Surviving Child Molestation

Pedophilia is defined by the textbook Psychopathology, Custom Edition for the University of South Carolina as "the most tragic sexual deviance" and as a "sexual attraction to children or young adolescents". Over and over again this problem has made the news in scandals involving everyone from Catholic priests to many documented cases of teachers being involved with underage students. Perpetrators of this crime can be male or female; according to the text, individuals with this patern of arousal may be attracted to male children, female children or even both.

Disturbingly, the textbook cites a study which found that 12% of men and 17% of women reported being touched inappropriately by adults when they were children. Another finding cited in the text showed a 125% increase in sexual abuse of children in the 1990's to over 330,000 children in the US. Keep in mind that many cases go unreported for many reasons. However, just blindly stating statistics does not give you, the reader, the reality of what a survivor experiences. To that end, I will share with you some of my own experiences as a survivor of molestation.

I only recently told my family about my experiences when I was 5 or 6. Twenty-seven years is a long time to keep silent, and I had sworn it was a secret I'd take to my grave for many reasons. At first, it was not something I thought was wrong. It was just a game to me that was supposed to be kept secret. Soon after moving away to a place far from my molester, I discovered the feeling that I could give myself when I touched myself in certain ways. At 6 or 7, I knew this was something parents should not know about but still did not realize anything was wrong with my experiences.

It was later when I began hearing about "inappropriate touching" in school programs. Unfortunately, this also coincided with learning about the sin of homosexuality in church. So in addition to learning I had been violated, I learned I was an abomination and disgusting because of it. Ultimately, this reinforced my decision not to tell my parents what had happened. I continued to masturbate at this early age but was terrified at the thought of the normal sexual experimentation the other kids were doing as we grew up. I already knew I was disgusting inside; what if they found out? So when the other kids played doctor or "I'll show you mine if you show me yours", I was withdrawn and avoidant. I refused to undress in front of the other kids and group showers were simply out of the question. Why, I did not know at the time.

I think I did figure it out though. It's something indefinable but definitely part of childhood; my innocence. Whatever that nebulous quality was, I didn't have it. I knew shame before I should have. I had eaten the forbidden fruit, so to speak, and so was denied the garden the other kids enjoyed. This had lasting effects beyond just shame where other kids experimented.

My feelings of disgust with myself carried over into my daily life and turned self-esteem into a near impossibility. The slightest criticisms became painful wounds because I already thought of myself as flawed beyond repair. Even sincere compliments were brushed aside by me as sarcasm; after all, no one compliments the disgusting. Despite all this, as time passed and I learned to present a happy face to the world around me, I felt distance between me and my molestation. I thought I was healing. I was wrong.

Recent events have brought to the surface the secret I swore I'd never tell. The pain is almost too intense and the fear of confrontation has brought me to my knees, literally, in panic attacks. I am able to function with the help of some anti-anxiety medications, but the fear is still there in the background. And the fear is multi-fold. Will I face my molester? Will I have to prosecute since SC has no statute of limitations on child molestation? Will my other family look at me differently; with disgust or pity? Will my mother stop asking if it was her fault? Does she truly believe she is a "bad mother"? Will I forgive myself for revealing this after 27 years? Can I handle any of the above?

This is made worse knowing that anything, prosecution or simply facing the family, is a long term prospect. I didn't really ever want to face this, and now the thought of months or years of dealing with this within the my family or the courts is... daunting. Part of me knows I was the victim here, but part of me still believes I am a disgusting person. I lost my childhood and will never truly know what it was like for "normal" kids. I can only hope that you read this and realize that shame, fear and sometimes just the desire to make it go away by pretending it never happened are very real reasons why people may wait or even never report their abuse. My advice: talk to your kids young about what is good touching and bad touching. Age 4 or 5 isn't too early if that's when it can happen. Please, don't let your child experience this at 33 like me.

Sources:

Mark Gittner, Author of article, molestation survivor

Psychopathology Custom Edition for the University of South Carolina Author: Barlow/durand; A/ISBN: 1111055076 (1-111-05507-6)

http://www.wnd.com/?pageId=39783 (list of teachers violating students)