Talking with Your Teenager

As parents, we should always remember that while our teenagers may seem like they are all about their friends, they actually do enjoy spending time with their parents too. Set aside one day a week or every other week that you and your teenager can do something together. It could be going out to dinner, watching a movie at home or even learning something new together that everyone is interested in. Parents should always spend one-on-one time with their teen - even if the teen seems resistant. This one-on-one time is needed to ensure that your teenager knows that the door is always open and that you're always there for them.

As parents, we're also really good about something that we often accuse of children of. We don't listen!!! When your teen talks, really listen. Pay attention to what they're saying and the way they act. To ensure that you understand exactly what they're saying, reword it and repeat it back to them or ask them to put it into simpler terms for you. And remember, it's okay to disagree with your teens - it's going to happen. But disagree with respect. For example, your teen comes in wanting a nose ring. Instead of saying, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" try, "I don't really feel like that's in your best interest right now. Let's see how you feel about it 6 months from now." Your teen will probably put up a fight. It's okay to be angry with your teenager. But, watch your wording, especially when you're angry. Think before you speak and make sure that you're words are put towards actions and not characteristics. For example, try saying, "It upsets me when I find clothes on the floor." instead of "You're a slob."

Let's focus on talking with your teenager when you're angry. Usually, a teen knows what they have done wrong. It only makes things worse and makes them rebel more when you harp on it. Instead of continuing to point out what your teenager has done wrong. Point the discussion towards finding a solution. You need to be willing to compromise as well. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't stick to your guns on some things... because on a lot of things, you should. But don't sweat the small stuff. Negotiate and compromise. Don't be afraid to set rules, and stand your ground on the most important rules to you. Believe it or not, teens actually see parents setting rules and boundaries as a form of caring.

Teens are going to make mistakes. It's a proven fact. Don't believe me? Think back to when you were 17. (Ahh yes I see you remember now.) When your teen messes up, try not to get upset. Instead, talk to them calmly about what they have done wrong. Try to get to the source and make it a learning experience for them. Teens can not learn from mistakes that they haven't made. What I'm trying to say is that teens can not learn from the mistakes that YOU have made - no matter how many times you tell the story and harp on the consequence. Teens have to live their own life, and as parents, it is our job to let them. It is all part of helping them to grow. Let your teen be the person that he or she wants to be, not who you want them to be. The more you pressure your teenager the further you are going to push them away. So, we should all remember to focus only on the most important things and enjoy the few years that you have left with them completely under our control... I mean roof. (That was a joke!)

I've said it before and I'll say it again... Don't sweat the small stuff. By small stuff I mean clothes, hairstyles, loud music, etc. Most teenagers go through a rebellious stage when they will want to express how they feel in actions and not words. On most things - let them. But do keep an eye and an ear open on games, music, movies, etc and the messages that they are expressing. Keep watch of the ratings and talk to your child about anything that you may find disturbing to find out what about it is drawing them to it. Maybe it's just the beat to the song - think about Louie Louie - nobody knew the words but ah, what a catchy tune!

Don't try to be your teens friend. They have friends. They need you to be a parent. It's what you signed up for - stick to it. While you should spend time with them, don't let it cross the line. Don't be afraid to call them out on something that you find inappropiate because you don't want them to get upset with you. And also, don't be afraid to let your teen know that even as a parent you have made some mistakes. They'll only see you as more human.

Keeping an open line of communication is crucial when dealing with teenagers. When they feel they have no where to turn, they should always know that they can turn to you. If you find that sitting down and talking with your child is difficult - try writing them notes, sending them a text message (you know they can't resist reading those), or simply listening to what they have to say.

Sometimes coping with those issues that arrise during the teenage years are almost unbearable. But just remember, you will survive them.