Surviving the Holidays with an Autistic Child

Tis' the season...to be stressed out! The Christmas season is stressful for most people. There's the shopping in over crowded stores and malls for that perfect gift, stressing about money or the mounting credit card bills. Maybe you have the stress of balancing, or arguing, over which families homes you are going to celebrate at or how you're going to accommodate everyone in your home on Christmas Eve.

When you have a child with Autism, all these stressors are magnified tenfold. While Wal-Mart tends to already be a stressful place for a lot of Autistic children (high, open ceilings with tons of fluorescent bulbs), add in 20 times more people, even more noise and chaos, and the bell ringer from the Salvation Army that our children become so fascinated with that we can barely tear them away without a meltdown. Then we start worrying about how our child will handle going to someones home for a Christmas party where there will be so many people, and so many strange people. "How will my child react? How am I going to deal with questions, stares, etc when he has a meltdown? What will I do when he shows no interest for his gifts?" Just thinking about all those obstacles and past Christmas disasters can send me into a panic attack! How about you?

It really doesn't have to be this stressful for us. As in everyday life with my Autistic children, I have learned to find ways of turning most everything we do into a learning experience/therapy for the boys. Within the last year, I have found many solutions to these issues while hostessing my childrens birthday parties. All three of my childrens birthdays fall every two weeks within a month ½'s time and my oldest two always require these large extravagant parties, meaning plenty of people in my home. That includes many tween's that my Autistic toddler does not know. This leads to my first suggestion...

If possible, try to host the Christmas party at your home. I know this can mean more work for you, depending on how large your family. But this can give you and your child a huge advantage because your child is in his territory and has the comfort of his safe and favorite places of the home and all his favorite toys and items within reach. Whenever we have guests over, you can tell when my boys become over stimulated because they go off to their bedroom together and immerse themselves in building some magnificent Lego creation. I allow them to do so and then later encourage them to proudly show off their creation to our guests, which helps teach them social skills.

When hosting the party at your home is not possible or you are still feeling obligated to go to others parties, go prepared. My oldest son brings his game system and that helps to divert his attention when the stimulation gets to be to much. My toddler has a toddler sized backpack that is packed full of trinkets and toys (cheapies that won't be horribly missed if accidentally left behind) that he only gets when we go out. I also pack his own little game system and a few of his favorite snacks inside for him to discover. Having things to divert their attention from the "negative" stimulation is key. Also, I suggest arriving early before everyone else. This way your child has some time to adjust to the environment before it becomes busy and loud. And personally, I have the theory, "First to arrive, first to leave!" (wink!) Also, having your "bag of tricks" can help with many of your holiday activities such as shopping, Christmas mass at church, etc.

Gift giving and receiving can be issue with Autistic children. Some do not even want to unwrap the gift or some, like my toddler, opens the first gift and becomes so obsessed with that particular toy that he wants nothing to do with anything else. While it makes that particular gift giver feel really good, it can sometimes hurt others feelings if they do not understand Autism fully. So, there are a few things you can do to help this situation. First, before the event, be sure to speak with anyone who either is not aware of your child's condition or does not understand and explain why your child may do this. You can coach them on how to try to interact with your child, if they are interested. Explain to them that they need to give your child a little time with the item they are entranced with and then they could come sit next to your child and engage in conversation and questions about their toy. Then they can try to present their gift to your child. Explain to them not to take it personally if he doesn't show any interest at first, it's his nature. Give them the option of either opening the gift for your child and trying to engage in conversation about the gift, sitting back and waiting to see if he eventually shows interest in opening another gift, or allowing you to take it home for your child to open when he is ready. Most people give gifts to bring joy to others and like to see the joy their gift has brought to that person. So, I suggest that if your child will not open a gift or shows no interest in a gift that has been unwrapped for him, then later (and we all know it may be days later) when your child does find his way to his gift, snap a picture of your child enjoying his present and send it to the gift giver with a note of thanks. I have done this many times and the gift givers have always been tickled by the gesture.

You can also practice gift giving and receiving ahead of time, if you'd like. Wrap up many different items that your child will like or find amusing. As you give your child each gift, use visual or written prompts that demonstrate, "Thank you," "open present," and exclaiming appreciation like, "Wow," or my sons favorite, "Cool!" Use a similar strategy when working with your child to give a gift. Use visual or written prompts to teach, "This is for you," and, "You're welcome." By doing this, you are not only teaching etiquette for gift giving but encouraging social interaction which can be hard for children with Autism.

One the biggest stressors for parents of an Autistic child is the fear of how others with judge or react to their children. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to worry about such things when we are in the presence of our family and friends but, sadly, it does happen for some people. Normally their reactions are out of ignorance or sometimes downright denial that your child, their family member, is Autistic or "has something wrong with them." This can be so hurtful as a parent and invoke many feelings in us. Most often, we would love to lash out at that person and release some pent up frustration that we have been carrying around and fighting so hard to control, like an adult is expected to do. I, myself, have lashed out at a few people and left them with their jaws hanging to the floor. It happens to the best of us. And while I still say the few that have pushed me to the point of giving them a verbal lashing "had it coming," I reminded myself that I was raised to always be the bigger person and to come out looking like a lady. So, while it may feel good in the moment to say, "Listen here, you stupid bleepity, bleep, bleep, bleep," later you may regret spouting off like a mad hatter. (Even if they did have it coming!) Take some time when you are not feeling so stressed and think of some clever, witty comments that you can come back with. I like to still leave them with their jaws dropped but, not in utter shock at my outrage. I've retorted to sickening sweet comebacks that leave them feeling ever so ashamed that they made that comment about a disabled child. And honestly, I get even more satisfaction out of that. Sometimes you may not be able to contain your anger and disgust enough to speak a word without the "bleepity-bleeps." If so, keep some Autism information cards close at hand and give them a very cool look as you hand it to them. Really, ignorance is usually the cause of such rude comments and you can do the whole world justice by educating them.

Above all, remember that this is YOUR family's holiday. Do not allow others to make you feel guilty for setting up the tools and/or boundaries that your family needs to be able to enjoy the season to it's fullest. Yes, that's easier said than done for some, including me. But over time I've learned that I need to protect what is most important to me, my family. In my book, that makes me the best mother and wife a family could wish for. My holiday wish for you is that you are able to do the same. May your family have the most joyous Christmas this year.