Surviving Holiday Grief

With the holiday season upon us, our thoughts often turn to family and friends. Whether our gatherings are full of joy and laughter or frustration and passive-aggression; for most of us the holidays means coming together. But what of those among us who are alone? What about those of us who have lost someone special? What do the holidays really mean when you are grieving?

As a marriage and family therapist, it is often my job to empathize and share the right bit of wisdom or insight to help people deal with the greatest challenges in their life. Often I am successful, to some degree or another, in offering my clients a sense of hope in their personal moment of hopelessness and yet when grief is the pain, I have learned that there are no often words of comfort or magical cure for grief. Loss and bereavement are the kryptonite to my super psychotherapy powers.

So if I, a trained professional struggle to find the key to comforting those in grief, how can the average person support the people they love during loss? As Joan Didion said in her memoir, A Year of Magical Thinking, "grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it." It is impossible to truly know the pain that each person experiences after a loved one has died. However, it is possible to support those we love as they go through their unique journey of grief.

Bereavement is a highly personal journey that does not conform to rules or steps as some books would suggest. Yes there is sadness, anger, denial, bargaining, and even some form of acceptance but I have found in both my professional life and my personal life that these emotions don't fit neatly into some step-by-step process. Rather each person must navigate their own path through their grief. And just as there is no cookie-cutter plan to "get over" the loss of a loved one, there is no simple plan to support someone through that process. But there are some guideposts you can use.

Meet them where they are. This is truly one of the cornerstones of my therapeutic approach. As a therapist, and in my personal life, I believe that we are best able to support those we love when we are willing to accept them in whatever emotional state they are in at the moment. If we agree that each person's experience of grief is different then the most effective way to support them is if you first take time to understand their grief process and where they are in it.

The holiday season often brings up memories and family rituals for all of us. Allow the person who has experienced the loss to set the tone and agenda for holiday celebrations, or lack thereof. For some individuals the need to maintain certain holiday rituals or activities can seem as important as eating and sleeping. For others the mere mention of Christmas dinner or a New Year's Eve party is enough to send them back to bed. Either way, lend your support to their plans and try not to let your expectations or even what you know about who they are (or more accurately who they used to be) color your perception of what's "right" for them.

Seek your own support. Regardless of how close you were to the deceased, when someone we love loses someone they love we all experience grief in varying degrees. It is important to recognize that grief is one of the loneliest emotions that we experience as human beings. In an instance our lives change and our hearts experience a missing piece. Yet the world around us continues on. Because in many respects life does keep going as if nothing has changed it can be overwhelming to deal with grief, however secondary, on our own. This is the time to implement the "airplane rule"- put on your oxygen mask before you try to put anyone else's on. Talk with friends and family, join a support group, talk with clergy, or find a therapist. Having someone to talk to, especially someone with no emotional ties to the situation validates your experience and fills you up emotionally, allowing you to then be a support to someone else.

Hold the hope, but don't force them to believe. The death of a loved one can be like suddenly finding yourself at the bottom of steep canyon; you can't imagine that you will ever climb out. The sadness, anger, and even loneliness can be so powerful that the idea that one day you will enjoy your life again can seem almost laughable in the midst of it. And yet the truth is that the human spirit is amazingly resilient. People overcome profound loss and trauma every day. Often in my office the work I do with bereaved clients is what I call "holding the hope." I am the keeper of hopeful and joyful thoughts until they are ready to own them again.

As a friend or loved one you can also hold the hope. Don't argue when they say they'll never eat pumpkin pie again because that was their late brother's favorite Thanksgiving treat. Don't offer a blind date when they are emphatically proclaiming that they will never find love again after the loss of their wife or the end of their nasty divorce (remember, loss does not always mean death). No one in the midst of sorrow and loss wants to combat your logical arguments as to why they will enjoy pumpkin pie and the companionship of another lover at some point in their life. Save the encouraging words, and blind dates, for when they are ready to accept them. In the meantime, just hang on to the hope while you hold their hand and introduce them to the virtues of apple pie and ice cream.

Honor their grief but don't be afraid to encourage them to seek help. A long time ago grief was seen as a mental disorder, the excessive crying and sadness was perceived by the psychological and medical communities as hysterical or self-indulgent. We've come a long way from that point but there is still a long way to go. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV-TR) suggests that bereavement lasting longer than 2months is pathological and should be diagnosed as major depressive disorder. I think most practicing therapists would disagree. As I've said before each individual has their own unique process and therefore time frame for grieving. There is no magical number of months you are allowed to cry or be sad or even angry.

Sometimes the holiday season (or a birthday or anniversary) can act as a trigger. Talk openly about your concerns and the possible benefits of therapy not only to address problematic behavior or emotions but as a tool to learn coping skills for future difficult times. A therapist is an excellent resource for the entire grieving process regardless of the length or severity of anxiety or depressive symptoms. As a general rule I encourage anyone concerned about a family member or friend's emotional health to ask themselves one question- is the behavior I am worrying about interfering with their ability to function in daily life? If the answer if yes, then its time for professional help from a therapist or other mental health professional. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services offer excellent resources. In addition, there are a number of online therapist directories to help you find a professional in your area.