Talking to Your Child About Death

Death is part of life. Death is hard on the living. Thinking that children should be sheltered from death is not always correct. Depending on the age and maturity of your child, openness is the best policy. Children need to be told about death prior to a loved one or family member dieing. It is important that you wrap yourself around your own thoughts and feelings about death prior to discussing it with your child: no subject is good to discuss if you are not 100% sure how you feel when you begin to explain it.

Like any other communication, there needs to be a two way discussion. Children need to feel secure that they can ask questions and you will answer to the best of your ability. If you are at all worried about an answer you might give, it might be in your best interest to ask the child what he/she thinks the answer is first. Sometimes your child will surprise you and give what they think, in their words, correctly... This takes a great deal of pressure off you. Even if the answer is not exactly correct, you at least have an idea of where his/her thought process is.

Children need to know that death will happen. Most children are aware of death long before we even realize. They see death in animals alongside the road or bugs that they find on the deck. With that in mind, it will give you a starting point to explain death on a broader range. Children need to be told that it can happen not only to wild animals or bugs but can also happen to the very old, the very young and the middle age. Death comes in all forms and can happen at any time. Children need to understand that it is not their fault, and there is nothing that they can do to stop it or change it. Most children get angry and feel a great amount of guilt over a death. They need to understand that it happens and it is as much a part of life as eating, drinking and sleeping.

In times past, people died at home: surrounded by family and loved ones. Presently, people tend to die in nursing homes or hospital. Granted they are getting better care and live longer but the dieing process goes on without our youth seeing the steps. As a general society we tend to stay away from things that make us uncomfortable and death makes many people extremely uncomfortable. It is important that children understand that discussing subjects that are awkward and painful is okay and accepted.

When beginning to explain death to a child it is important to pick words that will not have other meanings. By saying that Uncle John is "sleeping" might cause a child to not want to go to bed for fear of not waking up again. Using a term like "went away" might have an effect on a child if a friend has moved and "went away". There are so many words that sound harsh but have no bearing on their normal every day lives and therefore will not cause undo concern on top of what they are already trying to grasp.

As always, anticipation of an event is important. Timing is crucial; don't wait until something happens to begin to explain death. Facts help for a mature child but don't overwhelm them with to many details; a child can not process a great deal of information all at once. Once the groundwork is laid, wait for the child to ask questions or let things settle and then always revisit the subject so that you know for sure that your child understands enough to get them through the grief. Lastly, let your son/daughter see people grieving so that they know that is it okay to be emotional and explain that people handle grief differently and what you believe might not always be what someone else does.