Swine Flu Redux

If you've been watching our enlightened American news media's continuing coverage of the Swine Flu outbreak you probably think, and with some justification, that the human race is on the verge of the biggest mass extinction since the dinosaurs went down the tubes about 70 million years ago. As usual, the media is out to increase their ratings at the expense of things like facts and journalistic integrity.

In order to help you understand some of what's going on with this supposed catastrophe-looking-foe-a-place-to-happen, here are a few facts about the Swine Flu.

1) What is Swine Flu anyway?

Swine Flu is (surprise surprise) just what it says: it's a virus that causes influenza in pigs. Yep, the infected pig gets a runny nose, blood shot eyes, and doesn't feel like doing much of anything except lie around. The first two symptoms are, of course, diagnostic since pigs aren't exactly famous for being all that energetic to begin with.

The Swine Flu virus, like any other virus, is not very stable from a genetic standpoint. This means that it mutates (changes) itself constantly and, on those very rare occasions when it finds itself inside near a human host (place for it to grow), it sometimes changes just enough to "make a jump" from pigs to humans. If you pause to think about the number of people in the world that live and work close to large herds of pigs, you can get an idea of how infrequently such mutations happen.

2) What are epidemics and pandemics?

An "epidemic" is when a "new" disease "breaks out" into a given population over a definite period of time. Epidemics are also usually confined to a specific geographic region.

On the other hand, for a disease to be classified as a pandemic it must meet four criteria:

a) the disease must be new to a given population;

b) there must be an identifiable agent (e.g. virus or germ )that infects humans, causing a serious illness;

c) the new disease must not occur in the absence of the agent, and

d) the agent must spread easily from human to human

Try to think of a pandemic as an epidemic with a bad attitude.

3) Is this the same virus that caused the Great Pandemic of 1918?

No. And it wasn't produced by the CIA and released by the Republican Party either (even though I predict that such tripe will be the next rumor that people will be stupid enough to believe). This isn't a dress rehearsal for The Omega Man or The Stand either.

4) Is there a vaccine that protects against the Swine Flu?

No, thank God! The last time there was a panic about the Swine Flu the US government produced a vaccine that killed more people than the disease that it was supposed to prevent. Your federal government thus created a cure for which there was no known disease.

5) What is your government doing about the Swine Flu crisis?

Your government is hard at work doing what governments do best: holding press conferences, staging "photo ops," and generally try to look like it's doing something. For once, in spite of its dismal record in the crisis department, the government may be doing the right thing.

6) How can I avoid getting Swine Flu?

Aside from the obvious (don't kiss a pig, or anyone else, that has a runny nose and/or bloodshot eyes) the best way to avoid Swine Flu is to make use of the outdated public health strategy formerly known as common sense.

a) Wash your hands frequently (in medical circles, this is known as the Pontius Pilate maneuver);

b) Don't let people sneeze on you;

c) Give up beer and wine while increasing your consumption of Screwdrivers (the vodka will kill practically any germ or virus known to medical science and the orange juice is a great source of vitamin C);

d) If you just venture into public while you have symptoms of the flu, wear a coarse woolen robe and ring a bell while you shout "unclean" at the top of your lungs. This will help you avoid standing in line at places such as your local health clinic and grocery store. As an alternative strategy, announce your presence by yelling "Bring out your dead."

And, perhaps most importantly,

e) Ignore the advice of the network talking heads.