Taking Care of Elderly Parents and Raising Children: Balancing Roles

For many of us who were born on the tail-end of the Baby-Boomer Generation, our adult years have been much different from that of preceding generations. For us, syndicated newspaper columnist Sandra Abaya coined a new term: we are known as "the Sandwich Generation"-- those of us who have been in the middle of our aging parents on one side and our children on the other.

As the lifespan of Americans has begun to extend; and, with that fact, that many elderly people prefer, whenever possible, to remain in their own homes, their adult-aged children often take on varying degrees of responsibility in overseeing their daily care and well-being. Meanwhile, we also have the same responsibilities for our own children and homes as generations in the past have always had. Some are more successful at juggling these responsibilities and attaining some degree of balance than others; and there are a number of factors which figure in to how well this situation does-- or does not-- work.

Contrary to what one might conclude, neither personality differences nor financial factors are the most difficult to resolve; for many adult-aged Baby Boomers, the primary factor of concern is the matter of roles-- the role in which we relate to our parents, another to our children, and, what often gets lost in the shuffle, that which we are to ourselves. Unfortunately, it is the third which can present the most difficult problems.

For adults, the natural primary relationship is with one's spouse. While being in the middle of aging parents and children can be the cause of conflicts and stress in the marital relationship, for the Sandwich Generation members who are single there are issues which others may not even be aware of-- or fail to take seriously. Other relatives, outsiders, and sometimes even the parents themselves can develop the misconception that being single means having fewer responsibilities and fewer needs of one's own-- at the extreme, one may even be urged to remain single so that one's time and loyalties are not "divided." While doing the best one can for aging parents is a very good thing, and can be an enriching experience for all involved, for either the parents or their adult-aged children to place it as the Boomers' main focus in life is extremely unhealthy. When other family members get into the picture by assuming the single person should shoulder all the responsibility simply because he or she is single, it can lead to an immense strain between all members of the family.

Being present to participate in the everyday lives and provide assistance to elderly parents is a rewarding experience which previous generations did not usually have; raising one's own children, of course, is one of the greatest "adventures" and accomplishments that a person can possibly have; but the Sandwich Generation who are in this position must take care to not allow our needs for our own personal life to be dismissed-- either by others who do not realize it is such an important issue, or by Boomers themselves who, if caught up in the shuffle, may miss a very significant fact: that at some point elderly parents will pass, and at some point our children do grow up and move into their own lives; and those could be points in time when it's too late to realize that our own needs "should have" taken some priority.