Surviving Suicide

Suicide is something no one should ever have to face. However, with the economy in the state that it is today and many people losing their life savings, the United States is seeing a rise in the number of suicides. For the family members who are left behind emotions exist in a whirlpool ranging from sadness, loss and loneliness to anger, confusion and guilt. As the survivor of not one but two family members who committed suicide within a month of each other, I hope I can offer some insight in dealing with those conflicting emotions.

Five years ago my youngest sibling, my brother, took his own life. My father found him in the backyard where he had hung himself. Distraught doesn't begin to describe how we all felt. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that not only was my brother gone, but he had taken his own life and left us filled with questions.

I spent many days and nights in tears. I also spent many days angry at him for leaving us so abruptly. I was angry that he didn't give us a chance to say goodbye; angry that our last words were an argument - nothing serious, but an argument nonetheless.

I spent countless hours listening to other family members question and try to figure out why. I tried to rationalize his decision. He had been sick for most of his life; his wife had left him yet again; he was tired and I knew he was tired. No amount of rationalizing made me feel any better.

Three weeks after laying my brother to rest my elderly uncle shot himself. He had been depressed for a long time and was also very sick. One of the last things he said was that my brother was "brave" for making his own decision to die. Two days after saying that my grandmother found him dead of a gunshot wound.

Again, the tears, the anger, and the questions. Again, no answers. More people left to wonder and question, more people left in limbo.

When suicide first occurs the natural reaction is to hide what has happened. We instinctively think people are going to judge us by their actions. We hold our heads down in shame and try not to tell people how our loved one died. Along with shame comes the guilt. We wonder what we could have done to stop them. Why didn't we see the signs? Did we overlook something?

For me, after the first year or so, I came to a point that I accepted that my brother decided he didn't want to hurt anymore. He had been to every specialist there was available and his marriage was a shamble that truthfully was not worth saving, it caused him more harm than it did good.

I stopped thinking of him as a coward. Now, even though I do get angry at him for leaving us, I have found a peace that he made his own decision. It's not easy to always remember that, certain songs will make me cry and think about him, or I'll dream he's home and wake up sad.

For those who have to deal with suicide, time is the only healer. You won't get the answers you are so desperately seeking. You have to come to peace with not only yourself but with the person who committed suicide. You have to forgive them for leaving you.

Suicide is not a pleasant situation to deal with. It is probably one of the most difficult life events you will ever deal with. It does get easier with time but it will never completely go away.