Talking to Your Parents About an Embarrassing or Sensitive Topic

You've put it off as long as you can, but you know it's time your parents moved into an assisted living facility. Knowing it and talking to them about it, however, are two entirely different things. They're both so very independent. But you know it has to be done. Just today when you stopped by on your way home from work, Mom had forgotten and left a pot on the stove. Both she and Dad were asleep in the family room when you let yourself in the back door. Smoke was just beginning to fill the kitchen. And later when you checked the smoke alarms, the batteries had been taken out of them. You replaced the batteries, aired out the kitchen, then fixed their dinner. They slept the whole time. When you woke them up to eat dinner, they were surprised to find you there. You left finally, after cleaning the kitchen and setting the coffee pot to fix their morning coffee. You got Mom to promise she wouldn't touch the stove after telling her about the pot. She couldn't remember turning the stove on.

You arrive at your own home after seven. Thankfully, your husband fixed dinner and waited for you to get home to eat with you. You tell him about the pot and the batteries being out of the smoke alarm. Sighing, he says, "Honey, I know you don't want to do it, but you have to talk to them. It's too dangerous for them to continue to live on their own. You agree it's time, and after dinner, you call your only sibling, a brother, who lives three states away. He's sympathetic, but leaves it up to you. "After all, sis, you're there and I'm not. If you think they shouldn't be alone, then just tell them." But you know it isn't that simple. How do you tell your parents that you want them to leave the home they've lived in for over fifty years to move into a facility where someone can keep an eye on them regularly? It won't be easy, but for their own safety, it has to be done. So here are a few tips to help you talk to your parents about this sensitive issue.

Start out by letting your parents know that you are concerned for their safety. Use a sensible approach and try to appeal to their practical side. State the benefits of living in an assisted living facility. Do your research on some nearby facilities and know their services. Many provide meals, laundry, and transit to doctors or for shopping while still allowing the persons to live in their own apartment.

Don't be critical. Don't dwell on the problems they are facing. Instead, focus on the good points of living in an assisted living facility. You'll only make them resentful and defensive if you criticize them.

Above all, don't be disrespectful. Remember, these are your parents you are talking to. They raised you and took care of you. They deserve your love and respect. Make sure you treat them that way.

Lead up to the idea of them moving into an assisted living facility. Suggest going to visit a nearby facility and seeing first hand, what it is like to live there. Never demand that your parents do something. Don't make it an ultimatum. They may be old, but they can still be stubborn.

Offer alternatives to going to the assisted living facility. Maybe a live in maid would do the job. Maybe a day caretaker to stay with them while you are working and possibly at night. There are options. There are other ways to address the problem. The main thing is to acknowledge that there is a problem and then work on the solutions.

Don't lose your temper. Be patient and explain anything your parents don't understand about an assisted living facility. Get brocheres and information and leave them for your parents to read.

Address any fears they may have as to their independence and freedom. Many older people feel they are going into a prison when they enter an assisted living facility. Remember, it may be you someday facing these exact same issues.

Last, if they flat out refuse to move to an assisted living facility, then don't give up. But in the meantime talk to them about hiring someone to stay with them during the day. Since they will be sleeping at night, they should be okay. Stress how important their safety is to you and your family. Let them know you won't be abandaning them. You'll still be dropping by constantly. They only difference is you won't worry as much about them when you aren't with them.