Suffocation, Mutilation, Poison, Selective Breeding, and Flame Throwers: A Sadist's Guide to Killing Weeds

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about weeds. I want to kill them. They are in the lawn grass and the garden, choking out turf and plants. Weeds are nature's little devils, the fallen angels of the botanical world. But we simple gardeners are not without recourse.

Suffocate them.

You can't grab a weed by the throat and throttle it, but you can cover it with a sheet of plywood or a tarp. Starve it of light and oxygen. This technique is effective for large weed patches in a lawn or between garden rows. In lawns, the weeds will die before grass. Leave the tarp over the weeds until they are yellowing or pale, then rip them out easily and lay fresh grass seed on a layer of mulch.

Mutilate them.

Just keep hacking them Nancy Kerrigan style. For the really tall ugly ones use a tire iron if it makes you feel better. I prefer a bicycle chain. Most people use a weed eater. The trick is to go out about twice as often as you mow and keep cutting them. Without nice leafy tops for photosynthesis, most weed roots will eventually exhaust their resources and die.

Poison them.

Bret Michaels will not kill your weeds. Neither will Bel Biv Devoe. Vinegar will. Commercial strength if you can get it. The trick here is a really hot day. I mean hot like surface of the sun hot. Hose down the weeds and they will die. This is a poor man's roundup; and if used liberally has the same effect. You have to be a bit patient (several scorching days will do the trick).

Selectively breed them out.

The genocidal approach to weed control. Repeat after me: Corn Gluten Meal. Not cornmeal. Not corn. Not gluten. CORN GLUTEN MEAL. Called CGM in organic landscaping circles. This is the byproduct of corn milling. CGM is a powdery substance you can spread on your lawn as a pre-emergent. This will not kill existing weeds, but it destroys a large percentage of weed seeds. As an added benefit, CGM is high in proteins and will fertilize your grass at the same time. This method is most effective when used in stereo with another method.

Nuke them with your flame thrower.

Propane torches are no longer just for bored hillbillies who like to barbecue apples on the tree. Now people with lawns and gardens everywhere can enjoy them. A weed burner is a long torch that attaches to a propane bottle. Fire is hot! So hot it incinerates the weeds right down to the roots and sterilizes the remaining seeds. This is by far the most enjoyable way to kill a weed. Just remember, fire is not selective. But you knew that. Now go kill some weeds; your garden needs you.