Talking to Your Kids About Your Divorce

Even if you have been divorced for many years, your children will still have questions about your divorce. Do not think that one 'divorce talk' when you first get divorced will be enough.

As your children grow, they will ask questions and go through the grief process again. Younger kids may not remember a time when their mother and father were together. Emphasize that a family does not have to include a mom and dad living in the same household. Reassure them of your love and of the other parent's love. Small children often become fearful that you will leave them, too. Be sure to tell them that you won't abandon them. Try to avoid scenarios like being late to pick them up from school or an event which might cause them to panic thinking that you are permanently gone away.

School age kids often feel different from other kids because of their family structure. Empathize with them about the differences between their family and other families they may know. These kids will still need your reassurance that you will be there for them and that you love them. When they ask about your divorce, provide a short, honest explanation without casting the other parent in a bad light. For example, you might say that you and their other parent decided that living apart would be best instead of elaborating about the other parent's affair.

Teenagers are going to be trying out various relationships themselves. They may want to know more details about the divorce. Answer their questions as truthfully as possible without badmouthing the other parent. Just state facts such as you did not love each other anymore, there were financial troubles, etc. Do not provide commentary about the rotten other parent that left you for another partner; telling them that the other parent found someone else to love is enough. You can definitely talk about how choices they make can have widespread consequences such as choosing the 'wrong' mate for you. Talk with your teens about what makes good relationships and traits to look for in potential friends or romantic relationships. Discuss how to treat their dates with respect and role-play various scenarios that they may encounter. Kids from divorced families may not have had the opportunity to see healthy adult relationships and not know how to act in their own relationships.

Keep the lines of communication open with your kids including answering questions they may have about your divorce and remember that integrating the divorce into your children's world will be a lifelong process for them.