Stuff Newlyweds Hate to Hear

There must be a handbook that the rest of the world reads that offers a bunch of one-liners that people MUST say to newlyweds. This handbook is designed to be a constant reminder to the newly married couple that they are "wet behind the ears" and I think the central goal is to irritate the listeners. So to all you couples who recently took the plunge: Get ready to hear any variation of the following:

Stuff Newlyweds Hate to Hear:

1. "So How's Married Life":Hearing this question once or twice and within the first few months of marriage for the newly wedded couple is not so bad. But everytime you see the person? Seriously. It makes you want to say, "How do you think it is? You're married. How was your first year of marriage? Do you expect me to tell you every sordid detail? It's fine. It's an adjustment. You know how it is. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's great, sometimes I wonder why in the world I did it at all!" Take note newlyweds, every person will ask you this question and within the first year or two, they may ask you each time they see you. And just when you thought you were out of the clear with that question you'll see someone that hasn't seen you in the two years that you've been married and ask you again. For each instance just be prepared with some snarky answer like, "It's good, I just don't know why she farts only when she cooks," or "Things are going great, if he'd stop wearing my panties things would be better."

2. "So, when are you two having kids?": Newlyweds, naturally your parents are going to want you to get going on some grandkids so just expect that question from them. Just let them know to be patient and pretty soon you'll bring them some little monsters to the house and turn them into built-in babysitters. Oh joy! But for everyone else that is asking... It's gets annoying. You want to say, "dude, I just got married. Let me enjoy my wife/husband right now." So when someone asks you this just let them know that you and your spouse want to get lots of practice in first before the official conception.

3. "You never come by or call as often": Sigh, this one you may start to hate the most. Not only is it annoying to hear but it has the added element of guilt attached to it. Of course the newlywed couple is not coming by as often. You are their own family now. You have jobs, you have bills, you have to figure out how to balance their time with each other and youare figuring out a life together and how to make it all work. Your single friends won't understand. They will still try to invite you out to go to places where they are trying to find a date... what are you going to do there? Your family still wants you to come to every single function they throw. And you really want to be there. You do, except sometimes your family forgets that your spouse ALSO has a family that is placing those same demands on them too. It has a newlywed couple feeling pulled into too many directions. It's unfair. So a good solution is to either have a plan for the year or to lay down some ground rules... and stick to them.

4. "You're saying that now but that'll change..." You'll hear some variation of the fact that it's early in your marriage and all the love, entreaties, and good communication will end sometime in the future. First of all, way to go old married couple to encourage/envangelize that marriage is good. Second, while a newlywed couple should be so naive to think that the marriage won't take effort, perhaps the reason why "old married couple" doesn't have all the love, entreaties and good communication, etc. is because "old married couple" stop working hard at it. Don't believe the hype. Some stuff changes, important things don't have to.

5. "You've certainly put on weight... Marriage must be going good!": Nobody wants to be told they are fat. Period.

6. Any questions wanting you to read your spouse's mind: If the asker wants to know certain things about your spouse tell them to ask your spouse directly. People are lazy or scared. Tell them to develop a relationship with your new spouse by calling them themselves. Tell them that say, "Why don't you call him/her? I'm sure they would love to hear from you and it will help him/her feel included in our family (or with our friends)

So if you are newly married get ready to hear those questions, if you have been married awhile you will recognize some of these. What are some things you hate hearing or hated to hear when you were a newly wed? Leave comments!