Stupid People Anonymous Meetings and the Darwin Awards

I have remarked to myself (and occasionally a close friend)

that I must have an S.P.A. group that meets close to our store.

Because when the meeting lets out, all its members come rushing into

the store at once, and it is a nightmare.

S.P.A.?

Yes, Stupid People Anonymous.

I know It's not a very nice name. And I don't really mean it that way

but NSBPA (Not so bright people anonymous) or WMBLBA (Well meaning but lacking braincells anonymous) just didn't sound as good.

Usually my SPA members say things like....

"Does this video tape work?"

Answer: No, I'm sorry they are all display models. You'll have to go

to another store for working video tapes.

"Got anything new?"

Answer: Let me check my records. I keep an exact record of

when each customer comes in and our exact inventory at the time they

come in...so I should be able to isolate each and every item we have received since your last visit.

"Would you give me $10 each for these used CDs?"

Answer: Yes, of course, We post a sales price sign that says...

ALL USED CDs $6.00....but I figure we've been making a profit for

much too long. A $4.00 loss per item, in this case, would only be fair.

"Are their any CDs here I WOULD LIKE?"

Answer: Hmmmm....CDs YOU WOULD LIKE?......I know which CDs that

pretty much everyone else likes....but YOU are a mystery. And, actually,

the only one I THINK you MIGHT have liked, I sold yesterday. Sorry.

The comedian Bill Engvall used the phrase "Here's Your Sign."

He thought that you should get some printed up signs that say "I'm Stupid"

and hand them out to anyone who says something stupid.

You have the signs ready....so when someone says.....

"Are you hurt?" to the man with the severed arm....you can just state....

NOPE. Didn't need that one. Thanks for asking. Here's your Sign!

"Flat Tire? to the woman with the FLAT TIRE!!!......

Nope. Just testing the strength of these RIMS...why bother with tires

when you can drive on rims. Here's Your Sign!

"Having a Garage Sale? to the family with all the books, and furniture,

amd clothes, and toys, and people buying things in their garage.....

NOPE.....Decided to move out to the garage and charge admission to

our neighbors to watch us in daily life. Here's your sign!

Now, you know it's just for fun. I don't think there are STUPID people

out there. That's not a very LOVING thing to think. And I certainly

wouldn't say it, if it crossed my mind. (well, it might have slipped out)

But there does seem to be those who leave home with their dollars ....but forget to bring any "sense".

And guess what?....they actually give out awards!

The DARWIN awards...proof that evolution works slowly...or sometimes seems to skip a generation of two.....

With a warm and thoughtful heart (a lighthearted intention) I present some recent winners:

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim

during a

holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something

that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the

trigger again. This time it worked.....

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine

and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance

company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have

a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a

blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the

space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found

that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare

to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver

went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He

then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff

that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The

deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head

wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the

injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could

get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,

and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled

a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly

provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20

bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime

committed?)

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd

just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,

and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the

window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head,

knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed

her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able

to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the

police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the

store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there

for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the

lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a

Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded

cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash

register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said

they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a

Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived

at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near

spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying

to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage

tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying

that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Oh well, ya gotta Love 'em!

Love is not the easiest thing to do, but it is always the right thing to do!

Love Works

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Tim Henry, Author, Love Works Daily