Supporting a Loved One with Terminal Cancer

There's no manual, or "How To" book on the subject. When terminal cancer is involved, death is inevitable and it's impossible to prepare yourself for it. We're never ready for the loss of someone we're close with, but the moment you accept fate and pledge your support then you've done all you could with the situation. The truth of the matter is this article is a work in progress. My grandmother is still sick, has not passed, and I'm still learning to cope with the matter.

I recently found out that my grandmother had lung cancer in the advanced stages. The doctor told my mother that she had approximately 4-8 months to live because it had spread to her spine, her liver, and a few other places that would ultimately prove fatal. My grandmother would remain in a hospital until her death, brittle and tired from a series of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. When I first heard the news about my grandmother, an emotion came to me that I hadn't expected. Regret.

This brings me to my first piece of advice. No matter what has happened in the past between you and the loved one, you can't let the past dictate how you handle the present and the future. If the cancer is terminal, the patient is going to die. That's a fact. You cannot change something that has happened before, but you can change how things are now. For example, about five years ago I moved to the coast of North Carolina, which is about three and a half hours from my family. Every now and then I would go home to visit, most of the time only visiting my mother, stepdad, brothers, and friends. On very few occasions did I stop by to see my grandmother and visit. Needless to say, when I learned the news I immediately regretted those actions. I went through the normal series of "I should have done this" or "I should have done that" arguments in my head, however, after a while I realized that I am not the one with the diagnosis. My grandmother is the sick one, and though I can't change my decisions in the past I can be there for her now and lend my support. Don't let your past hold you back from doing what's right. In years to come you'll be glad you did everything you could in those last few months of their life.

You cannot give support to someone unless you're open to support yourself. I learned about my grandmother's diagnosis when I was at work. I felt helpless. I didn't want to cry in front of my co-workers or confess all of my problems, so I bottled my emotions up until I got home that day. I talked with my wife about the matter, and from there on I didn't talk with anyone else about it. That was a big mistake. It is human nature for someone to want to reach out and help another one, so in order for you to help your loved one you yourself have to be helped too. Be open to people's advice and warmth, because if you're the support system for one that has cancer you'll need to be strong.

Be sensitive to the cancer patient. What I mean by this is watch what you say or do. Limit how much you say "Everything is going to be alright." It's perfectly fine to be positive and provide hope for the loved one, saying a phrase like that could possibly invoke anger and a response such as "Oh yeah? How do you know?" Remember, they are the one suffering, not you, and unless you've had cancer then you don't understand what they're going through. Instead, reassure them that, despite what happens, you're going to be there for them no matter what. Not only do you need to watch what you say, but watch what you do. When I was at the hospital visiting my grandmother, her sister came stopped by with a plastic bag. After a few minutes, she pulled a wig out of the bag and tossed it onto my grandmother's bed. Though they're sisters and comfortable with one another, I still felt that it was disrespectful to do such an act when my grandmother had just started her radiation treatments. Cancer patients are already obsessed with pondering what the future may hold, they don't need to start thinking about things like losing their hair because they should remain positive.

Take the time to listen with your heart, not just your ears. Simply being present in the hospital room isn't enough to show you care. Anyone can visit a cancer patient, but listening to your loved one talk about their cancer should be taken seriously. Listening is one of the best ways to show you care for them. They could have a variety of emotions. They could be angry and feel the need to rant and rave, or they could want a shoulder to cry on when things get down. Remember, these are the last moments of their lives. It's not about you. It's about them. So be considerate, and be there for them.

Those are just a few ways to cope and support a loved one with terminal cancer. I hope this helps you in your own life. If you have more questions about the nature of cancer, please see my article, "What is Cancer?"