Stupid Things Parents Say to Their Children

In the course of raising our children to become responsible, caring, and confident adults, we are not expected to be perfect parents. There are many times however, that we should think long and hard before opening our mouths in front of our offspring. Emotional scars and self esteem issues could easily come back to haunt us in the form of rebellion, irresponsibility, and heartache.

One of the worst examples of parental arrogance and ignorance is the following - ". . . because I'm the parent, that's why!" This statement brings several things to the fore. You have just told your child that their opinions, feelings, insight, and other thoughts don't count . . . no matter what they say. You are dismissing them and their ideas. End of discussion.

I guarantee that they will immediately feel bad about themselves, move one step closer to not talking with you at all, and begin building the foundation for rebellion. Kids tend to heap the emotion of the moment onto their own developing and fragile psyches. Are you the one damaging it with your crude remark because it gets you a laugh with the other parents?

"Do as I say, not as I do" is another very damaging statement to make to your kids. Certainly, you want to keep them from engaging in activity that is dangerous, or that they are too young to handle safely. But why did you really say it? Is it because you feel powerful making the statement? Was it because you are too lazy to do what you know is right and fair in front of your kids and lead by example instead of verbal and emotional browbeating? Only you know.

When you use the previous phrase, you lose integrity with your children. In their minds, you are simply a liar and manipulator if you can say the word s_ _ t and they can't. In their thoughts, they begin to wonder what else you are doing that is hidden from their view. If you preach one thing and do another, your kids will follow your example in their own lives. If they see you keeping a public side separate from a private side, then they will begin to keep secrets also . . . almost certainly from you.

"We can do that at home, but not in the restaurant (theater, etc)." That line teaches kids that everyone must be living a double standard life. Very young kids will not see a difference between one location and the other. Up to a certain age, as long as mom and dad are close by, there is no difference between the kitchen table at home, and a table in a local diner. It's unfair to expect your kids to sit like quiet angels in a formal restaurant, when they can get up and down any time they please during home meals. Do not apply one set of standards in the home and a different expectation when you are out in public, and then yell at your kids because they don't know how to behave. You, as a parent, have caused the situation with your inconsistency . . . not your child.

"Stay out of my way today if you know what's good for you. I'm in a bad mood." Oh really? That's your kid's fault? Did your child stay up until 3:00 am watching a slasher flick? No! Then why are you making your child pay for it? And think of the lesson being taught here. It tells your son or daughter that any time they are in a bad mood or tired, that they have the right to take it out on someone else. Parents, own your own headache or hangover or lack of good judgment. Don't lay that on your kids.

"You are a bad girl (boy)!" Wrong again. This only tears down self esteem and builds walls of resentment. Your thinking must be turned around. Your good child has simply done a bad thing. Even though you are referring to the incident that resulted from his errant actions, you must say "what you have done is a bad thing" or "I don't like that you did that", or "you could get hurt doing that". To say, "no, no, no - bad, bad, boy" heaps tons of emotional baggage on children. Instead of relating your displeasure to the action at hand, children will interpret your tirade as a personal assault and internalize the moment. They will nearly always see themselves as the bad entity, not the errant action. As many times as kids hear the word "no" when they are young, this will only compound and solidify a sense of worthlessness within their emotional development.

One last problem area is lying to your kids, even if it's a small lie to keep them from getting a finger pinched, or an arm burned or broken. Once they get old enough to figure out that you lied to them, (even on a subconscious level) they will begin to question everything else that you say, or have said in the past. Incident after incident will be compounded. Lie after lie will become apparent. Before too long, your child will do the opposite of what you ask, simply because they figure that what you are telling them is a lie. You will have lost your credibility and their trust.

In conclusion, think before speaking harshly to your children. Is the problem them, or you? Is your outburst designed to save them from danger, or you from embarrassment? Are your kids really bad, or are they just doing something less than desirable in the moment? Are you building stairways for them to climb to new heights, feeling good about who they are as individuals, or are you building unstable walls and destabilizing the very foundation of their young lives.

Lead by example. Promote the good and try to ignore the bad. Do not thrust your shortcomings upon your children. They'll have enough baggage to carry around without the extra weight of yours too.