Surviving a Death

There is happiness and survival after the death of a loved one. Some make it, some don't. This is my story of my search to find a successful life after death...

My story is not uncommon. I loved my husband dearly and knew that disease would finally take him from me. In his case, it was Parkinson's Disease. It doesn't matter what the disease, at 11:32 am on December 20, 2006, my husband was dead. My new and unwanted title in life was 'widow.' My husband's title was 'the remains.' Nothing in life prepares you for this moment in life. It is unwanted and cruel.

Of course I cried. What is there to do at the time? Everyone around you is whispering how sorry they are. The doctor gingerly walks in and asks if there is an autopsy requested. It's a nightmare that is only beginning. What follows leaves little choices...a casket, choices of clothes to be worn both by 'the remains' and the widow, funeral speeches...and on it goes. You realize that only your life stands completely still for the few days of initial mourning.

Once the funeral is over and everyone goes away, there is silence. It's a lonely, horrible silence that is so much more powerful than any ever experienced. It is at this point when decisions are made that will determine whether those left behind to 'live' are successful or will be swept down into the black hole of despair.
It is at this point that I knew that grieving was about my personal journey. This was not about my dead husband anymore.

Grieving is truly a selfish experience. It is all about feeling sorry for yourself. I repeat, THERE IS NOTHING MORE THAT CAN BE DONE TO HELP THE PERSON WHO HAS DIED. This is an important concept. Hopefully all that could have been done for that person was done during the time the person was alive. This time your feelings and decisions are about yourself. It is your choice to 'die' with your loved one or to search for life.

My search began with a very strong, self-inflicted, hard kick out the front door to find new interests and new friends. By all means, old friends have an important role to play, but new friends are the ones who know only you, not 'you' as the other half of a couple. I joined a Widow/Widowers Club and made it known that I was looking for people who would join me for lunch, movie partners, dinner friends...I was available. I joined a bereavement group at the local hospital that met weekly and a book club. I purchased a calendar and was delighted when I could fill the boxes with social engagements.

In the first few weeks, I knew I was pushing to get myself involved. After a few weeks, I shared with my bereavement group that it was important 'to push and push until it doesn't feel like pushing anymore.' My social life was becoming incredibly active and I was smiling. Even my bereavement group was astonished at the progress I had made. They were even more astonished when I decided to make a very large decision to have a face-lift. It was worth it! All I wanted was to have all the tired years taken away, and it worked. Now everyone wants to follow my lead and have their 'tired years' taken off of their faces.

Another change that I made that helped tremendously was a change in the way I dressed. If you dress for success to get a job, then it's important to dress for success to find your life. I made sure that I wore bright colors, shirts with beautiful flowers and even t-shirts with the words 'laugh,' or 'live.' People notice and compliment you. It's another way to add smiles to your day.

The choice for life after death is not an easy one, but once made, is richly rewarding. Push to live!