Talking to People Who Are Dying

I have been a pastor for several decades now, but I have never learned an easy way to talk to someone about death, especially someone who has not reached the older age where people expect to die. Years ago, I was visiting one of my church members in the hospital when I noticed that a friend (let's call her Angela)-who attended a different church-was also there. We had not seen each other in years, although we had once belonged to the same interdenominational study group. When I saw her in her hospital room, I was stunned into silence. She told me she had a fatal case of cancer. Her physical appearance had changed drastically from the last time I had seen her. Not being able to think of anything to say, I mumbled something about having to leave, and took off as quickly as I could.

The next day, I pulled myself together and stopped in again. After apologizing for how I had acted on the previous day, I began to talk to Angela about her condition. During the next few weeks, before her death, we talked about her feelings, especially her fears (which concerned her children). I do not recall what assurances I gave her. I remember just talking with her.

What advice would I give to someone now who faces the challenge of a relationship with someone facing death? Here are several suggestions.

Be careful about too much talking. There are times when words are more of an intrusion than a help. Talking to someone who is dying can be one of those times. It is a principle of ministry that people will not remember what you said (in a time of crisis, for example), but they will remember that you were there. That is helpful to keep in mind for the pastor or layperson who has trouble speaking about death.

When you do talk, be careful that you do not promise too much. In an effort to be "helpful" or "encouraging," too many people think they have to say something like, "It's all going to be all right," or "God loves you, so you don't have to worry about a thing." While those statements may be true in an ultimate sense-"All things work together for good," says Romans 8:28 and, if we truly believe and trust God, we do not have to worry about anything-they can seem to be pie-in-the-sky statements to the mother of young children or to the father who wonders what will happen to his family when he is no longer around to support them.

When you pray, be careful how you talk about your prayers and their results; the answer you have in mind may notbe the answer God has in mind. About 20 years ago, while I was a pastor in Iowa, an older woman in the congregation I served was hospitalized in a very serious condition. The youth leader of the congregation took some of the young people to the hospital and prayed for her. The following Sunday, he announced in church that the woman had been healed. I knew she was still in the hospital and I went to visit her. There was a sign posted on her door that no one was supposed to visit her. I talked to one of the nurses and found out that the youth leader had almost "forced" the woman from the church to say that she felt better. The experience had left the woman exhausted. A few days later she died, and the youth leader had the job of explaining to the young people why she had died. He had prayed for physical healing in this life. God, as people say, "took her home to heaven." [Here's a little warning: be careful whom you pray for! Early in my ministry, I stopped at the hospital to visit the husband of one my church members. He was not very sick, but had to be hospitalized for some tests and rest. As I concluded my visit, I asked if I could pray for him. I don't remember what he said, but I prayed and left. I found out later that he thought that I was praying for him because I thought he was in imminent danger of dying! When he did die years later, another minister in town had the service.]

Remember that for the believer, God's total healing may not be in this world, but in heaven. In our desire for a loved one to recover completely from some disease and remain with us for many more years, we forget that, from the biblical viewpoint, we are all flawed people who will not be perfect until we reach heaven. If our prayers for healing for someone seemed to have failed because the person died, we may be looking at the situation from our viewpoint and our hopes rather than from God's viewpoint and God's plans. As I write this, there are people in the church I attend who are suffering from cancer and are at the point of deciding whether or not further treatment is really the best option. I would not deny them the hope of healing, but I would also talk to them within the context of a hope beyond this life. Revelation 21:4 describes heaven as a place where there will be "no more death or mourning or crying or pain." It is only because we do not have a real experience of what heaven will be like that makes us cling to life in this world.

That leads to another aspect of talking to people about death: There is a time to affirm the person's desire to die. A friend recently told me that she is going to have a medical test to see what is happening in her body (she has cancer) and then talk with the doctor about possible treatments. If the treatments do not look promising, she is about ready to stop all treatments and let the Lord determine when she will die. I do not recommend telling someone that he or she should simply stop the suffering and go ahead and die, but when the person brings up the subject, I am willing to talk about it. If the person believes in an afterlife, there is always the promise that physical death will not be the end of life. If the person does not believe that life continues after death, there is still the point for some people where life does not seem worth the effort to preserve it. I'm not advocating suicide, but rather the ending of extraordinary methods to extend life. When treatments prolong the pain at the same time they prolong life, the patient needs to decide if a few more months of life is worth it. It may be worth mentioning at this point that I have noticed over the years that, in the case of some diseases, the suffering effectively moves people from the desperate clinging to life to the point where they are ready to accept death.

Talking about death may also be a time for discussing the relationship of God to the suffering people experience. In his little book, The Problem of Pain (See reference information below), C. S. Lewis talks about the problem of pain being a combination of (1) experiencing pain and suffering in this world at the same as (2) believing in a good God (page 24). Let me say that anyone who can thoroughly understand and explain the relationship of God to a particular person's suffering is probably relying more on speculation than on solid evidence. Given that, there are a couple of ideas that help me. First, there is biblical evidence for the principle that God allows suffering to refine us and deepen our spiritual lives. The book of Job in the Old Testament is one example. Romans 5:1-5 and I Peter 1:3-9 are two New Testament passages on the subject. James 1:2 goes to the heart of the difficulty with the words, "Consider it pure joy...whenever you face trials of many kind." As my wife often says, we humans have too shallow a view of what is "good" and what is "bad." The truth is that the things we call "bad" are often the things that do us the most good. I remember reading a comment by a pastor who said he could not understand why people wanted prayers to get them out of difficult situations, because those situations seemed to be doing them a great deal of good.

The bottom line in talking with people about death is the matter of faith. How do we know if something "bad" is really "good?" We don't. If we believe in God and believe that God is good and that God loves us, "hanging in there" on the basis of faith in God is the bedrock foundation of our relationship with God regardless of what is happening. That sounds like a cheap answer, but in the context of the Christian faith it is of paramount importance. There is so much we cannot see; faith allows us to "see" beyond what we cannot see.

Source:
C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (New York: Macmillan Publishing, 1962)