Take a Much-Needed Vacation

The following is a press release from the Evangelical Media Company:

May 22, 2007 - Citing unprecedented stress and an overwhelming need for rest, the Almighty God, Creator of the Universe, announced at a press conference today his plans to finally take a vacation, leaving Earth in humanity's hands for just a little while.

"With all the fighting and fussing between my boys, cleaning up their messes, and having My authority constantly challenged, I thought it was about time I got away," God said with an exasperated sigh. "I really need some me-time now."

In his nearly 6,000 years of reign over the earth, God has taken a total of only forty days and nights off from his creatorly duties, leaving him with "one too many grays" and a practically non-existent social life. "When you have a universe, you know it's going to be a lot of work, but there's no way to truly prepare yourself for it," God said. "The sheer time and responsibility devoted to being a creator can really catch you off guard."

God told the press and all of humanity that he wants what's best for them but that he needs adequate energy for that to happen. He also believes everyone will appreciate him a lot more once they realize all he does for them. "Look at the rainforests," God said. "You know how much work it's going to be to maintain that thing until I can get the ozone layer fixed?" God then urged the public to see how much they like having to find their own air to breathe.

God's plans for the seven-year vacation include relaxing on the beach, catching up with the latest celebrity gossip via People Weekly, and maybe even getting a pedicure. "I've already bought a bottle of Blueberry Schnopp's and some Tequila Mix," God told reporters. "But that'll be our little secret," he added with a wink.

Public reaction to God's announcement has been mixed. Many of his closer followers and several members of the clergy have expressed concern over the worldwide ramifications of his just up and running off, with barely a goodbye. "What are we going to do without God?" said Rev. Greg Pennyworth, a Tulsa, OK Assembly of God pastor. "When he leaves, it's just going to be chaos. The wars, the floods, and I just know Ishmael's friends are going to come over and start trouble again."

God reassured humanity that, even though he will not participate in their day-to-day activities, he will still check in from time to time just to make sure everything hasn't "gone completely to hell." He is leaving an emergency phone number with the Pope, Rev. Jesse Jackson, and the President of the United States just in case he needs to be reached. He has also mentioned the possibility of allowing his true believers to visit him at his vacation spot and to accompany him upon his return. "One thing's for sure," God cheerfully stated. "Once I get back, I'll be good to go nonstop for another thousand years."

Satan, humanity's sole remaining guardian, expressed joy upon God's announcement, citing plans to "finally cut loose."