Talking to Your Child About Sex

There is no need to be so fearful. Follow these general guidelines, and you will see just how easy the talk can be. The number one rule is... start early! To help with this, Janice Crouse created the Sex Pyramid, which is a great tool to use when starting the talk. It has five elements. Parents should use the pyramid in everyday situations. The bottom stage of the pyramid is values. This refers to either Christian values or otherwise. These are the values that, as a parent, you want to pass down to your children. Most parents teach values on a day-to-day basis anyway, so it's a good start. Without values, the second stage cannot develop, which is relationships.

The relationship stage is not difficult. It can be taught in such a way that the child makes the decision. For example, you and your twelve-year-old daughter go to a movie and there is a scene in it where a single date turns into a one-night-stand. You can use this as a powerful conversation starter. First, ask your daughter what she thought about that particular scene. Discuss how a good and trusting relationship, built on a strong foundation, can't possibly start with a one-night-stand. Explain that meaningless sex can't possibly fulfill a person's desire for love.

The third stage is emotions. Parents need to teach their children how to separate their emotions from their judgment. Children need to be able to tell the difference between real feelings and quick impulses so they don't make a rash decision like having sex with somebody they hardly know. They should first build that relationship with trust and respect.

The fourth stage is consequences. As your child gets a little older, you'll want to discuss the possible consequences a daughter, or son, can have if they have sex. They need to understand that if they choose to have sex before marriage, especially as a teenager, there is a high chance that she, or he, can become a parent. Most teenagers believe their relationship will last forever and nothing can happen to them. The impact a parent has on their child is very important, thus as a responsible and trustworthy adult, you should set the standard of expectancy at a higher level and more than likely, your child will strive to meet it.

The last stage should be the least talked about, mainly because it is the easiest. It's the actual sex talk. By the time you discuss this, your child should feel comfortable coming to you. By using the pyramid system, you will have established a good relationship between you and your child. They will feel it is important and vital to come to you with questions.

Advocates for Youth

Another resource to use is the Advocates for Youth website. It features many articles and links regarding parent education in the sexuality field. The main thing to remember, according to the website, is that if parents talk to their child and explain their values, the child is more likely to "develop positive, healthy attitudes about themselves. This is also true when the subject is sex". Research shows that positive communication between parent and child can lead to healthy decisions on the child's part.

When your child comes to you asking questions like "what's a penis?" and "where do babies come from?" you will want to be prepared. Here are some tips, directly from the website:

• Usually, small children began by asking names of their sex organs - often after a round of self discovery. So tell them. Use [the correct terms] of each body part. If you are matter-of-fact about it, they won't think they are doing something wrong by asking.

• Manners and social norms are often step #2 conversations. (As in, we don't touch other people's bodies, we don't grab our penises in public) even if some Major League Ball players seemed to have skipped this lesson. The next conversation usually involves "appropriateness." As in, good touching, bad touching, listening to "uh oh" feelings, privacy rights, and what to do in case of abuse issues. If you are looking for words to use, you can find numerous online resources to supplement any anxiety you may have in this department. It's an important topic and if your children don't bring up questions by age 5 or 6, you need to start the dialogue.

• Tweens (9-12 year olds) may be physically developing earlier than we did way back in the dinosaur age; therefore, I recommend having "your body is going to change and this is what you can expect" conversations somewhere around 9 or 10 years old. Yes, schools teach basic anatomy and physiology but we should be ahead of the curve as parents. It's our job to impart our values and create a safety net. Couch the conversation with "I'm here for you in case you have any questions. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, it's all part of growing up."

• Teens/young Adults. No matter what your current values, no matter how much you may want to hide your children in their rooms and never let the hormone dripping monsters out until late adulthood, we must accept that our teens will have sexual feelings. Always have and always will. And, as much as our children may want to respect our wishes of abstinence or delaying serious dating, the statistics of sexually active teens indicate that well over half are sexually active by 12th grade. Do the math and don't kid yourself, your son and daughter most likely will not be completely chaste upon high school graduation.