Suitcases Cause Cancer

Well it's a weekday, and that means yahoo has at least 3 bizarre breakthrough remedies to report. Though I'm usually unphased due to jadedness, one I recently read had successfully caught my desensitized eye. Studies show that coffee may actually hold the cure to baldness. I won't get into the chemistry of it, but apparently it does stimulate hair growth... just a little. But then I read further and it explains that you can't achieve optimal results by drinking it (it would take 60 cups). Though the hypertension maybe well worth it, they instruct people to let it soak on their scalp. I can see the lawsuits now from millions of scalded men who claim that the researchers forgot to mention that you should let it sit in your Mr. Coffee for a minute or two. Or maybe they'll just elaborate on those thermal sleeves at Starbucks, "This beverage/shampoo you're about to enjoy/fight heredity with is extremely hot." Anyway, don't say I didn't warn you, or if you're a defendant, feel free to reference this blog.

Usually these reports are some kind of counter to a widely believe supposed fact, an equally absurd example would be "O.J. may actually cause cancer rather than prevent it. What did you think Vitamin C stood for?" And right before we start applying a surgeon general warning to the cartons, yahoo will post a rebuttal within hours of the original misfire. We're so overzealous with the medical news and it's gone on forever. As soon as a study (you know, that controlled observation where a plethora of extraneous variables can curb the results in any way, shape or form.) offers some kind of new medical insight, we treat it as if it were a time machine. Artificial sugar anyone?

I'm an avid fan of equal (it makes Total bearable) and they just wont stop with the supposed brain tumors and the corroded whatevers that all come from this processed sugar. I've made the decision that I'm going to ride it out. If there's one thing I've learned from internet news tickers, it's that nothing is going to be a fact for very long. I mean look at Splenda, the Godsend of artificial sugars that tastes like sand. They're now saying that it has the same effects as DDT. So I just don't know what to think. All I can say is that Sweet n' Low and Equal have been around for a lot longer, so they're bound to figure those out much faster.

I don't have a lot of corporately funded research to back up this next statement, but I do have a small theory as to what really causes disease and if you think about it, in a bizarre way, it checks out. Of course, I mean this in a tongue in cheek manner (Disclaimer! Disclaimer!), but I'm pretty sure the most potent carcinogens in the world are convenience and the worrying about those conveniences. It's commonly understood that nothing is free. Whether it involves dollars or calories, there is some kind of repercussion that comes from any transaction, that's simple economics. So by that logic: florescent lights, cell phones, cars, HD TV, GPS systems, pasteurized milk, air conditioning, any kind of pills, canned food, microwaves, power tools and suitcases are all candid death certificates. Even with all that in mind, I don't think I could give up suitcases, it's just too difficult to carry all my clothes and toiletries in my arms down the terminal. I may live to see senility, but at what cost? So maybe we just shouldn't do research at all, it's just upsetting people and making the lines at the airport longer than they already are.