Survival Skills for the Mother of the Bride

The Meet: The countdown starts the moment she brings home Iggy, the Intended. You're grateful because he's not a duplicate of Uggy, the Unacceptable, who drained beer cans at lightning speed, offset only by his sluggish efforts to find employment. With luck, the "meet" is at least nine months prior to the blessed event, giving you a chance to acquire your new future-mother-in-law-it's-none-of-my-business (but, God, how I wish it was!) personality.

Tip: Practice daily in the nearest mirror that serene you-kids-know-best look with its Mona Lisa smile and clenched fists delicately hidden in the folds of your apron.

The Ring: The rules are simple. Don't pay for it. Don't offer the family heirloom unless asked ("Oh, Mom, it's so old fashioned!). Don't run to get the magnifying glass you keep for your embroidery work when it's waved in front of your face.

Tip: Don't mention cubic zirconium.

The Budget: Do your own research on the costs of weddings these days (three times more than you thought). Analyze your own budget and your husband's (if you still have one) willingness to part with his fishing and Corvette money. Offer a lump sum that is less than they expected but more than you planned on.

Tip: Do not get involved in the specific cost of anything. You've set your limit. Stick to it. They want more? Let them figure out how to pay for it themselves or sneak it out of hubby's fly fishing in Montana stash.

The Dress: Okay, you made yours yourself for under fifty bucks, but she wants the Vera Wang or the Casablanca encrusted with embroidery and pearls. Be prepared to visit a dozen bridal shops. You'll be asked to take notes on each dress because they don't allow photos (although surreptitious use of your cell phone fits the bill) and she'll want to make comparisons. Bridal shop owners are extremely proprietary and tend toward tantrums. Mums the word on whether you've decided on a dress from their shop.

Tip: Once the bride selects her dress, get the model number (more surreptitious investigation may have to be done on the Internet for this one), then shop the smaller bridal shops. The difference can be in the hundreds of dollars. Same goes for the veil, shoes, and the headpiece.

The Chapel: If you haven't convinced the bride and groom to elope to Las Vegas or Reno (in which case none of this is relevant), check with your own place of worship. Don't be surprised about the fee for use. And you thought all those years of faithful attendance merited a free ride! Ask about all the regulations regarding photography, cleavage showing, throwing rice, attaching pew bows, and the time frame during which you can be on the premises.

Tip: Outdoor locales have fewer rules and regs but don't select this option if you're not up to dealing with unpredictable weather and creepy crawly things.

The Reception: Here's where the big bucks come in. The tasks, many of which will be assigned to you, are endless. Escort cards, guest book, place cards, who gets what meal, dealing with folks planning to bring extra uninvited guests, deciding whether to pay extra for the Chiavari chairs (the little gold bamboo ones you see in the movies), dealing with guests who never respond but show up anyway, deciding on how many hors d'oeuvres will not spoil their appetites for the salmon or the beef, and last but not least, booze level (i.e., just how drunk do we want Uncle Harry to be?).

Tip: Breathe and repeat your reception mantra: It will go well. It will go well.

The Day: Have your survival kit on hand (Internet bridal sites have the list). Give yourself time for your hair, your make-up, and getting into your dress. Arrange for the bridesmaids or your favorite cousin to tend to the bride's grooming and dressing. Remember, you want to look beautiful too.

Tip: As you watch your stunning daughter walk done the aisle to join the man of her dreams, cry your eyes out into your mother's lace hankie which you've remembered to tuck into the sleeve or your dress.

The Honeymoon: Take off work the week after the wedding. Go to a day spa for a massage. Breathe a sigh of relief that it's all over, that no one spoke up when the minister asked if anyone objected, that Uncle Harry didn't fall out on the dance floor, that no one was arrested, that the zipper on the dress held, and that you didn't need that Valium after all.

Tip: Whew!