Talking with Teens

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs to do without a pay check and a manual to parent the correct way. Parenting turns out to be a, "guess and check strategy," where success takes time and patience. As your child grows older they develop their own minds and attitudes, where they choose to not communicate with you. When this happens, as it almost always will, a couple key points need to be kept in check. The only thing you can do to create an open line of communication will come from you, the parents, such that it stems from parents and taught to the child. Parents are the number one role models in a child's life such as, "monkey see, monkey do." Listed are a few points to remember for better communication that foster healthy parent-child relationships.

Key Points:

1. Do not be dogmatic. Diplomacy is what works. The trick is in the balance between fairness in punishment with the teen's intention and underlying motives for acting. Authoritative control is a completely wrong course of action and should never be used! Just like how parents use, "guess and check," the only way teenagers learn is also through, "guess and check." Authoritative parenting harms your child in the long run because they will not be able to think for themselves, become helpless, need constant direction and assistance. When you give them no responsibility to live their lives and see the consequences of their actions, you are headed down a long path of self-induced stress and worry.

2. Listen; when in doubt be the last to speak. Communication is a two-way street. If you ask a question, listen to the answer. This is the single most problematic aspect of parenting. Encourage your teen to speak their mind. Parenting is about loosening the reigns of control because teenagers can help themselves. If they are taught to stand up for themselves, to speak about their problems and situations effectively, they solve their own problems.

3. Keep an open mind. There is nothing wrong with being open to ideas. Problems arise when you begin to judge and make assumptions against your child without understanding their point of view.

4. Try to understand their point of view. You will never know exactly what goes on in their life; at best you only hear what they tell you. Put yourself in their shoes and it will clue you into why they acted the way they did.

5. Relate to them, provide examples they would understand. When your teen did something wrong, punishment may be necessary. When you hand out punishment will no explanation or reason, there might as well be no punishment at all. Find something about their situation that reminds you of acting the same way. Teach them the lesson you have learnt from it. They actually do want to hear it.

6. Show, not tell them how to act. If you are sick of screaming fights each night after dinner, you can only blame yourself. There is never a reason to scream in the first place because screaming is the furthest thing from any communication. Next time if you catch yourself screaming, put a stop to it. You will be amazed how much communication will improve if you sit down and talk calmly to your child. If you want change, be the first to insist upon it.

7. Do not say things that you do not mean. Never say you do not care about them. Be the support they need and do not give up on them. In moments of intense anger and aggression, it is easy to say you are done with them and give up. Before that happens take a time-out and cool off. Saying things you do not believe in is immature and unhealthy. For you to give your child the impression that you no longer love them is destructive parenting and takes the child a long time to recover from.