Super Kids + Super Parents = Super Trouble

Recently a friendship, spanning 20 years, drew to a close. It had weathered cancer, depression, childlessness, illness, and strokes. It had stood the test of time, miles and marriage. What it could not stand, what finally brought it to an end, was the emergence of "Super Mom".

"Super Mom" is a beast known by few but feared by all those involved in education, in general and Gifted Education in particular. For a "Super Mom" is simply a Mother (or if a Father, the term is "Super Dad") who wants her child to be not just the best but BETTER than other children, oftentimes by belittling other children along the way, thus making her child seem "better" by comparison.

"Super Mom", in this instance, has tried since her child could walk, to find reasons and examples of her child excelling over other children. She has enrolled her child in class after class, hoping to find a niche for her son and when these niches fail to exist...she more often than not, blames the instructor. For in blaming the instructor for "not understanding how special HER child is". She begins the belittling process, a process which more often than not, carries over into adulthood. Ignoring her child's faults and expounding upon his success', to the point of absurdity, "Super Mom" creates out of a mere child, an idol.

She has taught her son, by rote memory, to count, say his ABC's and recite simple rhymes. She finds the mere fact that her son has learned these things to be amazing and while he admitedly he may well be an early learner, there are in fact other children who have learned as much as her son, if not more at this young age, a fact which "Super Mom" chooses to ignore. What "Super Mom" fails to realize is that all children learn by rote memory, that is in fact the way we as humans learn most anything. Learning is not the definition of a gifted child. A gifted child is in fact, a child who goes above and beyond rote memory to show he (or she) understands the next level of learning...a child who is initiating learning, at a rate far exceeding that of his peers.

"Super Mom's" are bent on their child succeeding by any means possible and it is their unflagging drive that makes the role of the gifted instructor a hard one. For these parents are so driven that they finally become parents who refuse to accept their child will be "average". To them the term "average" is simply not used in conjunction with their child, the term is in fact, a "dirty word", one not to be used when speaking of their child! The word "average" angers them and they push both the instructor and the child harder and harder to overcome this dreaded label. "Super Mom" has such a tight rein on the term "giftedness", and how it relates to her child, that instructors have little or no working space in which to help the child grow. "Super Mom" is often in the classroom dictating just what SHE feels is the best course of study for her child...despite the fact that most "Super Mom's" have little or no experience in the field of education, gifted or otherwise.

"Super Mom's" are a breed of which no one really knows the origin. Some feel they are parents who could not succeed themselves and so they are pushing their children to win where they themselves failed. Others maintain that "Super Mom" simply uses her child as a social acceptance tool. Some "Super Mom's" are thought to be so emotionally insecure, that they depend upon their child to give them what they desperately need emotionally. While still others in gifted education, find the "Super Mom" to be a perfectionist individual who cannot and will not accept anything short of perfection in both their lives and that of their child.

While the definition of "Super Mom" is vague at best, the outcome of a child with such a parent is not. We are seeing these children ultimately having a high incidence of physical problems, manifesting in ulcers, migraines, nervous twitches and even stuttering. Such children are often the ones who "act out" in classroom situations, simply because "Super Mom" alows them no freedom at home. There is now believed to be a direct correlation between such children and later drug abuse, or even suicide. These children, we find, are simply afraid to fail and when they do fail....they do not know "how" to fail...never having been given that opportunity in their early years! For as educators will readily tell those who wish to listen, it is in failing as well as succeeding, that we learn the most important lessons in life.

As "Giftedness" is still a relatively new term in academia, we are still learning about the future outcomes of such children. But the consensus today is that "Super Mom hurts more often than helps her child. It is a phenomena that we know little about except that it is a detriment to the well being of the child involved.

"Super Mom" oftentimes insists her preschool child be placed into Kindergarten at age four. The child may be ready with rote memory facts, but as any parent can tell you, rote memory is not all that is needed in the Kindergarten classroom. What is also needed is adequate spatial development, concentration skills, coordination and emotional maturity. All of these come with age and though a child may show a marked understanding of "the basics", we see all too often, it is mere immaturity that holds him back, not in the Elementary years, but in later years, thus causing him heartache somewhere down the line. In fact, of a group in later adulthood, polled who "skipped grades" in Elementary school, the majority said they wished they had not advanced, as even though they were ready for more challenging courses, they could not handle the emotional changes that their actual ages brought upon them. And when these changes did come for them, they were usually the last in their class to experience them, thus earning them yet again another label, this one "immature", given them by their peers, a label that is hard to shake off.

And on the subject of emotional maturity, oftentimes "Super Mom" expects her "Super Kid" to be of a maturity level that is far beyond his grasp. Maturity is not something that can be pushed and manipulated and is not something that can be learned through "homework" or "tutoring". Emotional maturity comes at varied times in ones life and rarely deviates from the norm. Because "Super Kids" are so often verbally gifted, parents fall into the trap of expecting their child to be as mature acting as they speak. That is to say, when an 6 year old child speaks like a High School Junior, parents often expect him to react in the same age bracket emotionally, forgetting that he is still a child. I have seen, through experience, both as an educator and as a parent, that is disconcerting to speak to a child who can communicate on such an advanced level, while still keeping in mind their actual calendar age. It is all too easy to forget that behind the "encyclopedia vocabulary" is in fact a small child, and not a miniature adult. Though these children can communicate verbally with adults, they do not have the emotional understanding needed to fully comprehend the subjects of which they are communicating.

So what it comes down to is simply this. The "Super Mom" is a detriment and a liability to the gifted child and the educators who wish to help him. "Super Mom", is in fact, a virus of which there is no known cure...of which there is no known vaccine.

So what can we as parents do about "Super Mom"? The answers are varied and the outcomes more so. For as we all know, children are not the same and neither are their parents. To begin with, we need to educate all parents of "gifted" children about the dangers of the "Super Mom" syndrome. Parents of "gifted" children need to develop support groups among friends and form agreements stating that they will alert each other should "Super Mom" rear her ugly head! Parents need to be aware of over involvement in their child's gifted education. While it is tempting to tell your child's teacher what is best for your child, you must realize that the "gifted" instructor has been carefully trained in "gifted education" and has your child's best interests at heart. Most gifted education individuals have experienced varied courses to help them discover each child's strengths and weakness' and it is this training which enables them to help children in the best way possible. It is the educators job to help your child in many different ways, ways upon which they are constantly updated.

And we must realize that we get down to it, it is the child who is the most important thing here. A child who feels "put upon" to succeed and is never taught to fail will be ill equipped to succeed in his adult life. For, to be honest, when this "gifted" child is grown and on his own, it will not matter that he was "gifted" or placed in "accelerated" classrooms. What will matter is that he cannot only do the work put to him, but that he can survive emotionally and socially as well. I have yet to find a job application, which asks the question, "were you ever in a "gifted" program while in school?"

So finally parents, be proud of your children. That is important, whether they are found to be gifted or not. And should they be "gifted", let the educators help them in the way they have been trained. Step back from the situation. While you may be tempted to enter into your child's educational experience, wait until you are asked by the educator. A good gifted educator will in fact, meet with the parents at various times throughout the semester in order to best help the child. Although the educators may not know your child as you do, they do know various ways to help your child grow that you might never have dreamed of! Read many and varied books about gifted education...ask for reading lists, buy the books, study them and ask questions. Gifted instructors are all too happy to help parents if only they will ask.

Finally, enjoy your children and let them enjoy you. Let them learn not just the facts about the world around them, but let them learn about themselves as well. Let them experience both triumphs and failures in life and learn from them along the way. Let them be happy. Let them be children. For in the great scheme of things that is truly what is important...being a happy child! All the rest falls into place naturally