Talking with at Risk Youth: A Survival Guide

It was about five years ago that I took on the job of being a counselor at a camp for at risk youth. This was an amazing place where many different types of kids with many different struggles came to just try and have fun for three weeks. At the time I was still in school getting my degree in social work and I knew I was in for an intense nine weeks. Still, I felt confident because I had read all the right books and I had the personal experience of being a teen that had had my own great struggles.

There were over a hundred of us there that first day when the kids came. All of us had a week of training and most of us were going to school to do exactly what the camp's mission was. We knew all about the different issues the kids might be facing or disorders they might have. We were pumped and when the kids came out we were filled with enthusiasm. We gathered up the five or six kids that we would be in charge of that session and helped them to our cabin. Then we got them there and I looked around at the teens that would be the main focus of my life for the next three weeks. I realized that there was a problem; I didn't know where to start. I was not sure how to get to know these kids.

Many programs that teach you how to work with teens leave out an important skill set. It's so simple that you would not imagine that one would need to cover it, but then when your surrounded by six strangers who you have to try to make a connection with it hits you. I am not sure how to even talk with these kids. I am ten years older and I have lived a very different life. How am I going to relate? In the end for me I mostly just improvised that first session. I made a lot of mistakes but learned a lot too.

No matter what your field, if you are working with teens and kids, you need to be able to talk to them. It doesn't matter if it's at summer camp, the classroom or the counselor's office. Most times you need to make a connection as quickly as possible because then everything else will fall into place. I won't be so bold to say that it is the most important factor when providing care for youth but it is one of the keys. So I thought I would share some of the lessons I have learned.

Be Yourself: Often adults make the mistake of thinking they have to be this cool, hip version of themselves to be able to talk to kids. That is not true. The truth is that most children are smarter than we give them credit for and can tell when you trying to be something you are not. You do not want to make a first impression that is anything but genuine because if a child senses you are fake they most likely will not open up to you.

Do not stress out if you do not like rap music or you don't watch The Hills. Children and teens know plenty of people who are into those things they don't need you to be. Focus on your strengths. When it is your turn to talk about you, talk about your interest with a passion that is infectious. Most kids will warm up to you better because you will seem like a real person, not just another adult. Also your interest might provide an opportunity for a conversation and if you can keep a kid talking your headed in the right direction.

Let them talk, and really listen: Almost anybody likes to talk about himself or herself from time to time. Kids and teenagers are no different. Some might be shy at first but if you continue to be warm and friendly with time they will open up. It's important that when they do start talking you let them. A lot of kids grow up surrounded by adults who don't want to listen to them or don't think they matter. If you honestly sit down and listen to a kid talk you will create a link between you and the child. You are establishing that your relationship is going to be one focused on their needs and interest. That is an important lesson for the child or teen to learn before they can open up to you.

Find an interest and ask questions: Every kid has a hobby or something they are interested in. Some might try to convince you otherwise at first, this is just a wall they are putting up to keep themselves safe. Sooner or later their interest will come up. Maybe it's a sport like football, or art or a certain cartoon show, either way every kid that I have worked with has at least one thing they have a passion for and like to talk about.

Once you find that thing, no matter what it is, ask questions about it. Imagine that you want to become an expert at that interest and need to learn as must as you can. It does not matter if you think the interest is silly and you don't have to pretend that it's your favorite thing in the world. If a child says they are really into Pokemon, don't bluff and say how cool you think Pokemon are. This will not work and most likely cause distrust on the part of the child. It does not matter if you like what the child likes, by expressing an interest in their hobby you are expressing an interest in them.

I once talked for six hours on a bus ride with a kid about soccer and knew nothing of the sport. I just asked a lot of questions and the teen was thrilled to play the role of the expert. Don't be afraid to admit you don't know much about a topic. The honesty will most likely be refreshing for the child or teen and it will give you a reason to keep talking with the kid about what they like.

Stay current: If you make the choice to try to stay up on pop culture, make sure that you are current. With the Internet it is easy to learn what is popular in the moment but also the Internet allows for what is popular to change at a dizzying rate. It is better to sound like a grown up who has no idea what's going on in today's youth culture, than to sound like someone who is trying to be hip but missing the mark because they are quoting some joke that has already become old news. Remember; be yourself.

Be assertive, not aggressive: If you are in any position of authority with the child or teen that you are trying to get to know, the issues of rules will come up pretty quickly. This is especially true with at risk youth whose primary exposure to adults are those that have authority over them and who are trying to enforce boundaries. Most kids and teens like to know where they stand with an adult early on. It is not uncommon for the child to start to push boundaries right away. I had some sessions at camp where kids were breaking rules before we could get them unpacked.

In terms of boundaries two things are very important to establish right away. The first is that once the boundaries are clearly stated you cannot back down from them. If a child knows they can walk all over you, or that your scared of them than it will be very hard to gain their respect. The other important thing to establish is that you are not going to be aggressive. This means you have to stand your ground but not yell. By the time a teenager or child has met you they have most likely dealt with authority figures that were pushovers and some that were bullies. You need to strive for a balance between these two extremes.

Being assertive is the way to find this balance. Clearly define your boundaries with the child and make sure they are aware of the consequences. Do not build in consequences that require you to overpower the child to follow through. When a rule is broken be clear with them and have a firm voice. Do not yell or belittle them. Just talk them about what is going on, ask why they broke the rule and then explain to them what the consequence are. Deep down most children want boundaries but they want them established by someone they trust. They don't want to be screamed at. If you ever loose your cool and end up yelling it is very important that you apologize to the child.

Follow these five tips and you should be fine when trying to establish a relationship. Always remember to treat working with children as a new adventure, don't assume what works for one will work with all of them. In truth these guidelines are just the beginning and as you start to get to know a child you will have to adapt. Above all else just be honest and if you really do care about the child's well-being, the rest will work itself out.