Surviving Life with an Alcoholic Spouse: How I Did It

My husband and I have been married for just over two years. We met online and had a long distance relationship for a while, then eloped and had a long distance marriage for about 5 months before he was able to move halfway across the country to be with me and my children.

Before he moved in, I had no idea about his alcoholism. I knew that he drank, but I did too. We both drank quite a bit for the first few months after he moved in, partially to celebrate our new life together, and as I found out later, partially because he was addicted to it.

As time went on, it became more and more obvious to me that he was an alcoholic. He drank every day. And it wasn't just one or two drinks - it was a full bottle of liquor almost every day. When he drank, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. Until I realized that it was the alcohol causing it, I felt as though everything was my fault. I believed him when he told me that I was fat, or lazy, or worthless, or whatever the insult of the evening was. I cried myself to sleep so many times that I quickly lost count. But he always apologized the next day, and in my state of denial, I believed him.

There were physical altercations as well. When I was 6 months pregnant with our son, he choked me with my shirt - I finally called the police and he was arrested on charges of domestic battery. I kept trying to convince him that he had a problem, but he didn't believe me. I did everything that I could.

Most of my friends and family couldn't understand why I stayed around. When I look back now, I sometimes wonder why I did. I know that every marriage is different and every alcoholic is different, but with my husband, I could still see occasional glances of the man that I fell in love with, and I knew that he was still there. I stuck around, and I started focusing more on myself than on him. I knew that I had to take care of myself and my children, and if he continued on the path that he was taking, it was not going to be pleasant. Finally, during a trip to see his parents, he realized the damage that he was doing to himself, our kids, our families, our friends, and our marriage. He finally realized what he was doing to me. When he got back from his trip he went straight to inpatient rehab.

Today is his 61st day of being sober. It hasn't been easy for either one of us. We have been trying to get to know each other again. We have been learning how to communicate again. There are still problems - his sobriety didn't instantly eliminate them at all. We have financial issues that are about to swallow us. We still have some resentment about the way that we treated each other. We don't get to spend much time together because he works full-time and then he goes to AA meetings daily.

I can't give anyone the key to surviving a spouse's alcoholism. For some people, the answer is to leave. For some people, it is to stay. I made the choice that was right for me at the time. My true friends have supported me through that, and our friendships are stronger now. I believe that our marriage is stronger now as well. If we can survive this, I feel that we can survive just about anything.

If you are going through a similar situation, I would love to hear from you. I won't give you advice unless you ask for it, but I will be an understanding ear when you feel that no one else will listen.