Tall Tale,

When people ask me how tall I am, I make a deal: I'll tell them how tall I am if they'll tell me how much they weigh. You should see the indignation I get! How dare I ask such a personal, impolite question? But wasn't the question asked me equally personal? Is it ever good form to make an issue of one's personal statistics? Has a review of dancer/choreographer Tommy Tune's work ever not mentioned his height?

I don't know why you're so sensitive about it. Being tall is a Good Thing! Really? Why? It certainly constitutes no accomplishment on the part of the tall person, who is but genetics' plaything. It's not such a good thing when you bash your head on a doorframe or have to squeeze into an airplane seat (or any other finite space where long legs are a definite disadvantage). Buying clothes for gangling limbs is no pleasure, either: pants-legs and sleeves tend to shrink once you've cut the tags out. (The only solution to this is to buy shirts with sleeves that reach your knuckles and trousers you trip over. Many a rangy physique has retreated from the too-short pants-legs battle and gone for those peculiar trousers with legs you can zip off should you be seized with the sudden urge to wear shorts and are too lazy--or too far away--to run home and change. But what do you do with the zipped-off legs? Cram them into your pocket, where they'll get all wrinkled? And what if you lose one?)

It's no fun sitting in the theater and having to listen to someone behind you whining "Every time I go to the show I get stuck behind a tall person!" In fact, someone wrote to my local paper the other day complaining about how unfair it was to have to sit behind tall people at public performances, suggesting that tall people be required to sit in the back rows. All I can say is, get your tickets early, pal, or ask the management for a booster seat. At movies, I do tend to sit in the back row (but then I hate going to the movies, what with the high price and the bad smell and the commercials and the trailers and the overamplification and the latecomers holding noisy conversations about where to sit, not to mention the dreary features themselves), but when seats are reserved it's every man for himself.

Look at it this way: a fat person can lose weight, surgically if nothing else works; a thin person can gain weight, one way or another; a short person can wear elevator shoes or high heels, or stand on a chair (there's even growth hormone you might talk your doctor into trying). You can change your eye color, your hair color, and even--if you care enough (e.g. Michael Jackson)--your skin color. (The late Mr. Jackson, in fact, is a testament to the extent to which one can alter one's appearance, given the resources and desire.) In fact, nearly every part of your physical appearance can be changed, with one exception. When you're tall, there's not a damn thing you can do about it, you're stuck with it. You certainly can't stick your finger down your throat in a desperate and unhealthy attempt to lose height.

Once, as a movie extra, I reported to the set of a made-for-television biography of the late Rock Hudson. If it's ever on again, don't bother looking for me. The scene was a gay bar, where Rock was to pick up a young man. It wasn't about to be me because I was two inches taller than the actor playing Hudson (who was 6'6", so proportionately that would have made me close to 7 feet tall!). I don't think I would have been Rock's type, anyway; he was said to like blonds with mustaches.

Tall men, of course, have it easier than tall women, who tend--depending on age and build--either to fall into the Olive Oyl or Big Bertha category. It must be hardest on females when they're very young and have to hear cracks like My, what a big girl you're getting to be! which must seem almost a reproach, a slur on their femininity.

Statistics do tell us that tall people tend to be paid more than shorter people. As well they should be: more is expected of a tall person, and a tall person is judged doubly harshly if he makes a mistake or fails. When a group experiences some mishap, invariably they'll look to the tall one to take charge and get them out of it. Tall people are not allowed to be vulnerable, yet when forced to assert themselves, they're likely to come across as bullies. Short people, conversely, have the comfort of images such as David slaying Goliath, or Jack besting the giant.

And where exactly did this notion of tall people being natural leaders come from in the first place? Certainly not nature, or the giraffe would be the king of the jungle.

Humans, of course, are getting bigger anyway, owing to improved living conditions and better diet. Living spaces, on the other hand, because of increased population and rising construction costs, keep getting smaller (we have an entire generation now that's never heard of dining rooms), the only compensation to a tall person being that reconverted lofts usually have high ceilings.

Okay. Since you're dying to know, I'll tell you. I'm 5'14".