Taking the Step Out of Stepparent

Like many other people, ever since I became a stepparent, I've been under a lot of pressure to do the right things. Knowing exactly what the right things are doesn't come naturally. What can I say? What can I do? When am I crossing the line? As with anything else, practice makes perfect.

It all began about two years ago. I met the love of my life. The love of my life had another love of his life of a different kind: a 12 year old daughter. Wow! I had never dated anyone with children before. The only thing remotely close to children in my life were two cats. And they were toddlers at that. Not on the verge of being teens! Was I nervous? Definitely. Now, risking my heart for one person, if I became involved in the bigger picture, I would be risking my heart for TWO people! Oh my...little did I know how involved I could and would become!

My stepdaughter and I, to say the least, hit it off right away. Being only about 12 years apart in age, we were more sisterly than anything else. We could identify with each other well. However, she was terrifyingly more adult than I was at 12 years of age. When I was 12, I was still playing with dolls and thinking that boys were annoying and gross. My stepdaughter, on the other hand, looked at least three years older than she was, had abandoned her dolls for makeup a long while ago and looked forward to seeing boys at rock concerts and anywhere else that she turned heads! As I became accustomed to her, and she to me, we became confidants. I wanted her to think of me as a cool older sister, one who had been there, done that, and could give her great advice on anything!

As I became more secure in the relationship with my hubby, I had taken on the role of the "advisor". When my stepdaughter did something wrong, I did not correct her, but I advised my hubby on how to hand out the punishment. I became the know-it-all parent who had never had any children of her own. When I thought he was being too lenient on her, I would tell him that he was only asking for trouble. He would say to me, "Why don't you say anything to her? She looks up to you. She'll listen to you!" My answer never waivered, "I am not the parent. YOU are." Yet I found it my job to correct him on correcting her.

When I found out that I was pregnant with my first child, I was ecstatic! The thought of being a parent was a little scary, to say the least, but I was confident that I had enough sense to be a great parent. As my pregnancy went on, I had indulged myself in articles about being a perfect parent. I read about letting children have their tantrums without having one yourself, letting your children make their own decisions and making their own mistakes, and giving them enough space to become independent, confindent adults. Growing up, my parents raised my brother and I without much freedom. They did not take on the "friend" role. They were strictly parents. We did what we were told. We behaved as we were told to behave. We were raised with love, yes, but a lot of fear was involved as well.

My hubby was carefree in his parenting role. He wanted to be a cool dad. He especially wanted to be his daughter's best friend. It was very apparent to me that he tried very hard to make up for the time that he doesn't get to spend with her. The custody agreement was so that she only spent time with him every other weekend, due to distance reasons. She was with him every other week throughout the summer. Essentially, throughout the school year, he saw her two weekends out of every month. Not much time to make up time!

I began to realize his dilemma. He did not want to spend precious time correcting her. He just wanted to spend time with her, make great memories with her. At the same time, I saw that she needed some support, some direction. She needed her father, not just a friend. I thought of my own child. I hadn't even held her yet and I knew that the love I felt for her already was immense! It would be terrible trying to be a parent every other weekend and on the phone.

I eased back on my comments. Soon I found that my hubby came to me for advice when he needed it, and not with a look of dread on his face. We talked more without arguing. We started having family meetings. We started feeling more like a family than just friends hanging out. More importantly, I realized that not only had my hubby been playing the role of friend instead of parent, that I had been doing the same thing, only hiding behind the title of stepparent. Step or not, the parent title was still there.

I am still trying to balance the friend and parent roles out, as is my hubby. The main thing that we try to offer our daughters is love. Realizing that they look to BOTH of us for guidance and support makes being a parent worthwhile. It makes us want to be better people and better partners. And it makes me proud to have two daughters, instead of just one!