Talking to Kids About Death

Last week I visited with my two granddaughters and the conversation had centered on my own childhood. I mentioned something my mother and I had done together. The 10-year-old had only been a year old when my mother died, and the 7-year-old had not even been born.

The 7-year-old piped up and said, "Oh, is she passed on?"

I was a little startled since the subject of death had never been mentioned before in our grandma-granddaughter talks. I didn't want to give her a lot of details her parents might not want her to hear quite yet so I decided to let her lead the way. "Yes, she did," I replied. "A long time ago, before you were even born."

She nodded her head and seemed satisfied with my answer, but then said, "Will you pass on, too, Grandma. Hmm. This was getting a little more difficult. "Yes," I answered. "All of us die."

"When will you pass on, Grandma?" the little one said, as though she were merely asking, "What time will we have lunch, Grandma?"

The ten-year-old was either embarrassed by her sister's questions, or she took pity on me, and said, "Not until she's really, really old. Now she's just sort of old."

The conversation didn't last a lot longer, although we did consider that age wasn't the only thing that might lead to one's demise. Riding out in front of a car on a bicycle without looking could likely bring about an early death. Of course they both assured me that there was no danger of that happening to them since they "always" looked both ways before entering the street.

Actually, it was nearly time for lunch, and I decided this conversation had gone on long enough, at least until I had a chance to consult with their mother, which I did later that day. She, who is my daughter as well as being their mother, thought it was hilarious, especially the part about me being sort of old, but she also told me that she didn't know where the little one could have heard the phrase, "passed on." They hadn't talked about death beyond a couple of dead goldfish incidents, and no one close to the girls had died.

Well, however the subject comes up, children do need to learn about death at some point, and it is better for them if you introduce it slowly over a period of time rather than having them shocked into learning about it when someone close to them dies.

The dead goldfish I mentioned earlier can become good opportunities to teach your children about death. When your child asks questions about death, seemingly out of the blue like my granddaughter did, answer them honestly, but don't overload them with details.

If someone close to your child is expected to die soon, prepare them ahead of time. I know a man who decided not to let his family know that he had brain cancer and was only expected to live 3-6 months. He lived quite a distance away and kept in touch by e-mail. Imagine their shock when the man's fiancé notified his parents that their only son had passed away---a son that had seemed in perfect health when they had seen him a few months earlier.

The idea of talking to young children about death can be intimidating, but it is something that needs to be done. You may be surprised to find that they already know more about the subject than you think they do and that they are much more comfortable discussing it than you are.