Suggestions for Helping Your Children Deal with Divorce

Divorce is often a tumultuous time for adults. Imagine how much more it effects the child. From birth, the child has been conditioned to understand that his/her two parents provide love, stability and for any other physical and emotional need. The family is the first social network that the child knows and is where the child feels most secure. when this family has been split, the child loses his/her security. This loss is much more devastating to the vulnerable innocent child than it is to either adult. No parent should expect their children to adjust to a divorce quickly, or even as quickly as they do. After all, while both parents have had some sort of role in the divorce, the child/children are innocent victims. They neither caused the divorce, chose for their parents to be divorced nor can they fix the marital problems. Parents should also not expect their child/children to share the same emotions that they currently feel. Each child is different and goes through their own emotions. Although each child's feelings and responses are unique, there are some common emotional stages that most children experience when confronted with a divorce.

When parents inform their children about their divorce, they attempt to be encouraging. However, when they tell lies in order to soften the blow of divorce, it is usually seen as a continuous breach of trust. Some parents try and minimize the break up by suggesting that it will only be for a small period of time. This misleads the child and hinders their acceptance of the situation. Parents often say: We are divorcing, but nothing has changed in our relationship. They make it sound as if the only change will be the physical residence of one parent. That is one of many deceptions that they are tempted to perpetrate to build up the child's feeling of security. This lie and the tactics that are used to try and comfort the children, only confuses them more and breeds more mistrust.

The first emotion that the child feels is betrayal. The child's trust is broken. In a child's mind, there is an unspoken promise that the family will always exist as one single cohesive unit. Children feel deceived by their parents. It has been drilled into us by society that a two parent home is the normal and a necessity for a happy home. They might feel that the parents are being selfish because they are putting individual happiness and desires over family happiness. You can't deny their feelings. To try and understand this family crisis, they will ask questions about love and separation. they might wonder when you will arbitrarily decide to make a decision to distance yourselves from them, as you have done with your former spouse. These are valid concerns and should not be responded to flippantly.

Due to this strong sense of betrayal, it is important that both parents immediately attempt to rebuild the trust with their child. Parents should be as tactfully honest with the child/children as possible. In addition, it is pertinent that each parent honor their promises that they make to the child/children. It will take time and experience to rebuild trust. Know that a loss of trust is quite normal and you, as a parent, by divorcing, may feel a bit of relief with your marital situation, but parenting has just gotten ten times more difficult. Your main objective is to rebuild the trust that has now been broken between you and your child/children.

The child/children might want to deny the most obvious. They don't want to face the fact that their family is dividing into two households. They also might have a hard time facing the fact that the two parents are no longer in love with each other. thus, they deceive themselves into believing that it is only temporary. Continue to remind the child/children that the separation is permanent. It is important that you continue to strengthen your relationship with the child/children. It is advised, however, not to develop an unhealthy relationship with your child/children. Remember that you, as the parent, are there to nurture them and not the other way around. You need to provide stability for them. It is not healthy for the child/children to take on care giving roles or be the reliable one in the relationship. Parents do need to keep the bond with their children. However, the roles of parent and child should not change. The child/children should not now become a friend, companion or confidant. when a child views that parent as a friend, then the authority and the security that the parent once exhibited does not exist. This makes the child feel even more vulnerable.

Anger is certainly an emotion that most children experience when their parents are divorcing. The parents should understand that their child is angry because they, themselves have to make uncomfortable changes. These compromises and changes are due to their parents inability to remain happily married. Even if the parents do not see divorce through this lens, most children do. It is also common for the child to exhibit different levels of anger toward each individual parent. There are several reasons for this. Sometimes the child/children identifies with one parent over another. Sometimes, a child feels more secure with one parent and less with another. thus, they are afraid to show their anger toward the parent that they feel less secure with. The child/children might disproportionately abdicate responsibility of the marital breakup or for the continued separation to one parent. Since children desire family cohesion, they might display their anger toward the parent who shows the most opposition to their desires. Instead of parents agreeing or defending themselves, they should talk honestly about what their part in the divorce has been. It is healthy when a parent takes responsibility for their own actions. This does not mean fabricating the facts to make the other parent look better or worse. Parents should stick with the facts, and help calm their children's anger toward themselves and the other parent. It might feel validating to hear the child express his/her anger at the other parent; especially when you might feel that anger, yourself. But, ask yourself, is it healthy for the child/children to hold on to such anger? Never underestimate a good therapist, counselor or third party mediator. It is important to respond consistently to the child/children and their anger. Boundaries of what will and what will not be accepted should be set and followed. Help the child/children express their anger in nonthreatening ways. If possible, allow them to talk through their anger until they get to the hurt, disappointment and grief.

Depression, or some form of sadness accompanies a familial change of this magnitude. Naturally, it will be present in the child/children, also. The child/children are grieving a family unit that will never be the same. It is difficult for them to adjust to a new type of family. Validate the child/children's feelings. Attempt to empathize with their feelings of sorrow and anxiety. Have open communication with the child about the pros and cons of this familial change. Once in a while, it is good to stroll down memory lane and talk about what they miss. Let them know that it is healthy to talk about their sorrow and about all of the things that are different. Develop new traditions or revise old ones for the child/children to cling to. These traditions should involve something that the child enjoys doing and spending time with the parent and the other siblings. If you know that the child is a movie buff, maybe designate "movie night." You can make it as special as you want. Ask the child/children's advice to make it special. Then, be consistent! decide to have such a night on a regular basis. Even when the child/children is angry, still carry on the tradition. You will be amazed how comforting this will be for the child/children. Know that these new traditions might be met with ambivalence. The child/children might be hesitant to bond without the other parent. They might feel strange or even guilty. Let them know that it is ok that they cement the bond with both parents and that you don't feel bad when they make efforts to create that bond with the other parent. When you say it, mean it: because it is healthy for the child/children, even if it offends you.

Many children feel guilt when their parents' divorce. they know that you and your former spouse seemed to be happy before children. Thus, they attribute the break up to something that they had or hadn't done. The child/children might make many attempts to apologize. Let the child/children know that your decision to divorce had nothing to do with their actions. All of the fault and blame lies between the two adults. This feeling of guilt, coupled with a denial that the parents will remain separated, might trigger a strong sense of mission for the child/children. Even popular media shows parents reuniting after the children have valiantly and tirelessly worked to keep the family together. The children remember how it once was and might work to recreate this scenario.

It is essential to be quite clear about your intensions. Parents should not divorce unless they are absolutely sure that they will remain so. It is unfair to the children to waver. Counseling is recommended before any divorce has taken place. The children need stability and consistency. A continuous flux in the family (physically and socially) will breed mistrust and insecurity among the children.

Some children play the role of peacemaker between their parents. This should not be the children's task in this tumultuous relationship. And, parents need to face facts, just because you are not a current spouse, you still share a bond as your child's other parent. This means, that you and your former spouse do, (like it or not) have a relationship. This puts too much stress on the children. If you and your spouse could not agree when you were living together, why should it be the child's responsibility to keep the peace? If you need a mediator, pay for one.

When a child's insecurities are allowed to go unnoticed and without discussion, it often results in adults who have a fear or pessimistic view of marriage. It will take a child a while to restore their faith in committed relationships. It is understandable that teens and adults might be tentative. Sometimes therapy is necessary to help them realize that successful relationships can and do occur and that they, specifically, are deserving of one such relationship. Therapy can assist them in understanding more about relationships and give them some tools to help them be successful in their relational endeavors.
> >
> > Here are some "don'ts," when you have divorced your spouse and children are involved.

1. Don't date for at least one year after the divorce. This might sound harsh, but the children need to adjust to the new family. Although you might desire the companionship of a mate, it is not fair for the child/children to have to deal with a stranger. Besides, any extra attention should go to the child/children and not a strange new relationship. If after a year, the child/children still have not adjusted, put dating off until they are happy well-adjusted children. When you do start to date, go slow. Don't move a mate in quickly and your children deserve to be consulted before any large decisions are made. They must feel comfortable with your new relationship before you proceed. Your relationship with your children should always be placed in higher importance than a new relationship. The exception, of course, is if your children are adults and have lives of their own. At this point, they should be adult enough to accept any new relationships.

2. Don't bash your former spouse. This does not mean that you should always speak flatteringly about your former spouse. However, your children do not need to hear how worthless he/she was. Remember that you once loved your former spouse and there are some good qualities in him/her. Your child/children are products of that union and they are, inherently, half of the former spouse. They have his/her genes as well. Many times the children take your bashing personally. They are not able to understand that, many times, you are speaking out of hurt and anger.

3. Don't grill the child/children about the former spouse. Their personal life is not your business. Of course, if they are not keeping the child safe, then, you should take action. However, you need to allow the child/children's other parent to bond with them and form their own relationship. Keep your comments about their personal life to yourself. If you must vent, wait until you are with your same sex friends and the child/children are nowhere in sight. Encourage your child to have an open and realistic relationship with your former spouse. Again, it is about helping your child/children adjust and maintain healthy relationships. Your children should not be pawns or extensions of yourself. You cannot manipulate them to achieve a certain response out of your former spouse. Similarly, you cannot expect them to have the same feelings that you do and act as you would in certain situations. Remember that they love their parent and you don't want them to be able to turn off that love just because they are angry or hurt. If the other parent is an absentee parent or unavailable, it is essential that you help your children adjust and understand their feelings concerning the uninvolved parent.

4. Don't pass instructions, requests or comments through the child to the former spouse. Even though you are not together, it is important to make attempts to be civil and talk openly when it comes to the children. The ideal situation is that you and your former spouse agree on parenting decisions and support each other when any decision about the child/children is made. Conversation about the child/children should not be filtered through the child/children. It should be between the parents. This concept also includes discussions of money.

Divorce is a devastating time for children. There is no time limit given for children to progress through the stages and to transition into healthy secure beings. Each child is different in their emotions and in their process. Since you, as an adult, are partially responsible for this situation, you must assist your child through such an ordeal. These tips will aid you in understanding your child and help him/her understand him/herself. Therapy is helpful, but only when it is consistent and willingly entered into.

When you understand the feelings that children go through when a divorce happens, you can help them transition through these feelings to a happier healthier person.