Successful Conversation in Marriage

I may not be a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I have been married for eleven years. In this day and age where over half of marriages end in divorce, perhaps I am not only blessed but actually doing something right. I hope that some of my observations are helpful for you or someone you know.

Everyone says that in order to have a successful marriage you have to communicate, and they're right. But what is communication? Per definition, communication is a discussion between one person and another. But that isn't just talking, it's understanding in what ways the other person expresses his or her views. These differences more than often seem to be common in the differences between upbringing and society, but more regularly it is seen in the differences between genders.

To have successful conversation in marriage one needs to be able to understand not only the female but male perspective as well. In fact, a novel idea may be to actually discuss discussion. What do you mean when you are saying something like that? This is what I mean when I say that, and I think that you are meaning this. It can give amazing and fascinating insight into successful conversations in marriage. Let me describe a strong "for example."

On the way home my wife calls me and asks me how close to home I am. Now, when she asks this, she doesn't really want to know, honestly, how close to home I am. What she wants to know is whether or not my distance from home would cause an inconvenience if I were then asked to go and buy her a Coke at the store. However, if I say, "Oh, I'm only a block away," then suddenly she is a little annoyed and even perhaps upset ('cause she thinks it will be a big effort now to go and pick up that Coke for her). I, being the relatively observant male that I believe I am, would pick up on that annoyance and suddenly, if I misread it, it could be misconstrued that she is upset that she will be seeing me sooner than she planned.

To help alleviate this situation in the future, I asked if she would just simply ask me if I would get her a Coke. The store is only minutes away, even if I started from home, so it's no effort for me to get her something that would make her happy, and thus make me happy.

This conversation scenario has been played out many times in my observation, and has consistently been what I would call a male-female difference. Females are phenomenally empathic; that is, they know what everyone is feeling around them without even trying. It's simply natural to them. Males, on the other hand, are much simpler and direct and usually don't know what the female wants unless they are directly told, or make it an effort to understand. Being empathic, the female tries to read the male and predict his response and create the response she desires. This usually does nothing but confuse and irritate the obtuse male.

Here is another frequently occurring conversational scene. My wife, God bless her, asks me what I want to eat. In our case, she wants me to decide. Not only that, but it requires much more effort for her to decide since, being the empathic one, she tries to take everyone's considerations in mind. Even knowing this, my gut reaction frequently kicks in. So, thinking I'm being helpful to her, I say, "Whatever you want honey!" Now, to me, since I'll eat anything, I'm being generous. To her, she hears, "Oh, great, make me decide."

After analyzing, I should simply decide for us both. That is what she wants. But to make sure, at a non-imperative time, I ask her. "Honey, remember when you wanted to know what I wanted to eat? What did you want me to say." Listen for response. Then, "But why wasn't what I said helpful?"

To the average male, this discussion of communication is tedious at best. But I've absolutely found that this can save a world of mental anguish and make married life much easier. Discussion of the differences in male/female marital communication and how each perceives a conversive situation differently is amazingly helpful later on.

I will give a word of warning: don't bring up the topic immediately after the initial discussion took place. It is always helpful to bring up the discussion at a later, neutral time to discover more thoroughly why the other participant felt the way that they did.

What it boils down to is this. My suggestion is that you discuss conversation in marriage. Yes, that's right: talk about how you talk. With a little observation, some analysis, and then discussion, your life can be much easier in the long run. Not only that, but you might even produce a long and happy marriage.