Take This Advice And...Again

America's premiere advice column, Dear Abby is written by the infallible "Abigail Van Buren", who in real life is known as Jeanne Phillips. But you really should get the full story.

It all started back in 1955, when Jeanne's mother, Pauline Phillips founded the column. Pauline, who had no prior experience in the psychological field or any sort of medical degree for that matter, handled telling people how to behave exclusively until 1987 when Jeanne's duties were expanded.

In 2003 it was revealed that Pauline had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and had also not really written anything for the column in several years. It had been all Jeanne, all the time. Like Pauline, Jeanne did not have time for extensive training in the fields of psychiatry and psychology, since she had begun assisting her mother with the column when she was only fourteen years old. That's right, some people had been getting marriage advice from a fourteen year old.

So that got me thinking, what training exactly does it take to write an advice column? And for that matter, does anyone ever question the advice that the advice givers dish out? Is it simply taken at face value because it's printed in a "news"paper? Why couldn't I be an advice giver? I've made a thousand bad decisions in my life. Surely I could stop others from repeating my mistakes. And most importantly, how could I make money off this?

I immediately started reading Dear Abby and I learned a lot, mostly from the "people" who were writing in to her. Jerry Springer, you're a hack. Abby's been doing this for fifty years!

The people who write in and ask Dear Abby for advice seem mildly retarded at best, dangerously uneducated at worst. Others seem to be caught in a bizarre time warp that makes one wonder if Dear Abby isn't just recycling letters she received back in 1959. Sometimes though, you get a gem and the letter's author comes off a little too unstable to have been allowed to have anything to in their cell, like for example, a pencil to write in to Dear Abby.

One thing is always assured, no matter who is writing - Abby's advice will either be too vague to help at all, she will be too busy preaching about morality to offer any advice, or she will go to her old standby and suggest that the author seek therapy. There are times when Abby's answer is simply the address of a therapist and a hearty "good luck." That is always Abby's trump card - the age old pass the buck technique of "Wow, why did you waste your time writing me when you really need to seek professional help?"

I figured some of the best advice ever given was "seek a second opinion", so that's what I set out to do, offer the people who wrote in to Abby a different perspective from an individual who also has had absolutely no training. So, for your enjoyment, I offer you three Abby letters, Abby's advice, and for the sake of comedy, what I think Abby really should have said.

EXHIBIT A

DEAR ABBY: Every time I ask my friend, "Sally," if she wants to hang out, she says she has something else to do. A few weeks ago, she said she had to go out. About an hour later, while walking around the block, I noticed her car was there. I knocked on the door. Sally said she was getting ready to leave and besides she was on the phone. Does it take an hour to get ready to go out? I don't think so. Sally and I have been friends since we were 4. I don't want to lose an old friend, but I'm not sure she really is a friend anymore. If she is, why does she keep ditching me? Should I consider her a friend? - DITCHED IN NEW YORK

DEAR DITCHED: Consider her a friend, but a distant one. Not all friendships last forever. People change as they grow. Take the hint. Don't be a pest. Let her call you.

JACK'S TAKE - Here Abby failed to recognize what had apparently already turned into a deadly stalking situation. Ditched in New York is no longer bordering on paranoid, but rather enthusiastically contacting the paranoid board of elections to establish residence. Ditched has also obviously become delusional as in reference to the statement, "Does it take an hour to get ready to go out? I don't think so." If Sally is like any other normal Earth woman, taking only an hour to get ready for an evening out (while also talking on the phone) sets new international speed records.

Abby once again doesn't offer the advice of therapy when it is clearly needed. If ever anyone needed to immediately seek the counsel of a therapist, it is Ditched In New York. Instead, Abby offers a series of short sentences that read more that a telegram than anything else. "Not all friendships last forever, STOP, People change as they grow, STOP Let her call you, STOP", etc, etc. Unfortunately, Abby doesn't include a few things Ditched should have been told in her answer, like "Get over yourself" or "Stay away from sharp pointy things".

What really is disturbing here is the fact that Ditched doesn't seem to think that their actions are in any way abnormal, and is actually angry at Sally for wanting to stay as far away from them and their psychotic, unstable behavior as possible.

The nerve of Sally! That bitch! She did the same thing to me!

Anyway. Abby's advice of having Ditched still consider Sally a friend, just a distant one is rather irresponsible, since it will most likely lead to Ditched building a shrine to Sally in her attic, and a series of petty vandalisms while Ditched tries to procure a lock of Sally's hair. Look for the rest of this story to finally be resolved on a very special Lifetime Original Movie sometime soon.

EXHIBIT B

DEAR ABBY: I'm 14 years old. A lot of times when I am feeling really happy and I'm talking to friends on the Internet, all of a sudden I feel a wave of sadness. And I remember bad things, like when my best friend died when I was little. But then I'll feel happy again. I don't know why this happens all the time. What do you think? - BUMMED OR NOT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BUMMED OR NOT: Mood swings can be hormonal, especially at your age. However, since you were concerned enough to write to me, your next step should be to discuss the mood swings with your parents so they can schedule an appointment for a medical evaluation. There is probably nothing to worry about, but you should hear it from your doctor.

JACK'S TAKE - This is just what kids always like to hear, "There is probably nothing to worry about… but you must consult a physician immediately". It's always sage to tell teenagers, especially depressed ones, that they're probably not normal. It's exactly what their fragile self-esteem needs to hear.

I agree with Abby's diagnosis that Bummed or Not In Illinois is experiencing mood swings, but they may also be suffering from a severe case of being a melodramatic fourteen-year-old, who just bought their first Cure album.

Abby all but dismisses Bummed and then passes the buck to the parents. Here is an example where Abby may have missed an important clue - the fact that Bummed may have a problem discussing these mood swings with their parents, or else they wouldn't have written in to Dear Freakin' Abby about it first!

It may also just be a cry for attention. Gee, from a teenager? Ya think? See, most depressed teenagers scribble bad poetry into secret journals, or cut themselves in hidden places with razors. Few act out by writing a letter that will be published for all to see in several thousand newspapers.

A fourteen year old is also going to consider themselves to be quite adult in their own self view, so when Bummed talks about the death of their best friend when they were "little", I wonder exactly how little they were; five years old, six maybe? And maybe the reason why they suddenly feel sad while chatting on the internet, is because the internet is a black hole succubus and their "friends" are probably actually masquerading forty year old men with even more severe problems.

My advice? Bummed, you're perfectly normal, but when you feel sad, try to surround yourself with the things that make you feel happy, and you'll be fine. Also, you may not want to buy a second Cure album anytime soon.

EXHIBIT C

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Lyle," and I have a 14-month-old child together. My two children from an earlier relationship and Lyle's son make up our family of six. Lyle and I make good money and we both collect child support from previous partners. What bothers me is Lyle won't let me see his paychecks or combine our joint incomes in any way. I've asked if we could pool our money. On a monthly basis, I earn more than he does, so I don't understand his reluctance. I'm not a compulsive shopper. I've never told him to give me the money. We even set up a joint checking account for tax purposes, but he refuses to put money into it. Abby, I feel like I'm just a roommate who shares expenses. We split the bills down to the last penny, and he shops for "his" children separately. He won't even agree to put our insurance policies together, and we're with the same company! His answer is, "I've always done it this way." Am I wrong? I always thought married couples shared things. I'm at my breaking point. Please help. - FEELING LIKE A ROOMMATE, NOT A WIFE

DEAR FEELING LIKE A ROOMMATE: Nothing can be resolved until you and Lyle are able to communicate honestly. Marriage counseling could help to bring out the issues that need to be addressed. You feel "like a roommate" because you are being treated like one. Having been through one divorce, your husband may be afraid to commingle his assets with yours. (In other words, he may feel insecure about the durability of your marriage.) Since law is not my area of expertise, you would be wise to consult an attorney about how your husband's behavior could affect your future.

JACK'S TAKE - Marriage counseling and then talk to a lawyer? That's exactly what the guy, who mind you, has been trying his damnedest to keep all his money away from his wife, wants to hear. "Honey, we need to go to counseling so you can get over this problem I have with you and oh by the way, I've met with a lawyer".

Now, I'm not totally defending the husband, but you have to look at this from both sides. Abby's whole take on the husband's fear of a "commingle" (is that even a word) of assests is kind of thrown out the window with the husband's claim of "I've always done it this way." Not knowing if the husband is a pathological liar, I have to assume he is telling the truth, which means that in his first marriage - they kept their money seperate.

This couple probably does need to go to counseling, but they need to approach it from a completely different way. This money issue isn't what they need counseling over at all. Just because she doesn't like the way he handles his money, doesn't mean he shouldn't handle his money that way. The two of them need to open up their communication with each other - equally.

The husband does seem to have a issues with control. But can you blame him? Perhaps he feels like she controls every aspect of their life - and his job and the money he makes from it are the only way he can retain some evidence of himself. Perhaps he feels like he has already lost a part of his children, and buying things for them on his own, with his resources, apart from her, is the only way to keep them from slipping further away from him.

Or maybe he's hiding a secret family in Miami. I don't know.

Regardless, Roommate Not A Wife needs to talk to her husband in an enviroment where he won't feel like she is making demands or asking him to change. Compromise is when both parties agree to meet in the middle, meaning both parties sacrifice for the other. I'd try that before taking Abby's horrible of advice of consulting a lawyer.