Swine Flu: What is it and Where Did it Come From?

Unless you've been on another planet or living in Kentucky (same thing) the past few weeks, you have no doubt heard about the latest thing that will likely wipe out the human race. That, of course, is the music of Lady Gaga. Luckily, the Swine Flu outbreak has helped take everyone's minds off of our impending doom. Ones of tens of people across the world have been diagnosed with this deadly disease and it is feared the numbers will grow to as high as twos of twenties!

"What can we do about it?" you ask. Education, of course! And that is where I come in. As a former member of the janitorial crew at the CDC (Center for Disease Control) I know a thing or two about mopping floors and cleaning urinals and toilets. Scientists may be really smart, but they are also goddamn slobs who piss all over the floor! I also know about digging through waste baskets and finding classified information that probably should have gone through the paper shredder. For instance, did you know that only two of five doctors recommend Tylenol® for a headache? The other three recommend a night of hard liquor and sex with a stripper named Tiffany.

Anyway, I have decided to use the vast amount of knowledge I have accumulated over the years at the CDC to compile a list of questions along with answers that may or may not be related to Swine Flu. This handy Q & A should answer any questions you may have about what is likely to be the deadliest disease to hit the world since the Bird Flu epidemic a couple years ago that killed a shitload of birds and countless humans (estimates are as high as five or six). So read up and learn. It may save your life!

Caution: Wash thoroughly after reading.

Why is it called Swine Flu?

In order to differentiate between the various strains of influenza that have wreaked havoc on humanity over the years-and to make deadly diseases more fun for kids-the CDC decided to name them alphabetically after various animals. This practice began in 1964 with the Ass Flu, which is more commonly known by its medical name of "severe diarrhea."

What are the symptoms?

Swine Flu has many known symptoms and several unknown symptoms, including: excessive weight gain, snorting, squealing, public urination, public defecation, kinked tail, an unusually high attraction to mud, and an intense fear of Easter celebrations.

How is Swine Flu spread?

Swine Flu is spread by not washing your hands and not coughing into your shirt sleeves and then putting your fingers into the mouth of a person who has washed his or her hands and coughed into his or her shirt sleeves. Just use this simple mnemonic to remember how to help stop the spread of this deadly virus: TSFISBNWYHANCIYSSATPYFITMOAPWHWHOHHACIHOHSS

How can I avoid being infected with Swine Flu?

Don't let anyone put his or her fingers in your mouth unless he or she has washed his or her hands and coughed into his or her shirt sleeves.

What if I am wearing a short-sleeved shirt?

The CDC highly recommends only wearing long-sleeved shirts until the virus has passed. If, however, that is not possible, cough into the sleeve of the nearest person. If that person is not wearing a long-sleeved shirt, cough into the crook of his arm and offer to drive his ass to the nearest hospital.

Can I get Swine Flu from eating pork?

Only if the pig did not wash his hands or cough into his shirt sleeves.

What should I do if I think I have contracted Swine Flu?

Keep your filthy hands to yourself!

I've heard this flu referred to as H1N1. What the heck does that mean?

H1N1 is scientific code from the CDC meaning "scientific code from the CDC meaning Swine Flu." It comes from a complicated formula devised by some of the most brilliant scientists in the world who randomly selected two Scrabble® tiles and rolled a pair of dice-it was Scrabble® and Yahtzee® night at the lab. Swine Flu could just as easily have been called "Z1J6" or "D2F3."

Are there medicines to treat Swine Flu?

Yes. The CDC recommends a morphine drip to ease the pain during the final miserable hours of your life.