Tales from the Wizzarazi: Tabloid Headlines Muggles Didn't See During Harry Potter's Years at Hogwarts

(Real Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and magic terminology are the creation of J.K. Rowling. While I'm just having fun by putting a new spin on it, I in no way intend to steal any of the talented author's ideas, nor am I writing this in a malicious manner).

Disclaimer #1: At the time of writing this article, I have not yet read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." Therefore, I have NOT included any spoilers since I don't know any. If you're worried about it, don't read this until after you've finished the book.

Disclaimer #2: I have not spoken to anybody's publicist or manager and I didn't write any of the articles listed here. I'm simply reporting what my gossiping garden gnomes have told me.

A lot can happen in seven years as we've seen by following Harry Potter and his magical peers through the events surrounding Hogwarts and the impending showdown between "The Boy Who Lived" and Lord Voldemort.

When it comes to good literature, there are many things that don't make the cut. What most Muggles don't know is that there are witches and wizards that enjoy a good tabloid story as much as many non-magic folk. While we read the stories of Paris Hilton and Tom Cruise, wizard and witches are reading stories of their own starlets and big names.

Even many of Hogwarts most famous have made the tabloid front pages. For the first time ever, here are the top ten tabloid headlines that Muggles didn't get to see about their favorite Hogwarts students.

1. Polyjuice Partying! Are Hermione and Paris Headed for Rehab Together? - This headline hit papers after Miss Granger was reported to have snuck into the Muggle world to hang out with her gal pal Paris Hilton. A mid-evening disappearance led the crowd to wonder if the two girls had an addiction to a certain shape shifting potion when the Olsen twins appeared out of nowhere clad in the exact same mini-dresses worn by Hilton and Hermione. Granger's agent denied the events. "Even though she is Muggle raised, she chooses her friends better than that."

2. Weaslys Embroiled in International Adoption Battle - Citing that the family was going for a record, Molly and Arthur Weasly allegedly made a trip overseas to adopt two or three children from one of the poorer areas of the world. While there, they offered free magic lessons and plenty of home cooked food from the kitchen of their own little "mobile" home. Rumors of adoption were quickly squashed, but the couple proudly 'fessed up to helping where they could. Said Molly, "If the world is to unite against the Dark Lord, it needs to be well fed."

3. Shocking Video Revealed! Dolores Umbridge in "Witches Gone Wild" Scandal - Ministry agent and short time professor at Hogwarts, Umbridge was revealed to have a not so squeaky clean past when some lost footage of the popular adult wizard series found its way into the mainstream. Obnoxiously loud and a bit drunk on some spiked butterbeer, Umbridge shows a more wild and less clothed version of the woman that many Hogwarts students have come to disdain. When confronted by the wizarazzi, Umbridge stated, "I was young! I needed the money!" But the creator of "Witches Gone Wild" says otherwise. "The tape is only two months old."

4. Snugglepuff! Malfoy Caught in Scandalous Embrace - Much to the shame of his Slytherin friends, Draco Malfoy was snapped snogging a female Hufflepuff student in the corridors of Hogwarts. Rumors of a relationship were strengthened by several other Hufflepuff students, even when Malfoy claimed that he and the girl were "just friends." Though the truth was never officially confirmed, Draco was many times mistaken for Moaning Myrtle two weeks later when the nameless girl was seen holding hands with someone from her own house.

5. Hogsmeade Bar Brawl: Is It the End for Harry and Ron? - What should have been a fun night on the town turned violent when an argument between Potter and Weasly erupted into a chair throwing, table breaking brawl...and not one of the magic kind either. Though more skilled in wand wielding than fist throwing, both boys came out with several bruises and a few stitches. Though spectators were sure that this was the end of the friendship, both maintain that everything is fine. "That was during my 'emotional' phase," says Harry with a laugh. After only two days, the boys were once again on speaking terms.

6. Severus Snape Makes the Top of the "Fashionally Challenged" List - The bi-polar professor was awarded the honor of being the worst victim of Fashion in the wizarding world two years in a row. Though he claimed not to care, students noticed a little sparkle to his normally black attire only a day after the headlines came out. One commented, "Professor Snape looks like he had a run in with that old Muggle invention...that Bedazzler thingie." Strangely enough, the Fashion Police said that it was not the dark robes Snape wore on the grounds of Hogwarts that got him the award. It was the green flower print shirt and orange boxers he was reported to have been wearing on vacation.

7. Quidditch Cup in Question: Slytherins Tested for Steroids - In what could have been the biggest sports scandal to hit the magic world, allegations of illegal drug use against the house of Slytherin led to a full team suspension for two weeks. Students were tested and questioned, rooms searched, and tapes reviewed. In the end, the accusations were found to be groundless. "We're quite insulted," commented Malfoy's sidekicks, otherwise known as Crabbe & Goyle. "We'd never use drugs to win a Quidditch match. We'd much rather cheat with magic."

8. Muggle Supermodel Reveals All: "Longbottom Broke My Heart" - It was the year of "geek wizard chic" as not only did Neville Longbottom find himself named "Man of the Year," he also faced more than a few broken hearted starlets. One even came so far as to speak publicly about their relationship. Unfortunately for most gossip mongers, it wasn't quite as juicy as they were hoping. After the initial shock of Neville being considered "sexy," phrases like "He was the best I ever had" and "I'll never love anyone like I loved Neville" weren't exciting enough to hold much interest. It did get Neville some more dates though. When asked where he found all his time for romance, Neville said only, "Internet. One of the most magic creations of all time."

9. Voldemort's Soft Spot: The Dark Lord Opens Up About Life, Love, and Killing Harry Potter - It was a risky move for the reporter, but this story made it big in the magic world when it first appeared on tabloid covers. An interview done via satellite revealed several unknown facts about Voldemort, including his love of fine wines and the two point five million dollar snake house he had built for his well loved pet. Though he denied a romance, he said there was a special woman that he'd like to get to know better once he took over the world. When asked about his plans to kill Potter, he simply shrugged. "I'm sure he's a nice kid and all, but let's face it. I need something that will make me stand out in the history books."

10. Luna Lovegood Arrested for Drug Possession - No one was shocked when the Ministry of Magic took Lovegood in under suspicion of regularly smoking one or more illegal substances, most of which were reported to grow in her father's backyard. They were surprised, however, when she was released after no conclusive evidence was found to convict her. "No one wanted to see the poor girl land in Azkaban, really," commented Hermione Granger. "But seriously, she's got to be on something."