Surviving Valentine's Day After a Break-up

How do you survive Valentine's Day after a recent break-up? For many years I thought the ladies on the 1990s television show "Friends" had the right idea when they got together and made a wastebasket bonfire from the photos of their ex-boyfriends in order to ease the pain of being dateless on Valentine's Day. I'll admit that I was probably influenced by the fact that I received notice of the court date for finalizing my divorce on Valentine's Day back in 1993.

Fortunately, however, I've mellowed with age and have been happily remarried for nearly 5 years now. In what I like to think of as a delicious ironic twist, my current husband proposed to me on Valentine's Day 2003, exactly ten years from the day I received the court documents which signaled the impending end of my six year marriage to Husband #1. But what of all the February 14ths in between? How did I manage to survive them?

Right after my divorce I received lots of pieces of advice, some good, others, well, not so much. But my favorite and most valuable piece of advice came from a co-worker who herself had been disastrously divorced and then happily remarried some years later, again in another ironic foreshadowing of what would eventually become my own fate. She told me, "Divorce is hard so be sure to give yourself time to grieve and mourn. But after you're done with the grieving, let it go. You can't rush it and you can't let anyone try to tell you how long is too long. Only you know that. Always listen to your heart."

Good advice, but how exactly does one "grieve and mourn?" When I was eight years old a man from our church died and we noticed that his wife (now widow) wore a black dress to church every Sunday after that. My older sister asked our grandmother, "Nana, how long does a lady have to wear black when her husband dies?" Amazingly, Nana rattled off a whole litany of mourning "rules" that we had no idea even existed. "She must wear black for a month." "She can't go out with other men socially for at least a year." Now, this was over 35 years ago and thankfully, I think the rules on mourning have relaxed a bit. And even though a breakup represents the "death" of the relationship in a way, I can't imagine that wearing black and being forbidden to go out with other men would be helpful in coping with the challenges of Valentine's Day after a breakup.

I think a better model would be in how my sisters and I responded just five years after that conversation when Nana herself passed on. We mourned by spending time with Papa, Nana's husband and our step-grandfather and our mother remembering all the fun times that we shared as a family. Taking the time to remember more pleasant romantic times could be a similar approach after the end of a relationship.

If the break-up is very recent, very bitter or both, it may be difficult to come up with fond memories to cheer yourself through a Valentine's Day on your own. But one strategy I found helpful in these types of situations was remembering the good times from other earlier relationships. With more time and distance separating me from the feelings of hurt that ended those previous relationships the memories of those long ago loves were very comforting. I found the "love notes" that my high school boyfriend had scribbled on lined notebook paper in study hall and slipped into my locker to be incredibly sweet. Looking at the photos from a college Christmas Dance that I attended with a total "hottie" from another school that I met over Thanksgiving break and impulsively invited to the dance helped to cheer me up in ways that trying to reminisce about my ending marriage could not.

If a solitary trip down memory lane has no appeal then I think the next best strategy is to be kind to yourself. Breakups can often leave us feeling beaten down or tossed aside. When you were a kid and someone hurt your feelings didn't it help when you came home and told your mom and she made your favorite snack or read you a story? I think those same principles can still apply. Right after my divorce, money was a bit tight so I would comfort myself with inexpensive indulgences like relaxing bubble baths with fancy soaps and lotions, or cooking my favorite meal and not sharing with anyone!

Later, as my financial situation improved I embarked on a quest to become my own "best boyfriend" on Valentine's Day whether I was involved in a relationship or not. I took myself out to dinner, to movies I wanted to see and bought myself jewelry. One year, after a particularly bad breakup I even booked a cruise to Bermuda and had a glorious time flirting with the handsome cruise ship waiters and lying in the sun.

For people who are far more social in nature I once read about a creative solution for beating the "Valentine's Day Blues." You contact all your best girlfriends and invite them to a Valentine's Day party. However, the catch is that each one has to bring at least one unattached, "nice guy" friend, co-worker or relative. It's a kind of "boyfriend potluck."

Everyone gets to meet some new people and while you may not necessarily make a love connection, having a house full of your best girl friends, a new supply of nice, interesting and hopefully cute guys and good food, drink and music on a cold evening in February when you might otherwise be alone can't be all bad.

Finally, doing something nice for someone else can do wonders for your outlook if you are feeling lonely on a day designed to celebrate love and romance. Volunteer to help with a Valentine's Day party at a senior center, homeless shelter or hospital. Loneliness is probably one of the biggest obstacles that the people in those types of facilities face and often the smallest human kindness can make a tremendous difference. I knew a man whose mother was in a nursing home and while he visited her regularly he was saddened by the number of residents who never received any visitors at all. One Valentine's Day he talked to the nursing home staff and got the names of the residents who rarely, if ever, received visitors or mail. He sent them all anonymous "secret admirer" Valentine's Day cards and had a ball just watching the sparkle that it brought to the eyes of those residents as they tried to guess who had noticed them and taken the time to write.

Valentine's Day after a break-up doesn't have to be a dreary and forlorn experience. Be creative and show kindness and gentleness to yourself and those around you. Philosopher and publisher Elbert Hubbard perhaps expressed it best when he wrote, "Love grows by giving. The love we give away is the only love we keep."