Surviving WAHM Guilt

Sometimes mothering seems like a roller coaster ride of guilt. We feel guilty if we have drugs during labor. We feel guilty if we don't breastfeed. We feel guilty if we don't breastfeed "long enough". We feel guilty if we have to go back to work outside of the home. Finally, we feel guilty if we have to work inside of our homes.

When I first started working from home, I thought it was the perfect solution. "I'm not leaving the house. I'm working at home so I am always available to my children," I kidded myself. I never dreamed of the guilt that would arise even as I endeavored to help our family make a living while being a full-time stay at home mom.

My children never seemed to have a problem playing independently before I started working from home. They would routinely spend a half hour at a time playing without my having to intervene or entertain. I thought this was a sure sign that working from home would be a painless process while providing many benefits to my family. However, it seemed that as soon as I sat down at my computer to start working, they were immediately trying to get my attention. All of a sudden they would bring books, ask for drinks or snacks, and even try to crawl up my legs or take my hand to lead me away from my desk. The result? Immediate, sharp, painful guilt. Wasn't the point of being a stay-at-home-mom to be constantly available to love, nurture and respond to my children? If we didn't positively need the money to survive, was it selfish of me that I wanted to pursue a personal ambition with a desire for financial gain? The questions kept coming, and I kept feeling the weight of guilt pressing down on my shoulders.

The answer came to me suddenly in a conversation with one of my friends, who also happens to be a WAHM. I asked myself, "What did women do to balance their children and home situations in previous generations?" Many would argue, "Well, women always just stayed home. They didn't work." But they did work! Women on the prairie spent all day feeding animals, washing clothes by hand, baking yeast breads, sewing and mending-you name it. They did this not for financial gain, but in order to provide the things necessary and beneficial for their families. WAHMs are doing the same thing, but in a 21st Century version. We have washing machines, bread makers, and outlet stores. We no longer have to spend hours and hours on these daily tasks. We can, however, spend these hours working from home to give our children the same benefits that the children on the prairie had: Accessibility to mom. Historically, women have not taken their entire day to attend to every desire their children have. Our purpose is not to be a human jungle gym, full-time playmate or entertainer. We provide quality, structured activities to engage our children. We must not feel guilty for taking a couple of hours a day to do the "prairie work" of a few generations ago.

WAHMs give themselves personally to their children. They stay home so that they are available and utterly involved in every aspect of their child's lives. As long as we are not sitting our children in front of a television or video game to provide time for our work, there should be no guilt involved. I find it helpful to start out the day with mommy and child play time. We take from forty-five minutes to an hour of uninterrupted interaction. Then, my children know that mom is "going to work" for a little while. I work for about a half hour, then go about normal household tasks. I take another "work time" in the early afternoon, and then during nap time. My goal is to spend no more than an hour or two during my children's wake time on work.

Though this balance isn't for everyone, I have found it has gone far in helping me to cope with my WAHM guilt.