Surviving France: Five Rules for a Visit to Paris

"There are the French and there are Parisians," my fiancée explained during my first month in Paris, when I moved there from the UK to take up a job. She wasn't my fiancée at the time, I should note, but she's French and was living in the city, so you can take it for granted that she knew what she was talking about. I lived there for over seven years: an Englishman abroad, learning the language, the customs, navigation of bureaucracy, how far to push, when to retreat, which wines taste nice... and I learned to love the Parisians. Well, most of them. Here, I present a little distilled wisdom - if I may be so bold as to call it that - to help people avoid unnecessary difficulties when visiting the City of Lights.

Rule number one: "No, I don't speak English."

I have to put this rule in. It's the first thing I learned when I moved to France and it remains the most important to know and understand. Imagine you are walking in the street in your home town; a stranger approaches, smiles and rattles off something in a foreign language. You barely have time to think before the stranger sighs, rolls his eyes and rattles off something else. Then he says, in broken English: "Do you speak [insert language here]?" Far too many tourists and foreigners do this in Paris.

The French are very proud of their language, and rightly so. You are a visitor in their country and, as such, are expected to make an effort. Outside of Paris, you will generally find people more understanding of an incapability to string three words together into something vaguely resembling a sentence, but in the city it's unlikely. So what to do if you don't know much French? Simple: start with a bit of basic politeness. If you're stopping someone in the street, a smile and an introductory "Excusez-moi, monsieur/madame, parlez-vous anglais?" can make all the difference. In a shop, make the effort to say "Bonjour" to the person serving you, even if you then have to revert to hand signals to show what you wish to purchase. Say "Merci" when you receive your goods and "Au revoir" before leaving - the "thank you, bye" is even standard when leaving a café and can get you treated like a regular within a matter of days.

The thing here is the effort. Saying "hello" first and asking politely whether a person speaks English will give a much higher possibility of a response such as "a little" or "not very well", whereas simply speaking in your native tongue from the outset will encourage the person to say "no" and walk away. A little effort goes a long way and, I'm happy to say, the French do love British and American accents. Bit of a bonus, there!

Rule number two: "Looks are important."

In a country that produces so many fashion designers and beautiful models, I suppose it's understandable that appearances would be important. However, I grew up in England, where you can have pink hair, a bolt through your nose, flourescent yellow shoes and still be elected to government, so I was surprised at just how important appearances are in France, and particularly in Paris. It can be summed up in one sentence: you willbe judged by what you wear, how your hair is cut and any other aspect of your physical appearance. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt is a no-no, folks.

Now, that's not to say that the French are shallow. Not at all. It's just one of those cultural things, like Londoners calling everyone "mate" - Parisians generally make an effort to present themselves in the best possible way for a person of their means, so they assume that you will do the same. This, unfortunately, means that anyone who looks a little bit different may have some problems with Antarctic-temperature reactions when trying to break the ice with strangers. It's entirely possible to get past this problem - when I was living there I had hair down to the middle of my back, always wore big black boots, all black clothes and had the essential Goth leather coat, yet managed to be an accepted and (I dare hope) well-liked member of my local community. It just takes time.

Rule number three: "France is not a backwards, second-world country."

Do not ask the French if they have cars and televisions. Do not assume they have gas-fired city lights and have never seen an indoor toilet. I have absolutely no idea where most of these bizarre urban myths come from, but by all accounts there are still people in the world who believe the French live in the 16th Century or something. These are the people with the TGV, for goodness' sake. With 8 megabit unlimited-download cable internet connections including telephony, television and everything else on a monthly payment that costs half as much as a crummy 2 megabit connection in the UK. The people who invented the aqualung, the hot air balloon, the dual layer DVD (I believe) and who are constantly pushing the boundaries of technology. Heck, one of the guys I worked with had six (count them, six) patents pending concurrently for new network technologies.

France is in love with technology. At the same time, it is a country of tradition and respect for the arts, unlike most other science-focussed places I can think of. The French can respect a poet and a scientist equally. They can admire a beautiful painting in a digital frame. They manage, somehow, to keep traditions in food, wine and culture from hundreds of years ago and bring them up to date, using new machinery, without damaging them. It's quite a skill.

Rule number four: "You don't have the right form."

People who hate bureaucracy will not enjoy the French way of doing things. If you can, avoid all forms of bureaucracy when you are there: they have so much red tape, they could repave all the streets in the city with it and have enough left over to make a really pretty bow the size of the Eiffel Tower. Having lived there, I have experienced this for myself and it's a nightmare: arriving at a government department to obtain a permit of some kind usually involves travelling between three or four rooms (and waiting your turn in each one) to obtain various forms, stamps and approvals before finally achieving your goal. While this has been greatly ameliorated by the use of the Internet (see rule three, their love of technology), it still exists.

In France, you must always carry your papers - a passport or identity card. If you are driving and are stopped by the Police or Gendarmes, you must present not only your license, but the papers for the vehicle and your insurance. Missing documents will incur an on-the-spot fine. It is important to have everything in order and to hand.

Incidentally, the Police and the Gendarmes are very different. The Police Nationale is a civil organisation, responsible for city patrols, policing large towns and so on. The Gendarmerie Nationale is a miltary force responsible for the countryside, coastal areas, rivers and towns of under 10,000 population. The difference is immediately noticeable when dealing with them: the Police are more laid-back and act like normal cops, whereas the Gendarmes (in my personal experience) are much more efficient, polite and regimented. They're also really scary if you happen to run into them at night, as they tend to be much more heavily armed!

Rule number five: "If you love us, we will adore you."

Many people make the mistake of thinking that the French are egotistical xenophobes. They're not. In some ways, it's more difficult to get past the outer defenses of a Frenchman (or woman), but I believe that's a result of other influences such as their cultural judging by appearance. If you love France and the way of life, you will generally find the French will warm to you very quickly and enthuse endlessly about their love of your home country. Being open, friendly and admirative (or at least appreciative) of France can help your relationships hugely.

Bonus rule for women: "We have a reputation to maintain."

As a closing comment, I have to comment on an unfortunate result of many, many years of films involving French men and romance. It is commonly accepted that the French are romantic, poetic and great lovers. Movies over the last fifty years or so have ingrained this into the psyche of many a country. The unfortunate down-side to this is that a large number of French men actually believe it. That's not to say they all do - I have met some incredibly nice, gentle, kind, generous men in France. It's more a case of a larger percentage of the male population being somewhat too macho and willing to try to flirt (or whatever else) with any foreign woman they meet. It's not as bad as Italy, but be warned to be on your guard!

And there you have it: some tips for people visiting Paris. Obviously, this information is drawn from personal experience and should be taken as opinion, not scientifically proven fact. I do hope, however, that it gives a little insight and help to anyone visiting this beautiful city. Bon voyage!