Talking to Someone with Cancer

Talking to someone with cancer is awkward and uncomfortable at best. Recently, when my father was dying with cancer and in hospice care, there were some tips given to our family by the hospice staff for talking with him about his cancer. It seemed once we got past the initial conversation about the cancer, the others that followed came a bit easier. It helps to remember that they don't want to avoid cancer talk. It's like ignoring a huge pink elephant in a room.

Here's a few examples of a conversation format you could use as a basic guide while talking to someone with cancer. I found that knowing some specific wording ahead of time was of great help to me.

How's it Going?

Instead of saying "how are you feeling", switch up the wording a bit by saying, "how's it going"? This type of sentence structure leaves room for them to respond by changing the subject if they're not up to talking about their condition. Once they respond you'll have definite cues on how to proceed and you won't feel so helpless throughout your conversation.

Don't Use "I'm Sorry To Hear"

It's best not to talk about an acquaintance or loved one that "died of the same thing" or other types of cancer horror stories that you've known of. It becomes difficult for the person with cancer to dismiss those thoughts from their mind. Just gently tell them that you'll be thinking of them.

Avoid Saying "Think Positively"

I was told by the hospice nurse that cancer patients feel such a wide array of things at any given time. The best thing you can do for them is to acknowledge that fact as an aspect of their living experience. Telling them to think positively has a minimizing tone to it. You aren't trying to minimize their problems, however the wording tends to sound that way. Saying something like "you must be feeling so many things right now, let me know if you ever feel like your up to talking", would probably be more comforting.

Offer Dinner

Rather than telling them to let you know what you can do, tell them that you'll be bringing dinner by. Often times, they aren't quite sure what you have time for, and may feel that they are being bothersome to you, resulting in avoiding a call to you. If you specifically let them know what you have in mind, they'll likely be more comfortable.