Surviving a Seperation

Marriage separation is not an easy task. It puts a strain on your family, your job, and honestly everyone you come in contact with. Hearing the person who swore to love you for better or worse say that they've "had it" and they "just want out", is without a doubt the single most nauseating thing you'll ever experience (trust me, I speak from experience). They swear there isn't anyone else, but their just not happy. And maybe time and some space might help. You of course didn't see this coming, and are devastated. Your first thought is probably that you will become a statistic, but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. Separation can sometimes be a positive thing, despite the fact that it is a painful and difficult process.

But the good news is, you CAN survive this dark time in your life and make it through to the other side. It is possible but like anything else that's worth having you're going to have to work to save your marriage, it's not just going to save itself. Even though there aren't any set rules for what to do and what not to do during a marital separation, there are some common sense guidelines that you should definitely follow.

Keep your focus positive; never stop believing your marriage can be rebuilt. This will be harder on some days than others; believe in the happy ending. A positive attitude and A LOT of faith is what it takes to get through it. Avoid people or books that are not positive and want to bash or bad mouth your spouse.

The first thing you need to do to survive your current marital situation is to...

Use this Time to Reflect

A marriage separation does not mean the end of your marriage. It can be a great time to reflect on the relationship and where the problems started. Although there may have been many, many different arguments and disagreements, is there a central time or event that the problems came from? By identifying the root problems in the relationship, you can help repair the damage that has been done and prevent the same problems from happening again.

You may discover that the problems began because the two of you have a trouble communicating. Or you might just uncover things about yourself that could be improved, things that your spouse had mentioned over and over but you simply disregarded. Think about the different things you can do to save your marriage, whether it's goals and following through or marriage counseling. When you do have the opportunity to discuss things with your spouse, don't make ultimatums. Simply talk to them about the things you've been thinking about and reflecting on and see what they think about it all. But don't monopolize the entire conversation, make sure that you are listening to your spouse as well, chances are they've had some time to reflect themselves and may have some important points to make as well.

Step into Your Spouse's Shoes

Something that can really help you in your efforts to repair your broken marriage is stepping into your spouse's shoes. Think about the things that bother your spouse and why? What are some of the things you do or say that upset or hurt your spouse? Be empathetic and try to realize why these things are hurtful and upsetting and what you can do to fix it. It's important that you really consider how you're words and actions played a role in the dissolution of your marriage. Once you acknowledge to your spouse that you know where you went wrong they may realize that you really do care and that you want to make things better.

Don't Berate, Blame, or Accuse

If your spouse swears there isn't someone else, and there is no real evidence of an affair, give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't engage in screaming matches, no matter how hurt, angry, and upset you are. This kind of behavior is a HUGE turn off and you've just validated to your spouse why they're better off without you.Trust me they won't respond the way you want them to. Wait until you're calmer to try to talk and never attack, point fingers or lay blame.Calmly, ask how the two of you can work together to make things better and if they're willing to try counseling. If you're able to keep your exchanges amicable, in time you might even suggest a date.

Find Neutral Territory

This means both location and subject matter. If you need to discuss bills, the kids, or other important issues, stick only to the imperative points, speak in factual terms, and arrive at a decision together. Keep the list to a minimum, so it doesn't feel like a list of demands or a bunch of excuses to keep them on the phone. By finding a neutral location to meet up, especially if it's a public place, you can help reduce the tension as well as the chance of getting involved in a heated argument. Keep all other conversations light, there's no need to constantly bombard your spouse with questions or continue to rehash things that have already been said. It's important to let them lead the conversation, this way you don't cross over into territory that they're not ready to explore yet.

Be Respectful but Expect the Same in Return

Remember how much you love your spouse, and try to show them respect and common courtesy. Remaining civil with one another will keep you from building walls. You'll be more at ease which will make it easier to discuss and sort out important issues. However, you should never allow your spouse to walk on you. You deserve respect and courtesy as well. If your spouse behaves hatefully, try not to react over-emotionally. Simply disengage and tell him you will speak to him another time when he can remain civil. Don't allow your feelings and emotions to control your reactions.

Don't Act Like a Stalker

Seriously, Don't spy on your spouse; don't check their cell phone messages or follow them to see if there really is another person involved. Don't call several times a day or at all hours. Stay off of any social networking sites they may have like Myspace or Facebook, don't read their mail or email. Aside from being a federal crime it's just plain rude. Don't just happen to show up as they're leaving work or arriving at their favorite coffee shop. By all means, never harass or embarrass them at work. Although all these things are tempting you really just need to give them space. If you don't; they will run away even farther from you. I know you've heard, "if you love someone let them go." These are words you must live by at this point in your relationship.You absolutely CAN NOT smother them. Neediness is not attractive, and if it crosses the line, it can actually be considered stalking and your spouse can press charges. Always think things through before you act or react, and try not to make purely emotional decisions. Rule to follow: Let the emotions subside AND THEN decide.

Don't Play the Victim

You're likely to feel like running to a friend or loved one to cry on their willing shoulder, but it's very important to resist the temptation to spill your guts to someone. Friends and family love and care about you and are often quick to "take sides" in these situations. But it's not likely that you're going to tell the WHOLE truth when regaling your side of the story and many times you'll only end up making your spouse look bad. Telling anyone and everyone who'll listen about you're marital problems is only asking for trouble that you really don't need. Gossip is a favorite pastime of many people and even though they may love you, let's face it your drama is very likely to be the talk around the lunch table. If you need to vent your feelings to someone make sure it's someone you can trust like a close friend, pastor or therapist, someone you are certain is not or can not divulge your talks. Talk ONLY to this person and for anyone else who asks "How are you doing?" You can simply answer them.. "I'm doing well how are things with you." This takes the focus off of you and onto them. Avoid the poor pitiful me routine all together, after all you wouldn't want word getting back to your spouse that you've been airing your dirty laundry out all over town, now would you?

Don't Bash, Bad Mouth or Expose

This one goes hand in hand with playing the victim and is something you should avoid doing at ALL costs! It's so very important that you don't talk poorly about your spouse to anyone, keep this in mind: If you would be having the conversation in front of your spouse you shouldn't be having it AT ALL! Don't make up lies or spout off things you have no proof of and if you do have proof don't expose your spouses faults and flaws to anyone and everyone. It's really no one's business what is going on with your spouse and you shouldn't be making it their business. This is especially important when it comes to children. You must respect the role of your children. They're not friends or therapists for frustrated parents, and should not be treated as such. Children are neutral parties who should not be involved in conflict between you and your spouse. Absolutely DO NOT put your spouse down in front of your children. Even though you're hurt show respect towards your spouse in front of the kids. If you can't do that then don't say anything at all. It will only come back to haunt you as well as send the wrong message to the children and leave them feeling confused. Keep this in mind: If what you have to say isn't something positive or uplifting then keep it to your self.

Live Your Life

Don't sit by the phone waiting for it to ring, but don't always be immediately available either. Live your life. If your spouse asks to talk or get together but you have other plans or obligations, say so. Don't drop everything every time they calls. Instead, offer another more convenient time if you do want to see them. Keep yourself busy and take good care of yourself. It's easy to slip into depression and it definitely shows. Instead, remind your spouse just how attractive you are and that it's well worth the wait to see you. Exercise, buy a new outfit, try a new hair color or style, anything that will help you feel good about yourself. Try to avoid putting to much pressure on yourself or take on more than you can handle. Keeping busy is one thing but don't spread yourself so thin that you don't even have time to brush your teeth. If you have the time to volunteer to bake 150 cupcakes for the school bake sale then by all means do it, but if you know there's no chance you'll get it done without staying up until 4am baking, JUST SAY NO! Keep in touch with friends and family, the desire to isolate yourself may be overwhelming at times. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, or just so sad that you do not feel like going out. Being around other people boosts morale and makes you feel good about yourself and life in general so it's important to stay social during this time, even though you may not feel like going to the movies with your sister, GO you'll be glad you did! Only you know the best ways to nurture yourself. What do you love? What makes you smile and feel relaxed and good? Make a list of your favorite things and keep in a place that's always visible. When you are feeling especially blue, treat yourself with an item from the list. Let family and friends pamper you.

In Conclusion

Marriage separation is just plain hard, but you can get through it. When you take the time to reflect and work out the different problems that caused the marriage to come to this point - you can effectively work to fix those problems. By following the tips in this article and putting your faith and trust in God it is possible to rebuild your marriage.So if your spouse is talking about separation don't fight them on it, just let them go if they want to go.Time apart is not your enemy; it's your friend.What they say today won't be the same thing they say tomorrow. My husband's feelings change almost weekly. Getting through those changes is the hard part; but you will get through them. Give the one you love time and space; I cannot stress this enough.