Superdork Returns
Since my last AC activity in the summer of 2007, I suppose many things changed in my life that made it more difficult to invest the time in writing. I began homeschooling my 5-year-old son this school year, which was not supposed to happen. He was supposed to be in Kindergarten this year at Round Rock Christian Academy, in fact, that's where he should be right now. But because funds were not available to enroll him for this year, I chose homeschooling over the crappy public school here, where many of the future criminals that live on my street attend.
In addition to him, I am schooling my 5-year-old nephew whose mother was in a similar predicament to mine. Now instead of having one less child in my home during the day, I have an additional one.
It also came to be around the same time all this was set into motion, that I agreed to babysit three girls on Wednesdays and Fridays. They are sisters, 3-year-old twins and a 4-year-old. (delightful children, by the way)
Needless to say, Wednesdays and Fridays are interesting days in my tiny home with two 5-year-olds, a 4-year-old, two 3-year-olds and my 2-year-old daughter. I guess I use the word "interesting" to describe these days instead of a word like "terrible" in an effort to appear nicer than I really am, or at least as though my attitude is not as poor as it is.
Also, prior to all these developments, I had enrolled in an online course to become a certified medical transcriptionist. My sister actually does this for work currently from home, and I desperately need to find ways to contribute to the incredibly inept income of my household, without ditching the children I had planned on being a mother to on a full-time basis.
Well, it's no surprise that I can't do this all. Something is bound to get less of me than something else. And what is the result? I am more depressed than I know how to communicate. I want to hide from the world, in my room and sleep. I have hopes that if I hide well enough, and be really extra quiet that the world will not find me and pass me over to go bother someone else.
Before finally falling asleep at night, there are several episodes where I'm jolted from drifting off by, what I believe at the time is, my own death. This repeats sometimes in excess of 20 times. I'm sure that's why I never feel rested, which is not a good way to enter into a day full of stuff you don't want to do.
I'm having a hard time giving what's left of me to my husband and children, which is the only thing I really ever wanted to do in the first place. I had plans for being the best wife and mother I could be, and I am sad watching that not be the case.
I am aware that my depression is so overwhelming and unmanageable that something must be done about it. I did go to my doctor and agree to start a medication. I didn't want to do that because it's not going to fix all the circumstances I hate. But hopefully it will help me some until the other stuff changes. I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to cry over the prospect of completing even menial tasks. But at this point it is painful to consider doing anything most of the time. I just try my best to fulfill obligations to others, then to make sure I don't create any more of those than absolutely necessary. This is barely functioning, not living.
So that's what Superdork has been up to. I'm going to do my best to be less scarce. I appreciate those here who have read my articles and been really nice people. I'd like to be able to return the favor, and I sure miss writing.
Published by Superdork
I am a wife, and a mother of two children. These two roles are my favorite parts of being alive. I'm one of the most imperfect humans I know. And I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. View profile
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14 Comments
Post a CommentI believe we go through everything for a reason. Through your experiences you will be able to help others, because you will know what they are going through. Your writing will be rich with the nutrients needed to feed spiitually and emotionally hungry people. I think God is using you in a mighty way. I pray you keep your eyes on Him and know that with Him all things are possible. I think you'll be amazed where He takes you. Be sure and let us follow your journey through your writing!
So nice to meet you, and I'm very sorry that life is so incredibly hard right now. I know at times that it seems it will never let up, but there will be a breakthrough,if you just keep believing. (I am caring for my widowed, ailing mom right now. She is having a liver scan Monday, and a brain scan Thursday, so I know how stressful life can get.) I will be praying for your situation, and I look forward to reading some of your work. Even if you can just get a moment before you fall asleep at night, write when you can, and we'll help you make PVs, okay? Many hugs and Prayers-Lonnette
I am praying for you. God is much stronger than any problem. May your joy in God become the strength for you everyday!
I cannot thank you guys enough for your encouragement. And it's nice meeting a lot of you!
It's nice to meet you and (have you back)! :)
... That's when we come to understand the meaning of "a sacrifice of praise." And God will honor that. He promises it. Praying for you. Linda
Welcome back. Please know that many of us will be praying for you. In particular, I pray the the Lord restores His joy to you. Happiness depends largely on our circumstances, but the joy of Jesus comes only from Him, regardless of what life may look like now. He loves you. Just look what His Word says, In Zephaniah 3:17: "The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing." He is the Miracle-Maker. One of my favorite passages of all is Isaiah 61:3 "[He will] provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladnes instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." These darker days, when we do not feel like rejoicing or praising Him, are the times when we must cling closer than ever to Him. That's
It is great that you have returned to AC. Life can be hard, but God does not give us anymore than He thinks we can handle. Obviously, He must believe you are capable of getting through the challenges that you find in your life right now. I wish you the best with your home-based career. It is more possible today than ever before to homeschool, remain at home, be an engaged parent/guardian, and still earn a substantial income. Associated Content is beneficial in that respect, and so, too, would a career in medical transcription. I will become one of your subscribers and look forward to reading more of your articles. Good luck and God bless.
Hello and welcome back. Elena recommended that I should read your article and I find it actually quite sad. Believe when I say I know a little about depression and have my own circumstances which are not the most desirable. However, through all of my trials and tribulations I do see and understand that God does have something in store for me. While things are tough now, I know that it is not the end, but a new beginning. Keep in your mind and heart that God will not give you more than you can handle and even though it may seem impossible sometimes, it is not. God's blessings on you and your family. Hang in there, better things are coming.
Oh, my dear, I'm so glad you found the strength to write and post this. I hope the medication can help you cope, although it is no cure; counseling may help too (perhaps your pastor could help there? Psychologists and social workers are great but they can cost so much... and I do understand; although I'm not as overwhelmed as you are, I too struggle with depression on a daily basis). You are doing nothing wrong -- but try to understand that God doesn't want us to worry; He tells us so many times in His word. He gives us nothing we can't handle (although to paraphrase Mother Theresa, I sometimes wish He didn't trust me so much...). Things WILL get better, and your life will improve. Hang in there, love yourself, and know that you are loved.