Tax Dollars Pay for "Tell Your Kids to Wait for Marriage to Have Sex" Ads?

I remember the ads that used to run to talk to my kids about drugs. Remember, the black man trying to talk the kid into taking drugs and when the kid keeps saying 'no' the man, his father, pats him on the back and says "That's exactly what you tell anyone who tries to get you to try drugs". Brought to you by the Department of Health. It said, talk to your kids about drugs, and then, tell them not to take them. Parternship for a Drug Free America. Kind of command and control, but taking those drugs is illegal, and it does pose a public health risk. It's a no brainer for parents, really, and it's an appropriate use of tax dollars to educate the public about a health risk, even if any real urban father raising a kid on the mean streets knows he needs a lot more than a pep talk to keep his kid off drugs.

I remember the ads that said talk to your kids about smoking. I think those may have been paid for out of tobacco settlement funds, but it doesn't mean they weren't government sponsored. It's more prudent to use settlement money rather than tax dollars if you have it available. Those ads said talk to your kids about smoking and tell them not to. Kids under 18 can't legally smoke anyway, and, again, it is a public health issue. Even for parents who are smokers it's sort of a no brainer. Smoking isn't healthy. It isn't legal for kids. Parternship for a Tobacco Free America.

Now I see the ad that says talk to your kids about sex. It's a good ad stylistically. The kids say talk to them, even if it seems like they aren't listening, they are. The ad doesn't say tell them to wait to have sex. It says 'tell them to wait UNTIL MARRIAGE'. Outside of Hollywood what parent, even all the hypocrites, doesn't start from that point? "Sex is a beautiful thing when shared between a husband and wife." My mother told me that and I told my kids that. Except, wait until marriage, hmm. Honestly, even as a very strict parent who lives according to a very strict moral code and certainly enforces it in the home - how is it the government's business when an adult first has sex and where a parent draws the line? What health crisis is associated with someone having sex before marriage that might not be more effectively averted by providing preventive information and leaving the decision to resort to doublespeak to individual parents? If everyone magically responds to this governmental/parental surrogate message unwanted pregnancy is avoided (not that they don't happen within marriages); sexually transmitted diseases are avoided (oops, what about extramarital - forgot to remind them wait UNTIL marriage, and then only with your spouse for the rest of your life). If you really want to be proactive to address public health issues surrounding sex, you have to talk about safety and prevention - that's the government's role. But we're kind of skittish about that. And some parents say they don't want their kids to know about that and it's their choice whether or not they tell their kids about contraception, etc. I'm down with that. It's a free country, and that is a parent's choice. Some could argue the government has a little more responsibility due to public health concerns, but, whatever.

I keep running those commercials around in my head. If I'm not responsible enough as a parent to tell my kids not to take drugs and they start taking drugs, I may be contributing to a public health crisis. So, I'm not concerned that maybe the government over reaches a little there by telling me specifically to tell my kids not to take drugs. Ditto with the smoking. It's not as black and white with the sex until marriage ad. People have been teaching abstinence from time immemorial. It is a moral precept, not a public health concern - although there are related public health concerns. And, I pity the child of mine who engages in sexual activity before the age of 18, because up to that point, the law recognizes my parental prerogative to tell them they have to say no. My house. My rules.

Why did the commercial have to say 'until marriage'? How realistic is that, really? Doesn't the government realize how hard we are all fighting to keep them chaste until they at least have reached the age of majority? When I was growing up there was no commercial telling my parents to tell me to wait until marriage. My tax dollars weren't paying for parents to impose moral choices upon children. Because, the truth is, if two adults have a monogamous sexual relationship, it is their business. It is their moral choice to make - not mine. Even as the parent. And it's certainly not my business as the government.

Why is this so under my skin? Well, for one I have a 17 year old daughter. I have been telling her since she was a little girl that marriage is the place for sex. Last night she asked me, 'honestly mom, how old were you when, you know.?" She's not 10 or 12. I've been telling her since we had the first sex talk that I wouldn't risk sex in high school and no one is ready for sex at that age, and I expect her to wait until she's a grown up to even think about having sex. I've taught her all about love, marriage, what it really means, how important and truly sacred it is. But, she's 17 now. It wouldn't matter if I did wait until I was married to have sex. That would be my life, my choice. I have to start treating her like the adult she will very soon be. So, I told her the truth. I was 20. I also told her she's not emotionally ready for sex yet, and it is against the law as she is under 18. I told her we should talk if she was feeling pressured, or if she was just considering it. She was feeling a little pressured, but she wasn't really considering it. She wanted a little validation from someone who knew, who'd been there, that it was okay to wait. She said she just couldn't really talk about those things with her friends.

As a parent I have an obligation to provide my children with all the information they need with regard to public health issues. I think of that not just as a parental and personal obligationl, but as on obligation to the public at large. For example, when I realized some of my children's friends were engaging in oral sex in high school, I let my oldest daughter know that oral sex is still sex. You can still get diseases that will be with you for the rest of your life. And, if you're not ready for intercourse, you're not ready for oral sex. I don't care what anyone tells you about it not being real sex. It's a way for one person to give another person graitification, period. And call me a feminist, but if a woman isn't ready to trust a man enough to have actual intercourse with him - she is not ready for intimacy. And visa versa. My daughter squirmed and wanted to leave the room, but she understood. Some of her friends were telling her it wasn't sex. I have to tell her the truth, for her safety. I guess none of us want public announcements about oral sex. You don't talk about it in polite society. But it goes on every day, even among people who will later claim they saved themselves for marriage, and who will believe that they did.

What does it tell young people, people my daughter's age, or a little younger, or a little older, when they see those ads? The government is telling me I have to wait until I get married to have sex. The government is just as unrealistic as my crazy parents. Right, given all the sex scandals these kids hear about every day involving members of the government, the government still tells parents to tell kids to do as they say, not as they do. Yeah, that's going to keep people chaste until marriage. And, it isn't the government's role. Tell your kids not to take drugs. Not to break into cars. Not to smoke - but leave morality to the individual home. Parents have a right to set and maintain the standards. The government, the Department of Health and Human Services, knows the data. They know that a high percentage of those parents they are advising to tell their kids to wait until marriage to have sex, didn't wait themselves. They are also more or less asking the parents to acknowledge their own choice as a mistake, something bad. That's not the government's role either. And that's putting aside, of course, how totally ineffective it is. An ad that says "Tell your Kids to Wait to Have Sex" might be part of an effective camapaign to get kids to wait, at least until after high school. You never know. But when you say 'wait until you're married' - the ears are closed.

And - let's not forget the hidden subtext. What about the kids who can never marry? What about the gay kids? I didn't miss that and my children didn't miss that. The government, with our tax dollars, is sending only a slightly subliminal message "tell your gay kids they can never have sex." And that's not the government's role either.

So, flashback to when my parents were kids. My mom, her strict Sicilian family. You bet my noni and nona told her no sex until marriage and they didn't much care what the government had to say about the matter. My dad was raised largely by a single mother, until she married his step father. She told him to be happy, find love, have a family. My parents were both 26 when they married and they were both virgins. Mom shouted this from the hills, dad blushed the one time she brought it up to the assembled children. "See," my mother said to all of her daughters - "I'm not a hypocrite! I waited. You can too." My parents lived exemplary lives. But, their children made their own choices as adults. We knew about sex. We knew about birth control. We had the health lectures in school. Some of us made really good choices almost all of the time. Some of us made a few bad choices. But, growing up we didn't look to the Department of Health and Human Services for our moral direction. We looked to our parents. And they didn't need the government to tell them when we should have sex. Fromt he government they needed information that hasn't been around since time immemorial.

I am troubled by the use of my tax dollars for commercials that say tell your children to wait until they're married to have sex. I wouldn't mind if those ads were brought to me by the Catholic Church. It's been telling me that my whole life. That's my Church's job. And the real sticking point is, the government is doing the public, the taxpayer a huge disservice with the commercials because it may be my right to determine my family's moral tone - but with all the statistics it has, the government has an obligation to provide meaningful, effective information to prevent or minimize health crises.

Those commercials get the government off the hook. "Okay, you don't want condoms in schools, don't want information about safer sex getting to your kids - well we've got teen pregnancies to deal with and the highest STD rate in history right now. So, fiddle dee dee - just tell your kids to wait until marriage and 'poof' we've done our part." Even the slanted statistics recently compiled to pander to the Religous Right demonstrate that abstinence education isn't effective at fighting the rise of STDs. So why are my tax dollars being spent on a program that has proven to be ineffective? Thanks, Department of Health and Human Services, but I can put blinders on and totally ineffectively deal with a health crisis without spending a dime ofthe government's money, so stop spending mine on more of the same. And, please, don't pretend to be any kind of a moral authority.