Talking with Your Parents About Aging and Death

A few years ago a friend's elderly father died. While that was tragic enough, what compounded the tragedy was the uncertainty that followed. The man had always handled the family finances and had spoken little with his wife about what kind of financial condition the couple was in. All he ever told his wife was, "We'll be okay, honey. Don't worry." She, for whatever reason, had never asked him what they had or where it was.

While in this case it turned out well, that doesn't always happen. This man had kept excellent files and records. All those little cards and papers he had brought home and had his wife sign over the years were to set up bank and brokerage accounts in joint names, and although he had failed to file the copies of statements for the past few months, they were in envelopes in the front of his file drawer. Along with them was a notebook that listed accounts that had been opened over the past 20 years, with opening dates and initial deposits, year end balances and closing dates indicating where the funds were moved to and how much was moved. In the back of the book were also details about both his and her retirement plans, social security, life insurance policy numbers and a little envelope was taped to the cover that had the safe deposit box key where original financial and legal documents were found.

Since her mother had never handled the household finances, it was up to my friend to help her mother understand that money was not going to be a problem for the rest of her life as long as she lived the way she always had. She pointed out to her mother that there was even enough money to fly more frequently to visit her children or to go on a cruise with her lady friends from time to time.

Over the ensuing months, my friend taught her mother how to write checks and use an ATM. When her mother was really frustrated by trying to balance check books and pay bills, my friend was able to have her mom set aside bank statements and bills for my friend to deal with when she would come to visit at least once a month from her home a four hour drive away. All the accounts were set up on line so that my friend could transfer funds from savings to checking and pay her mom's bills on line when they were due.

Since now my friend had taken over the "adult" role in her mother's life, conversations about terminal medical care, death and distributions to heirs showed that what my friend's father had set up as the couple's final wishes were not at all what her mother really wanted. After many months, a visit was made to the lawyer to set up a living trust, pour over will, living will, power of attorney and other needed documents for my friend to be able to handle her mother's affairs now, in the future and both with and after her death according to what her mother wants. Both mother and daughter are pleased that this is "taken care of" and my friend's siblings are pleased about the situation as well because they were brought into the conversation to hear what their mother herself wanted to do-which was very different than what their dad had set up.

If your parents are in their 60s or 70s, it is time for you or one of your siblings to have the conversation with your parents about whether they have the documents in place to handle their final illnesses, deaths and estates. The conversation needs also to revolve around the alternatives for the survivor when one or the other dies. It needs to include their thinking about what they would find to be an acceptable quality of life to keep fighting to save them. For some folks this may be keeping them breathing as long as possible, with or without artificial assistance. For some folks this may be issuing "do not resuscitate" orders just to prolong life. It all is based with the individual and their philosophy and beliefs, so accept that they may feel very differently than you do or even that the wishes of your two parents may be very different from each other.

Timing and knowing your parents are critical to having a good conversation about this. When I had my own conversation with my parents, my father pulled out a copy of their wills and documents and showed them to me. They were identical boiler plate documents with only the names changed and were mostly irrelevant to their situation as they had had no partnerships or businesses to be liquidated or minor children to be dealt with at the time they were written. Their Power of Attorneys named their children by birth order even though the oldest was on the other side of the country, communicated with them every few months and came to see them every few years. Their Living Wills proclaimed that no heroic measures were to be taken to keep them alive although my mother had always felt that where there is life there is hope and had been horrified when nutrition was withheld from a terminal, comatose friend. My father felt the documents were all fine, even though the choices made little sense to me.

We looked at their overall financial picture and at my father's calculations of how they would pay for assisted living care or nursing home care. I never determined whether he just anticipated there would be no expense for him for assisted living because my mother would care for him, but his numbers showed assisted living only for her with him continuing to live in the home. I was young at the time and didn't have the courage to point out that if she was in assisted living, he would probably need to be there as well because he was so dependent on her to cook, clean and do laundry. But what my father was trying to tell me was that he had figured it all out and it would work.

It was only after my father's death that there was that "teachable moment" we look for in our children but which all of us have from time to time. There had been a conversation about my mom's balky stove that she wanted to get a repairman to come look at if I couldn't fix. I made a number of phone calls and finally found the part for $65. When I mentioned the price to her, I commented that perhaps it was time to just get a new stove because hers was 18 years old and was pretty much worn out. In the conversation that ensued she poured out that she hated her kitchen because it had too little work space, she didn't like the appliances, the cabinets, the flooring, the faucet etc. In fact there was very little she liked about her kitchen except her pots and pans and utensils, but it was what my father had thought would be affordable and work. She didn't want to buy a new stove because she said, "I won't be around long enough to get full use of it."

This was an excellent open door to ask if she felt she couldn't afford a new stove. She felt she could manage it, but it was her overall financial future she was worried about. This led to several hours of going over her current financial situation and her worries about costs for assisted living or nursing home care. She had friends in assisted living places that were much nicer than the ones dad had priced into his projections and wanted to make sure she saved enough money she wouldn't have to go to "those dumps".

I made a quick call to one of the assisted living facilities she had liked when visiting her friends and was given prices for both their assisted living area and their nursing care areas. They were reluctant to give the information over the phone, but when I mentioned we were working on a budget and my mother had visited friends in the facility who were happy there, they gave me the information. With those numbers in hand, we were able to see that assisted living was feasible, even if she started that day and needed care for 20 years. But her real hope was to be able to stay in her home. With a few calls I was able to get prices for a once-a-week housekeeper to help with those chores and an aide on a daily basis. Mom was horrified by the cost, but when I pointed out that it was still cheaper than assisted living, she began to realize that it was a feasible option that would cause less disruption to her life than moving to assisted living some time in the future.

That afternoon marked a change in my mother's attitude toward her home and her life. It made her more interested in getting her home set up the way she wanted it, not the way that dad had decided they should do it. It helped her get past the hurt that dad had "abandoned her" by dying. It made a new beginning for her as an independent person.

The next day we went and found her a new range and while we were at the store she looked at all the other appliances, cabinetry, fixtures and flooring they had. The range arrived and was installed the next day, but we spent about a month visiting and revisiting stores for materials and discussing alternatives and features. Finally we sat down with the salesman at the local home center and he drew up plans for her new kitchen based on her materials selections. While her sticker shock was huge, it nevertheless was within the budget we had determined she could afford for a new kitchen. With some adjustments to materials, arrangements were made for her kitchen that day and two months later it was all installed. Of course there was anxiety on her part about whether she could afford it and whether it would be an improvement over what she had, etc. But what she got was a kitchen she felt really good about, at least in part because it was hers and all hers. Her choices would not have been mine, but then it is allowing differences that allows us each to be a whole person.

Once the door had been opened to discuss finances and we had passed through it together successfully with the kitchen project, it was much easier to have mom identify and deal with the other compromises that had been willingly made for harmony in the marriage but were no longer necessary. I found that she really wanted her remains cremated without organ donation, while her legal documents prepared while dad was alive reflected his wishes for organ donation and burial. I found that she really wanted to be kept alive as long as possible if she didn't outlive her money. And when we went to an attorney to get her legal documents updated I heard for the first time that she wanted her daughters to inherit all personal property and real estate while money would be divided equally between her children because she felt her son, "Has always received favored treatment from us to help him get on in life and he has been given opportunities the girls were discriminated against even earning."

Mom lived another twelve years. Only in the final five years of her life was assistance needed at least from time to time to keep her in her home. When my sister took early retirement and moved in with mom to "keep track" of her and assist her, it worked fairly well for both. I persuaded mom to amend her documents to name my sister as her executor, her primary Power of Attorney holder and to be heir to the family home. Several other adjustments were made at the same time to add small bequests to grandchildren. My mom died peacefully in her sleep one night, so the issues of keeping her alive were never raised in a family that otherwise is of the opinion that when a reasonable quality of life is gone there is no point in continuing existence. We never would have known that she thought differently if I hadn't been able to get her to talk about what she really felt and believed.

Talk to your parents. Look for that time that is right. Few of us want to talk about our death or what will happen then or leading up to that eventuality. Try to talk with them separately and together. Listen to those phrases like "Your father thinks we should . . ." because they can clue you in that it is not necessarily what your mother wants. Most parents won't want to be pushed hard about what they plan, but are likely to share with you what they plan if you approach them right. Be a good listener. Ask if they have considered this or that. Lead them into a discussion of alternatives without being a salesman. The decisions must ultimately be theirs, but let them know that you understand and respect their decisions if you think they can work for them, even when it is not a decision you would necessarily choose for them or for yourself.