Suicide: Dealing with Intentional Death

8 years ago my youngest sister killed herself. She was 16 and heavily involved with equestrian events; she loved anything to do with horses. She lived with my mother and other sister, my wife and I having moved back to the South.

We were on our way home from the baby doctor (we'd just found out we were having a boy) when we got the news. My cell phone rang and my aunt informed me that something had happened, my sister had been shot. As my stomach dropped, my mind raced. How had this happened? Had someone broken into the house? Suicide never crossed my mind. My aunt told me that my mom was riding in the ambulance and, stammering, I asked her to have my mom call me when she got back.

In shock, my wife and I returned home to wait for the phone call.

It was several hours later that my mom called me. "What happened?" I asked; panic now coming to the fore.

"She shot herself."

Dead silence from me. She what? How? With what? There was no way! It was utter disbelief.

The silence on the other end of the phone was horrible, empty. In tears, I told my mom I would try to get a bereavement flight out to Nevada and hung up. I just sat there, feeling empty.

Through the help of family, I and my brother-in-law were able to get a flight out. We met my mother at the airport and between hugs and tears; the truth finally began to settle in. My sister was dead. By her own hand.

The truth was hammered home when we got to my mom's house. My other sister was there, with her two daughters and everyone was in tears. The phone rang constantly, well wishers and friends trying to console the family; none of it did much good.

It didn't take long to go from shock to anger. I was horribly angry at my sister; I wanted to slap her, to shake some sense into her, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. I stayed angry for a very long time, even years later, I can become angry and don't really like to talk about it. So, why am I bringing it up now?

Two friends of ours just found themselves in a similar situation. They're married, and her father killed himself. He left a note and everything, the whole nine yards, but notes never answer the real questions, never tell you why these people had no hope left in them. I still have no answers or at least none that make any sense.

It's very difficult to understand what someone is going through in a case like this, unless you have been there yourself. Suicide isn't like any other means of death. Dying in a car crash is tragic, sickness and disease kill people all the time and it's horrible, old age, cancer and anything else you can think of. The difference is that most of these people didn't want to die. My sister and my friend's father did and took steps to make it happen.

Disbelief at the reality is an understatement. I couldn't get my head around it. It simply couldn't be true and no matter who told me, I couldn't make myself feel that it was true.

Anger came next and lasted the longest. It took various guises, but whether you shrug it off like you don't care, avoid the subject completely, or rant and rave, it's still anger. Some of mine is still with me, even now.

Guilt was there the whole time. How could I not have seen it? Surely there were signs that I'd missed. How could I have been so blind? There was nothing I could have done, I talked to her on a regular basis, she joked and laughed with me. I was a good brother, but had a hard time convincing myself of that. Grief can make you believe strange things, I guess.

Finally, acceptance came, sort of. Over time, I have been able to become more peaceful about it, though it never really feels real or true. Sometimes I still half-expect a phone call from her or a letter or email. It's hard, I guess.

My friend is still very much in the throes of anger. I don't expect her anger to lessen for a long time, years, even. It takes a big person not to be angry when a loved one does something as seemingly selfish as committing suicide; I guess I'm not that big of a person.

You may have noticed that the stages of grief are fewer when dealing with suicide. That's because there is no time to get used to the idea before that idea becomes a reality. There are not days, weeks or months to learn how to deal with the prospect of that person's death. There is no sense of tragedy as there is with car, train, bus or plane crashes.

You have to live with the knowledge that life and the joys you hold dear were not enough for that person to go on living; it's very hard to understand. It comes down to pain and coping. If a person has too much pain and not enough ways to cope, then life, no matter how good, can seem terrible. Pain becomes all that person knows and all they want is for it to stop. Many who commit suicide don't truly want to die; they want the pain to go away. Learning this has helped me cope with the loss of my sister, though I'm still sad that I couldn't help her when she needed her big brother the most.

Time heals all, though some people are better equipped to deal with the grief of losing a loved one to suicide than others. For those of us not able to deal, there are counselors, support groups, prayer groups and compassionate listeners.

Resources for Coping with Suicide and Suicide Prevention:

Suicide Prevention Services

Suicide Prevention Center

Survivors of Suicide

Surviving a Loved One's Suicide