Surviving the Big Bad Break-Up

Breaking up is so much a part of life that you can hardly get sympathy from anyone when you are going through one. We have become desensitized to the pain of a break up, unless of course we ourselves happen to be in the middle of a really difficult one.
Is it just me or does everyone have that one big-bad-break-up?

Happily, it has been ages since my last break up, which was my big bad break up. I am currently in a five year long relationship, the longest and the healthiest one I have ever had. In many ways I believe I have achieved this due to the insights and lessons I learned from my big bad break up.
My big bad break up felt like I had slid down a razor slope into a pool of alcohol. That will never happen again. I sincerely believe that you can shape a possible break up by properly shaping your part in the relationship. I have it down to a fine art.

There are many horrid aspects that haunt you on a daily basis when you are freshly broken up. One of the daily pains I experienced was the routines my ex and I had developed and thus practiced. When we broke up, those routines had an abrupt end- the kind that thrust you back and holds you there, then a sharp thrust forward., like a car crash. The absence of our routines reminded me constantly that my ex was missing and that we were over. The weekend was hell, especially because we had spent the weekends without work or school interruption. On post-break up weekdays, I lived for school and work- it was the nights that were long. What made weekends even worse was that in the weeks after, I could hardly sleep, so the weekend lasted longer. Then again, so did the nights. The all time low was watching Saturday and Sunday morning teen aged sitcoms. No, I am not kidding. Saturday morning began with me, unable to get out of bed barely waking to California Dreams, then Saved By The Bell There was even a ditty about kids from the United States going to school in Europe. The European boarding school was actually not too bad except when the kids decided that they were singers.

I've found that the empty spaces in time can be avoided by making sure that in the active relationship is not so routine. Years after the big bad break up, I worked as an entertainer which took up my entire weekend. It is unfortunate that I didn't find that gig right after our break up as that would have solved the misery of the weekend. However, you can always fill an empty space, if you keep it open without letting anything or anyone permanently fill it. At the Oscars they hire seat fillers so that there are no empty spaces in the audience. In a relationship, you need to have plenty of your own seats and your own seat fillers.

In the immediate aftermath of my big bad break up another irritation was the constant advise from seemingly well meaning friends. I think I heard everything, and none of it made any sense. One friend insisted I had to burn all of his photos and flush them down the toilet while chanting some hexing mantra. My gay best friend kept trying to force me into finding a new conquest right away. He wasn't subtle about it either. He would interact with someone he found attractive and when he established that they were straight he told them they should dance with me. It drove me crazy, though I do give him credit for getting me out of house.

On the flip side, my gay best friend and I came up with a wonderful new tradition that I don't think would have happened if it had not been for the big bad break up. We began throwing international parties. He was a world traveler and I was a novice world traveler. Our international parties brought together our international friends and international travelers we prided ourselves on associating with. This activity was fun, fabulous, and a space filler.

The worst thing my friends did was to make me feel like I had to watch what I talked about. The taboo subject was anything to do with my ex. Given that I had shared many and significant experiences with my ex, it was impossible to have anything to talk about without referring to my ex. These friends would show interest in something I had done, somewhere I had gone or something that I had. As soon as they found out that my ex had anything to do with it, I would get a disappointed "oohh" and instantaneously the subject would change and I was to never mention the topic again. One example was my friend Matt noticed a beautiful wood sculpture of a sea turtle. Matt picked it up and exclaimed "Where did you get this?" I told him that my ex gave it to me. "Ohh" Matt said with disappointment putting the turtle down as if it were toxic waste.

Eventually, I had new and wonderful things to talk about like the international parties. This doesn't happen overnight. Friends should understand this and be patient.

In my observation and personal experience the worst part of a big bad break up is the power struggle. When two people are engaged in each other's lives and are suddenly completely disengaged and on top of that grieving the loss, there can be trouble. The moment I realized, in an emergency therapy session, that my ex and I were engaging in a power struggle due to the alienation at the loss of "us" was a breakthrough in breaking up.

I ended up in the therapy session as a result of a fatal, though maybe not entirely unintended, mistake. It was early in the morning and I needed to contact my friend who I did childcare for. She was at her boyfriend's house which happened to have the same prefix as my ex's phone number. Guess what happened? I hung up on the answering machine as soon as I realized my mistake. It was the same hour that my ex would be getting ready for work and he was likely in the shower when the call came in. *69 was a new thing- I had been a subscriber for several months. This particular month everyone received it as a trial. Many mixed it up with caller ID, which had not even a service at this point. Well, that morning after my misdial my phone rang. My answering machine wasn't on. I did *69 call return and my ex answered! Frozen in my own panic and the general madness of our break up, I hung up. My phone once again rang and I didn't answer. Did he have *69 call return too?

The insane occurrence that prompted the emergency therapy session was that sometime latter he called and left a message on my machine, while I was at school. The University I was in my first semester at required a commute, keeping me away from home for the entire day. I hadn't transferred when we split up, so I don't know how he knew my schedule so well. This was one of many messages, with one obsession or threat of one kind or another. When I discovered that he had called I could not bear to listen to what was said. I had reached the end. The relationship was over, yet the worst part of it was alive and well. My crisis had reached a breaking point and instead of reacting, I responded by seeking an emergency therapy session. Self preservation had finally taken hold. The therapist told me that it would never stop if I continued to engage in the back and forth battle. She advised that I erase the message and erase any future messages from my ex. She assured me that my ex would call again and that I had to be strong and erase all messages. This made sense to me and I felt a sense of freedom. It was a violent kind of tennis game and I was not powerless to stop it. All I had to do was not hit the ball back. Tennis was naturally the best analogy for me to liken it to; in tennis you have an opponent, yet the game won't continue unless both players hit the ball. The players are opponents yet dependent on each other to keep the ball rallying back and forth. In this big bad break up aftermath, one of us had to drop the ball.

How does one avoid the scenario above? I would say, dial each number consciously and say each number outloud as you dial. If I had it to do over again, I would put all phone numbers I intentionally call on speed dial. I think the reason misdialing happens is because we really want to call the person and unconsciously do so, even though it is appropriate. The root cause however is the engaging power struggle which has to be addressed and combated.

I sent my ex a fax saying that I wouldn't listen to anymore messages. Unfortunately, this was me hitting the ball back hard enough that his racket would miss it. Technically I won the game, but if I had been truly and honestly disengaging, I would have dropped the ball and forfeited, by doing nothing. It did stopped, just the same- maybe it was a relief for my ex too. In break ups, no one really wins.

What I did gain is that I never again craved this kind of drama. I went cold turkey that day and have remained on the wagon ever since. Since then I have avoided relationships that would set the stage for this kind of intensity. That is another way I discovered to shape a relationships in a way that avoids a big-bad break up, if it is to end. I have also discovered that there is nothing wrong with ending a relationship gracefully or avoiding one, before the fact, that could lead to trouble.
I did, however manage to pick up the pieces of myself. When this happened I was able to move forward. I found that the positive ways that I ended up filling my time with became new discoveries that propelled me forward. One great example is the day I drove up the coast to a beautiful place in my area that I had never been to despite living in the CA bay area for ten years. It was the wonderful seal refuge Ano Nuevo.

It was a blessing that my first semester at the University I transferred to was shortly after the break up. Winter was in-between the big bad break, which seemed like impending hell, at the time. In preparation I took a very last minute trip to Costa Rica. Not only did I escape winter, I got to escape the overwhelming all consuming situation I was in. Thank goodness I am so resourceful! Please don't read this and think I was able to take off like this because I had money- I actually traveled on a shoestring, which is my style and the formula for many adventures. Some may accuse me of running away and I say guilty as charged.
I don't know that I can offer many solutions. I just know that I learned that when you allow someone to fill a space in your life, you are vulnerable to having an empty space. True to my generation, these days, relationships are a side dish, not a main course.

At the time of my big bad break up, I felt many things and had many kinds of miseries. The most helpful thing was filling the empty space which took significant effort and initiative on my part. To this day, I never take this ability for granted. It is a gift that helps me through any kind of loss.