Suicide! Why?

My mother used to always tell me that God allows you to experience lessons in life so that you may help someone else one day in that same predicament.. She probably didn't intend for the fact that I had tried to commit suicide and came very close to accomplishing it to be one of those but in my life it has at different times.

I believe suicide is one of the most difficult types of death to deal with for many. You always try to figure out how you could have stopped them. Wonder why you did not notice or why you were not there to stop them.

The fact is, when someone is to the point of making this decision you can not always know or stop them.

In my life I lost a friend, my children lost a teenage friend and I lost a nephew to suicide. Through my experience it helped me answer many questions for my family and myself. I am not saying I am an authority. I am just trying to share an experience. Maybe to help others understand.

After my nephew died at the age of 24 my sister came to me. She started asking me all the questions I would think most loved ones have after a suicide. I knew I had thought the same questions but I also realized what many of the answers were. At least for me at the time of my suicide attempt.

My marriage had broken up, I had a child and just thought I'd never live through that emotional pain. Through later counseling I had learned many of my problems had stemmed from my childhood. From my past stories you know there was mental and physical child abuse. Please note, no sexual abuse.

I am also not trying to ride the victimized for life train. I went through counseling and learned to see and deal with my problems. It made for a much better life for my children and me. I still have my rough times as we all do.

When I was to the point of trying suicide I was mentally and physically drained. I felt I could take no more. Although my mother and family worried about me I really felt everyone would be better off without me. I thought the world would be better off without me. Someone would have my job. No one would have to worry or care about me. I managed to take anything negative and make it positive to feel right with what I was going to do.

People often think, didn't they see what they had or think about the consequences? Didn't they realize who all they would hurt? My favorite is that they would go to hell which I feel it's awfully nice of people to judge us for our God.

Yes, I believe in God with all my heart and I even thought if God didn't want me I would not die. After that statement I have to laugh because I am still here.

Truly, when a person is to the point of taking their own life they are not in their right mind. I know I was not. I was hitting bottom and that is very difficult to to climb up from. Even when you are surrounded with loved ones you can still feel so alone and still hurt so badly. That is something you yourself would have to pull through. Loved ones can support you but you have to do the work. As with any point of your life it is your decision and your job.

When my friend died of suicide I later found he did drugs. I had no idea of this and before that time he had tried once before and did not accomplish it. When we did speak, I asked why he did not call me. He told me because I would have talked him out of it. So when he later succeeded can you imagine the guilt I felt and I was not even there. At the time I was going to my counseling thank God.

Drinking or drugs unfortunately gives you false courage and a different prospective of life at the moment. This was his problem among many. Many from his past. Something I had nothing to do with. It took me awhile to understand that.

My sister came to me asking if her son even thought it would hurt his mother and father. He had two sons he dearly loved. What about them? Why didn't he ask for help? How could he think this would make things better? What was he thinking?

I should say he was also going through a marriage breakup and not dealing with it well at all. I explained to my sister the way I thought and felt. What it all boils down to is it is the best thing to do. The best way to stop hurting. The best you think for everyone.

I laid in a coma for four days after taking a bottle of Valium. They took me to the hospital which I do not remember and they said I signed myself out. The doctors could not do anything until I later passed out. By then they had told my family they felt it was too much in my system and highly doubted I would pull through.

I also much state I have short term memory problems and feel this has a lot to do with it. I was fortunate that was the worse

Before I came out of the coma I believe (dreamed) I went before God. He was wearing white but had no face. I was terrified and he scolded me. It was not my time and there was much more for me to do. Not so sure about that except I did have another child and raised them both to be good hard working family members.

I believe we all have a purpose in life. I am still not sure of mine. Maybe it's live day to day and share your life and help others with your past experiences. Good and bad.

I, personally do not believe that God would banish a person that takes their own life to hell. They are sick at that point and as I said before, they are not themselves. Yes, it is also not my job to judge as I've said before but this is my belief.

I can say when I had made the decision to take my own life I suddenly felt a big relieve. I had everyone feeling better about me. They thought I was finally getting a grip on things. I bathed my son and put him to bed. I took the pills and wrote a letter thanking everyone and telling them how much I loved them. I felt my sister who babysat for me at that time would come get my son (two years old) and I'd be gone. He'd be safe.

As I started to doze off I will say for just a moment I wondered is this right. Then I thought it is for the best and went to sleep.

Suicide is an awful way to lose someone. You can't help but feel there was so much more for them. If it weren't for that person's wrong decision they would still be here. If only you would have noticed something and helped them.

It happens though and with today's economy I am sure there are many out there hitting bottom. With the wars our people have to go through and relive it happens. There are many factors that can lead to this and it is scary because it can happen before you realize. Before you even realize something was wrong.

As I said, I am not an authority. Just speaking from personal experience. I only hope that maybe I answered some questions for someone.