Surviving a Long-distance Relationship: Tips from Someone Who's Been There

Long-distance relationships can be hard. Trust me, I know. When my husband and I were first dating, our entire pre-marriage relationship was conducted from a distance of one to two hours. We saw each other once every week or two, for a day or two at a time. And it was incredibly straining, and we almost broke up due to some mistakes we both made. But we survived three years of it, and ended up having a happy marriage. If you are in a long-distance relationship and really want to make it last, follow these tips from someone who's been there.

Don't let jealousy get the better of you

One of the biggest problems in a long-distance relationship is jealousy. You're not there with him, so when he starts talking about his friendship with a woman at work, your imagination goes into overdrive. He speaks so highly of her, so they must be having an affair. After all, who would stick around for a long-distance relationship when he has a woman right there every day, right? Wrong. Chances are, they really are just friends. Don't allow your imagination to run away with you. Extreme jealousy and possessiveness are the quickest ways to turn a relationship sour, so don't let your paranoia and insecurity get the best of you. And if you do start having these feelings of jealousy, talk about them with your significant other. Express your concerns. You may be right, and maybe that woman has ulterior motives that your man just isn't seeing. Or you may be wrong, and seeing things that aren't there. Either way, get those feelings out in the open and talk about them. Which brings me to my next point:

Be honest about your feelings

If you bottle up your feelings in the name of "keeping the peace," you're going to end up with a lot of resentment, which can rapidly turn ugly. Don't do it. You need to get those feelings out in the name of honestly and intimacy. At the same time, if you know you're blowing things out of proportion, mention that to your loved one. Tell her that you know you're being paranoid, or overly protective, but this is how you feel. In the same token, if your significant other mentions his or her feelings, respect them. Don't just blow it off with a "You're just being nuts, get over it" attitude. That won't solve anything, and will instead likely make matters worse. Really listen to the other person, and try to work through the problem. Sometimes this can lead to an argument or hurt feelings, and that's ok, as long as it's handled properly:

Don't let a disagreement or bad feelings fester

Sometimes we get so upset that it becomes obvious that nothing will get solved until we take a step back from the situation. That's ok. But don't just end the conversation and leave it hanging. If you need some perspective, take it, but the next time you talk to your significant other, try to resolve the situation. If you find that you both have a tendency to say the wrong things, causing arguments to escalate, you may need to set ground rules for arguing. You can find some of those rules in my article How to Fight With Your Spouse: 5 Ground Rules to Save Your Marriage. While the article is geared toward married couples, the same rules can apply to any relationship.

Make the most of the time you spend together

Whether that time is on the phone or in person, don't waste it. Don't spend your entire hour-long phone conversation lamenting about how much you miss one another, and how much you hate long-distance relationships. Those kinds of things can be brought up from time to time, but don't dwell on the negative. Instead, focus on enjoying the time you do have together. Talk about your plans for the future, or even just the little things that happened to you throughout the day. Focusing on the negative will make your relationship feel like work instead of joyful and fun, and that will be a quick mood-killer. Sometimes it's hard to let go of the sadness, but make an effort to help one another see the good things in your relationship. A good way to do that is to:

Surprise one another

Every now and then, send a random gift for no reason whatsoever. Send a random "I love you because..." email. Send an e-card. Leave a happy message on her answering machine at home to cheer her up when you know she's having a rough day at work. Take a sick day and surprise him by showing up at his doorstep unannounced (but not at a time that will interfere with his work or other obligations). Little surprises keep the relationship fresh, and help both of you focus on the happy parts of your relationship rather than how much you hate long-distance relationships.

Long-distance relationships carry inherent problems that other relationships never face. Issues of jealousy and loneliness can be more pronounced when you can't see your significant other on a regular basis. But if you follow these tips, and if the relationship is meant to be, you can make your long-distance relationship go the distance.