Take This Advice And... Part 3

America's premiere advice column, Dear Abby is written by the infallible "Abigail Van Buren", who in real life is known as Jeanne Phillips. But you really should get the full story.

It all started back in 1955, when Jeanne's mother, Pauline Phillips founded the column. Pauline, who had no prior experience in the psychological field or any sort of medical degree for that matter, handled telling people how to behave exclusively until 1987 when Jeanne's duties were expanded.

In 2003 it was revealed that Pauline had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and had also not really written anything for the column in several years. It had been all Jeanne, all the time. Like Pauline, Jeanne did not have time for extensive training in the fields of psychiatry and psychology, since she had begun assisting her mother with the column when she was only fourteen years old. That's right, some people had been getting marriage advice from a fourteen year old.

So that got me thinking, what training exactly does it take to write an advice column? And for that matter, does anyone ever question the advice that the advice givers dish out? Is it simply taken at face value because it's printed in a "news"paper? Why couldn't I be an advice giver? I've made a thousand bad decisions in my life. Surely I could stop others from repeating my mistakes. And most importantly, how could I make money off this?

I immediately started reading Dear Abby and I learned a lot, mostly from the "people" who were writing in to her. Jerry Springer, you're a hack. Abby's been doing this for fifty years!

The people who write in and ask Dear Abby for advice seem mildly retarded at best, dangerously uneducated at worst. Others seem to be caught in a bizarre time warp that makes one wonder if Dear Abby isn't just recycling letters she received back in 1959. Sometimes though, you get a gem and the letter's author comes off a little too unstable to have been allowed to have anything to in their cell, like for example, a pencil to write in to Dear Abby.

One thing is always assured, no matter who is writing - Abby's advice will either be too vague to help at all, she will be too busy preaching about morality to offer any advice, or she will go to her old standby and suggest that the author seek therapy. There are times when Abby's answer is simply the address of a therapist and a hearty "good luck." That is always Abby's trump card - the age old pass the buck technique of "Wow, why did you waste your time writing me when you really need to seek professional help?"

I figured some of the best advice ever given was "seek a second opinion", so that's what I set out to do, offer the people who wrote in to Abby a different perspective from an individual who also has had absolutely no training. So, for your enjoyment, I offer you three Abby letters, Abby's advice, and for the sake of comedy, what I think Abby really should have said.

EXHIBIT A

DEAR ABBY: I have two friends who divorced during the past year and now share custody of their children. During a recent argument, they began fighting over who gets to keep the church and the minister. So, Dear Abby, who does get custody of the minister? This is a new one on me. - THE MINISTER IN QUESTION

DEAR MINISTER: Do not allow yourself to be drawn into something so petty. Both parties should be able to attend your church if they wish; there is usually more than one service on Sunday and separate sections in which to sit if they should happen to show up at the same time.

JACK'S TAKE - Abby is embarking into very dangerous territory here. Precedent shows us that religious disputes aren't always the easiest things to solve. And I am begining to wonder if only the Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland, the Jews and Muslims in the Middle East, or Oasis and Blur had only thought to ask Abby to intervene long ago, maybe we'd have a lot less problems in the world today.

This case however goes a little deeper than that. This is a tragic example of why the laws concerning the separation of Church and State here in the good old U.S. of A can really bite you in the ass. It seems there has been a huge oversight somewhere as our divorce laws adequately divide all material goods and even the children that a marriage produces, but not the religion. Abby, not being well versed in Constitutional law, can only offer Minister this advice - have the bitter ex-spouses attend different services, or if all else fails, maybe don't have them sit in the same pew together anymore. But face facts, if Israel doesn't want to relinquish the Gaza Strip, do you really think old Fran is going to want to give up going to the same10:30 a.m. service that she has always gone to for the past 12 years?

It may seem petty, but this is Holy War!

Abby begins by chiding Minister for being "drawn into something so petty", but I have to wonder why Abby is so upset at a Minister for actually being involved with the spiritual matters of their community? I mean Minister can't really help but be involved in the squabble, since two angry, bitter people are using them as a pawn in some post-marital pissing contest. I think Minster should be commended for not abandoning their flock to the divorce lawyer wolves.

That being said, my advice would be for Minister to just excommunicate one of these crazies and be done with the whole messy ordeal. Sadly, sometimes a Shepard has to let the sheep that "baa" too much get picked off, or else the whole flock is in danger.

EXHIBIT B

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Todd," and I have been happily married for four years and together for six. We have a daughter (mine from a former marriage) and a beautiful little boy together. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Todd loves both children equally. Despite some tough financial times over the past two years, we are a happy family. Our problem? Todd's mother. She's a negative, bitter woman who insists she "can't possibly" show our daughter the same love she shows our son. She sends affectionate notes to our son, none to our daughter. She shops at discount stores for our daughter and only the best shops for our son. She sent our son a beautiful handmade toy and our daughter a pencil - yes, a pencil! Please understand this isn't about gifts or the amount she spends. It's about the obvious disparity. Even worse, she's always saying that Todd couldn't possibly love our daughter the way he does our son. Need I tell you the damage this has already done to our daughter? We are at our wit's end. Todd is ready to just walk away from his mother. I know we can't change the way she feels, but are we wrong to insist that she not show it so openly to our daughter? Help. Please. - READY TO WALK AWAY

DEAR READY: You are not wrong. What you have described is emotional abuse on the part of your mother-in-law. Her blatant favoritism is heartless, deliberate and harmful to your children's relationship with each other - not to mention damaging your daughter's self-esteem. If she fails to comply, you are also justified in limiting or restricting her contact with them.

JACK'S TAKE - An evil Mother-In-Law, I'm shocked. I'm also surprised that after fielding tens of thousands of letters about Mother-In-Law's who are worse than Satan, that Abby doesn't really give Ready To Walk Away any advice. I would have figured that from sheer experience, Abby would be quite the expert in dealing with In-Law troubles. Instead, Abby pulls out the "I'm basically going to repeat everything you just said, but with bigger words" tactic in her response. Did Ready To Walk Away really need Abby to tell them that their Mother-In-Law is a bitch? I'm pretty sure they're aware of that fact.

And let's be honest, if it really wasn't about the gifts or the amount that the mother-in-law spends on the gifts, they wouldn't have been used them as examples. But maybe I'm selling Abby short here. Maybe Abby didn't give Ready To Walk Away any advice because that isn't what Ready To Walk Away was looking for when they wrote in. After reading the letter again, it's pretty clear that she just wanted to tell the world what a mega-bitch "Todd's" mother is to her daughter.

And I can't blame her. Good mothers defend their children. Better mothers don't involve nearly every newspaper in North America.

EXHIBIT C

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away two years ago and I still have many of her things. I'm afraid that she'll think I don't love her or respect her belongings if I don't keep everything. My question is, do you think she'll understand that I don't have a lot of space in my house? Do you have any ideas about where I could put her things? Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. - WITHOUT MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WITHOUT: Your mother left her things to you because she wanted you to enjoy them. Of course she would understand if you cannot use them all. She didn't intend for them to be a burden but a blessing.

JACK'S TAKE - Picture this... It's another perfect day in the eternal reward that is Heaven. Margaret, who arrived there two years ago, is weeping bitterly. This is a pretty big deal, since it's considerably hard to make someone cry in Paradise. Saint Michael the Archangel notices Margaret and floats down to her. "What's the matter my child?" He asks.

"It's my daughter. I just saw her give away my old dresses to the needy. I understand that those people didn't have anything to wear, but I left those dresses to my daughter specifically. And, the old blender I used to make fruit smoothies in, the one that broke two weeks ago…she just…just…threw it away!"

Now picture Saint Michael slapping her.

Abby was rather nice to Without Mom In Washington, who obviously has many problems, the least of which is having to buy a new house that has a "Dead Mother's Belongings" wing attached. I have to give Abby credit; I would have been less subtle. I would've told Without that her Mom can see her every time she touches herself in the shower, and the only way to make her Mom happy up in Eternal Paradise, mind you, would be to go and rent a special climate controlled storage unit for her old belongings.

Good one Abby.