Talking with Friends: What Marathon Conversations with Friends Can Do for Us

The most valuable discussions I have had with friends (particularly when I was young) were those discussions that took hours and hours and that seemed to cover every aspect of life. Although I had several friends, each of these discussions usually took place when only two friends would be together. (I had one particular friend who would ask to be dropped off at her house when the other two of us would "get too deep", so these "life discussions" and "soul-searching sessions" were not for her.

One person would offer all her thoughts on one subject. The other would add hers. The two would then mull over together, and at length, all the pro's, con's, and revelations of the whole conversation. These discussions matured as we did. When we were little girls our discussions would involve fantasy. When we got a little older the fantasy was reigned in enough toward reality to include much talk about what our baby dolls or Barbie's would be doing that day. As young teenagers, we'd share information we had about menstruation, fashion, or school goings-on. During high-school we discussed relationships, issues, and our individual philosophies of life.

Once we were young, working, women we'd discuss careers and jobs, finances, and dreams. Later when we became young married mothers we'd discuss children, childcare philosophies, and issues such as being married, having a mortgage, finances, politics, and getting back into pre-baby shape. As child got older there were conversations about issues our children had and how we dealt with them. We'd discuss feelings about having teenagers and worrying about them. The subject-matter of our maturing conversations was always a matter of adding to previous topics rather than replacing them, and these conversations helped each participant to really crystallize ideas that may have been previously less well defined. Through all the years of all these discussions with one friend or another there was also always lots of laughter too.

These marathon conversations over coffee helped each party feel understood. There was an intimacy to it, and there was that feeling of having another girl or woman who really knew exactly what we meant or thought about a certain issue. Having someone be honest about having a different opinion was refreshing, and having the other share our opinion created one of those "clicking" moments where both people felt very unified for a moment. Having such moments helps build friendships, but it also helps people know they're not isolated no matter what they're going through.

Not long ago I had one of these marathon conversations with a friend I've known since we were four years old. We're so much older now. There was talking about kids graduation from college, houses, and divorce. There was talking about the difficult time that led up to the loss of our mothers, and there was - as there always has been - the occasional reference to something that went on when we were six or seven or thirteen. We've known each other for so long we know each other's cousins, neighbors, inlaws, and medical history. The most recent conversation I had with this friend came after a time of my not really doing much socializing because of some loss in my life. It wasn't until I talked to this person who had known me since I was such a little girl and until I realized how I once again finally felt like "the old me" that I realized that when life has left us feeling as if we've been swept up in a tornado and dumped in some foreign place talking with an old friend can make us realize we are, in fact, still in Kansas.

(Author's Note: Dottie, Judy, Margie, and Linda, I'm thinking of you. Celina, I wish I had gotten to say "good-bye". Nancy, I will always miss you most of all.)