Taming the Monster Inside My Three-Year-Old

There is a monster living in my house. It took up residence inside my three year old daughter just before her third birthday. Other parents had warned me that the "terrible twos" were easy to cope with compared to the behavior issues that would emerge when my child turned three. I nodded politely and reassured myself that my child would not fall victim to that stereotype. After riding out the storm of tantrums that the terrible twos brought on, I was optimistic that she would mature into a sweet and compliant three year old. As it turns out, I should have believed my peers and asked for their guidance through the "turbulent threes".

Emma's third birthday coincided with the birth of a new baby brother named Colin. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the first month of having a newborn in the house was easy. Emma was eager to interact with Colin, and she seemed happy to have her mommy back to normal after a long and difficult pregnancy. That was the honeymoon period, and it abruptly ended after a month. Colin started staying awake more often and demanded more of my attention, and Emma reacted to this by acting out in an effort to return the spotlight to its rightful place on her. Despite my efforts to plan one on one interaction with Emma, it was never enough to satisfy her need for constant attention.

Bedtime was especially difficult for Emma. Each night we would struggle to put her pajamas on as she tried to run away or kick us. She refused to brush her teeth by clenching her teeth tightly together. Getting her to stay in bed became so challenging that we resorted to placing the baby gate in the doorway to her room. We couldn't physically make her go to sleep, but we could at least keep her in her room.

Discipline was met with giggling and and sassy talk. Time outs became ineffective because she would either scream in the chair or simply refuse to sit altogether. My three year old would not listen to me and was increasingly defiant toward me and and my husband. Was this what everyone had warned me about? What had happened to my sweet little girl? It really did seem like there was a little monster inside her that was ready to rear its ugly head on a moments notice and make my life miserable.

The only way that I was going to survive having a three year old while retaining my sanity was to reclaim my authority. I scoured the Internet, books and magazines for tips on parenting a willful three year old, and I sought out advice from family and friends. Operation "Tame the Monster" started.

First, I set some goals for myself and for Emma. Identifying the behaviors that I wanted to change, I came up with a plan that involved communication, consequences and rewards. I would clearly let her know my expectations of her and what the consequences would be if she defied me. Choosing not to listen would result in losing privileges such as her favorite snack or television time. I also realized that I needed to praise her more often for her good behavior and reward it by reading an extra book, playing her favorite game, or taking a trip to the park.

My first challenge was to get her to cooperate with me at bedtime. Our nighttime routine was toxic; adrenaline that coursed through both of our bodies was not conducive to sleep or relaxation. I calmly told Emma that I would no longer struggle to put her pajamas on and brush her teeth each night. There would be consequences for bad behavior and rewards for cooperation. If she started to get out of control, she would have to go directly to bed without a bedtime story or cuddle time with mommy. As I expected, she tested me and I sent a very angry girl directly to bed and closed the door. She cried and screamed, but I did not go back to her room. The very next night, she put on her pajamas and brushed her teeth without incident, and she was rewarded with a book and extra cuddles.

I used my action plan to improve her behavior in other situations including time-outs and chores. She still has the occasional meltdown, but I have seen drastic improvement in her behavior overall. As her mother, it is my job to set clear limits for her and stay consistent with my discipline. I also have to relax and realize that she will outgrow this stage. In the meantime, I'll continue to love her with all of my heart; monster and all.

Source: Personal experience