Stupid Sayings and Annoying Phrases: Expressing Contempt for Contemptible Expressions

Like most of you, I am frequently, painfully bombarded with stupid sayings and annoying phrases. They render run-of-the-mill daily interactions a veritable mind-stabbing minefield.

Can there be no catharsis?

Well, having recently read theBarefoot's piece, "33 Annoying Expressions that Killed our Conversation," which I highly recommend, I felt both compelled and empowered to contribute to the larger dialogue on the subject.

I'm not foolish enough to envision a language free of these stupid sayings and annoying phrases. They will presumably persist for as long as stupid and annoying people are permitted to communicate. But that's a topic for another manifesto--uh, article. And should any of these expressions ever fall out of lexical favor, new ones will undoubtedly arise to take their place.

However, if I can get just one reader to drop just one of these asinine adages or irksome speechisms from their repertoire, it was all worthwhile.

Now, I can only hope theBarefoot realizes that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Stupid sayings

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

More like the sleaziest form of being too dumb or too lazy to come up with your own ideas, I'd say.

A penny saved is a penny earned

No, a penny saved is just a penny saved. Keeping something you already have doesn't equate to making or acquiring a new one by any stretch of the imagination. You're just a cheap bastard.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Fonder of the person who's replaced you in my life, maybe.

All that glitters is not gold

Did someone actually suggest that it was? Hard to believe some guy tried taking this stance. But he may very well have been more painful to listen to than someone who uses this stupid saying.

Everything happens for a reason

Having this recently suggested to me, the gears started to turn. I've delved into an area of research I'm tentatively calling "cause and effect," and have found promising evidence of a strong correlation.

The pen is mightier than the sword

Oh yeah? Want to test that one with me?

When god closes a door, he opens a window

You can keep your silver linings and your endless optimism. God's just amusedly watching you maneuver, redirect, and climb around the building like a rat in a maze.

Good things come to those who wait

Generally, good things are earned by those who go out and get them. Worst advice ever.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

I suppose there are ways to attribute value to a bird in hand, but I fail to see the worth of two birds, or even three for that matter, in any bush.

Annoying phrases

If it's not one thing it's another

Brilliant. Eloquent. The output of an obviously formidable and probing mind.

From the get go

I've witnessed a few beginnings in my time, and have also seen a couple of things start. Once, I was even present at an onset. But I sure as hell haven't ever been around at the "get go" of anything, and pray that I never am. Acceptable only if you're having a stroke and can't quite get the right words out.

Between a rock and a hard place

Is a rock really that difficult to get around? I might buy it with a super-spanning boulder-wall, but not a rock. And what in god's name is a "hard place," anyway?

Hot as hell

Are you exaggerating? Just a little? Maybe?

Sooner rather than later

If you're in such a damn rush, why did you waste everybody's time saying all that? Wouldn't "soon" have sufficed? Or, so nobody can claim I'm unwilling to compromise, I'll even give you "as soon as possible." Does it really require the explanatory contrast? As if someone might've thought you meant sooner rather than tomatoes?

Same difference

You either don't know what "same" means, or you don't know what "difference" means. Which is it?

Sets my teeth on edge

Have you ever seen an old lady take out her dentures, with that one long dangly strand of saliva, and place them on the table? Then you should realize that nobody wants this image conjured in the course of conversation.

Cut off your nose to spite your face

What annoys me most about this one isn't based on any inherent stupidity. People always hurl this accusation as if it's a bad thing. Frankly, it's not. If the face has it coming, adios nose. Small price to pay to teach the face a much-needed lesson.

Dirt poor

Okay, I can rationalize and possibly accept this one. Until I hear "filthy rich."

Begs the question

This one's only annoying in that it's almost always misused. It's not another way of saying "raises the question." It's a term for a kind of logical fallacy. It's a form of circular reasoning and false proof, when an argument is "proven" merely by assuming the argument is true. For example, saying "Bob is a moron because he's really not smart" is begging the question. For a real-life, common example: someone who says he knows the bible is the word of god because it says in the bible that it's the word of god is begging the question.

It's sink or swim

I'll float, thank you very much.

Guesstimate

When I'm running things, using this jackass hybrid word will be punishable by death. On-the-spot execution. Or, to put it a way you'll understand: deaxecution.

Comparing apples and oranges

It's really not the poignant rebuttal people make it out to be. They have a lot in common, starting with both being fruit. There are a lot of things in the world. Things with much more drastic characteristic dissimilarities. Comparing warthogs to ice cubes, comparing toe nail clippings to light bulbs--now those would be crazy, and would make your point much more effectively.

What's done is done

Oh! Is that how it works?

Not my cup of tea

As I'm writing, I'm changing my mind on this one. It could be worse. It could've been replaced with "that's not my venti cup of triple-shot, half-caf, sugar-free vanilla soy latte, extra foam" by now. Yeah, I'll take it as is.

Touch base

Please, please, please stop saying this. Please. It hurts too much to joke about. Please.

If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times

Using this perennial parental favorite would seem to indicate that it's time for another approach. If you've said it that many times and are still having to repeat it, the message is obviously not getting across, and most likely won't with one more identical delivery. One of the more interesting definitions of insanity involves doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Think about that.

Breaking news

So, what you're saying is, this will be one of those rare instances when the news you're giving us is actually news?

Beat around the bush

Huh? Trying to scare out those two prized birds?

Like looking for a needle in a haystack

This one's only annoying because after I hear it I stop listening to the rest of the conversation. I get lost picturing the slow-witted, cross-eyed, pigeon-toed, stuttering farmhand who once upon a time lost his favorite needle in a haystack, trying, with an almost endearing meticulous desperation, to find it, thus inspiring this expression.

Barking up the wrong tree

A very misleading phrase. I tried barking up the right tree and still got no better results than very odd looks from passers-by.

Conversate

It's "converse"--say it with me, please: CON-VERSE. If you can't master it, please transportate yourself far away from me, lest I condemnate you to the lowest circle of hell.

Gravy train

Fortunately, you don't hear this one too often. But just knowing that it's chugging along out there somewhere is enough to include it in my list. Personally, I've set my standard of wealth and comfort a little higher than riding around in a locomoting mold of gelatinous meat juice.

It's always in the last place you look

Nope. Not for me. I keep on looking long after I find it.

Okay, that's enough. To dwell further on more stupid sayings and annoying phrases will drive me mad. And before you castigate me for omitting important examples, be sure to read theBarefoot's "33 Annoying Expressions that Killed our Conversation," as he expertly dealt with many of them there.