Sunday Reflections- on Saturday Mourning

You loved me once or twice,
Brought me back of your device;
When you thought you'd lost me,
And what did that all cost me?
Yet you did.

It's been more than just a decade,
It's been a million years.
Tears have been as many;
They fell upon deaf ears.

You say you never were in love,
Not the way we think of love.
But are you really sure, my love?
You loved me once or twice.
And now that you have found her;

Put your ring upon her.
Gathered roses round her,
Touched her loving shoulder,
(Not knowing that I'd see)
I still know you loved me- lovingly,

Like her; if but only once or twice.
Your marriage soon to come
I pray for you and her as one
And though I love you ever so

This I will forever know
I loved you more than anything
Undying love it seems to bring
Tears that fall right now I see

As I think; what used to be
The skies have opened up
It seems God really cares for me
As he sheds some tears with me
Small drops fall in my cup

Upon my face and on my hair
In thinking things are too unfair
He actually sheds tears for me
As I begin to cry.

The drops fall from the sky
God's comforting lullaby
For what was long ago.
And yet will never die.

Epilogue-Timing is everything- and it's all in God's time- but we have our own will, sovereign as it may be, and this applies to love. No matter how much you want someone to love you, no matter the lengths you may go- it takes two. But God knows our pain and I really did sit in my garden this very morning thinking as tears began to fall down my cheeks- A God moment- He cried with me for my undying love- For what will never be- for what I wanted more than anything else in this world; Sometimes more than my own relationship with Him, My Creator, the Keeper of my Soul.

After this relationship was truly over; my love still remained. I'd console myself at times with thoughts that he would think of me once again and realize that I really was the one for him. But it never happened. It drove me mad for a number of years. And I fell into dark unspeakable places, shoving God and my church away. I ran amuck with many a man, some Christian, many not. I felt so unlovable I needed to be adored by any man that would show an interest and there were many.

I cursed God's name for not giving me what I so desperately wanted and sinned with wild abandon to show him how angry I was. But He was there, loving me and protecting me all the same. The sky is sunny now. The drops lasted as long as my tears and then disappeared. This to me is the miracle of God's love for me.

Consoling me, even though, I forsook Him for so long. Consoling me for what can never be, even as my heart still aches. Real rain drops; real tears from heaven. Many will not believe me but I know that this was my moment with God and that the small rain that came and went in my moment of grief was God; not some micro-climate scientifically explained by mere coincidence, but God crying with me. I do not want to change the destinies of either myself or the one I loved and obviously still love. It is not for me to change. But that God, in all His Glory, would feel my pain to cry real tears for me as I cried in a moment of deep grief, that He would do that, that He loves me so much that he would cry with me for my loss, as inexplicable as it is wonderful, I just must say, "Thank you, Lord, my Savior, for forgiving me my sins, for loving me so much that you would physically touch me with the gentle tears of your love, that you would cry with me, You are an amazing God." In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, may I never lose sight of this moment and may You forever reside in my heart.